My insecurities could eat me alive...(Very long)

[T0ne D0wn]

There is really no point to this post, but to express my feelings. Also, this post might give the wrong impressions; I still had plenty of good moments and joyous times during my childhood. Yet, it amazes me how insecure I was. Here is my story;

Let’s go back to when I was in 8th grade, I was so embarrassed that my 17 year old sister was picking me up from basketball practice. At the time she had slight acne but was still very pretty compared to your average girl. Unfortunately, I thought differently at the time. When she came into the gym where I was practicing, I basically rudely told her to leave and wait in the car. Later she came home, and was crying. She did not understand why I was so embarrassed to be associated with her in public. I could not give her a good answer at the time. This is just one of many examples in which I acted in a similar manner. I now am trying to look deeper into this issue and figure out why I was so insecure through out my life.

I think a lot of my insecurity comes from being bullied half my life. There was basically one kid in my class, who was able to control the class and get away with years and years of emotional and physical torment. He was a great fighter but not the biggest kid by any means and basically no one dared to challenge his authority. He was very materialistic, and would make fun of kids who would not wear name brand clothing. It is amazing he was able to take such control of such a large class. I felt trapped and embarrassed through out my early years in school, I was too scared to speak up and tell any adults.

I went to a catholic school since 2nd grade. Like most catholic schools we wore uniforms. Every month we would have at least one free dress day. After wearing the same pair of jeans once, I would not be able to wear them twice. If I violated this rule, I would get made fun of so I often would wear my uniform on free dress days. Since I was on the skinny side, I was constantly teased. I could always take his crap when it was just him, but I hated being publicly embarrassed.

I would come home, and brain storm something interesting to say to him the next day, so I would be able to escape any rude comments that he might have in store. I can’t count the number of times, that he grabbed my neck or chocked me, although it was temporary and never that serious it still left me to be really afraid of coming to school. Every day he was absent I felt like it was the best day ever! I do not want to bore you with other things, that the “class punk” did or said to other people, but the bottom line is he was your stereotypical bully, who hurt a lot of people. I became obsessed with caring what other people thought about me.

Shockingly, as time went on I became close friends with this bully. More like his “fake” friend but I did not get picked on (as much). Luckily I came from a moderately wealthy family, and could afford some of the nicer clothes. I was able to make friends with him by making fun of the less fortunate in my class. As you would expect, nothing good came from hanging out with the class bully. In the end his impact left me with a ridiculous ego, a huge attitude problem and bad social skills.

I eventually changed elementary schools since my attitude got me in trouble with some of my teachers. At my new elementary school, it was a clean start but I was afraid since I did not know anybody. I did not want to say the wrong thing. I just did not want anyone to dislike me or give them a reason to make fun of me. I felt like everyone was judging me for the longest time in my life, which is obviously not the case. I still remained very quiet. Even through out my high school career, I remained shy. Some of my elementary friends became some of my best friends in high school. My attitude and snobbish behavior throughout my early years in high school is sill embarrassing for me to think about. In high school my quest to be popular and accepted with the “cool kids” failed. I did not want to sit at the “Loser” table. The fact that I considered some kids losers without even talking with them still pains me to this day.

Recently, I got decent at poker, and pulled in about 80k this year. I am still in college, and was thinking about splurging. I looked at a $7,000 rolex, and was very close to purchasing it. I told my close friends, and they basically thought I was crazy. After giving it more thought, I want to buy this watch for the wrong reasons. Not saying people who buy nice watches are insecure, but my reasons for buying a nice watch certainly are. I already got a $340 watch that works fine and is “balla” enough. Sometimes I feel like I need a reality check.

I was reading this here recently, which inspired me to make this post. It just made me brainstorm, hundreds of examples from my past that prove how insecure I was. I realize that I still am insecure to this very day but at least I recognize the problem and am working on fixing it. Anyways, hopefully this was somewhat interesting to read.

[Brian]

Also, pics of sister.

[john voight]

[ QUOTE ]
Anyways, hopefully this was somewhat interesting to read.

[/ QUOTE ] Blink.

Pretty standard stuff for kids.
I mean even in college I am scared of hot girls.

Getting a balla watch is kind of stupid IMO. Maybe you should save up for a down payment on a house?

IDK what else to say besides; that is pretty cool how one bully could control your whole school.

[JDalla]

don't get the watch; your own conclusions are correct.

[daveymck]

What are you doing to work on the insecurity issues?

I am in my 30's now but suffered at school which still has an impact on me to this day confidence wise particulary when in large groups of new people or starting a new job (which as a contractor I do often).

I have done presentation courses and other such stuff really to no good effect, but just through work etc have had to a point get on with it.

[4drugmoney]

You sound like a sissy bitch, man up.

Just kidding, good read. On a positive note from what I've heard from my younger cousins and the media, they are pretty strict on bullying now

[amplify]

OOT != your blog

[bisonbison]

No watch.

If you really care about the sister thing, say this: "You know, I've kind of taken you for granted, and I want you to know I'm really glad you're in my life."

[censored] bullies. School before college can be a good experience or it can be an endless labyrinth of suck with no rewards and constant trauma.

['Chair]

[captZEEbo]

you have to get over it and stop dwelling in the past and what were the old problems. Live in the present and make the most out of situations where you deal with girls. Getting a balla watch is the dumbest thing you can do imo.