Emotional Affairs

[Exsubmariner]

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I don't know exsubmariner. I've know a lot of different guys and if you ask me they seem to be very much in control of their lives and their emotions.

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Well, katy, most men eventually do figure it out. It could be a function of the people I work with in my particular field. I have found that by and large, highly competent technically minded (scientific and mathematically gifted people) are those who have relatively low emotional and social intelligence. I can't speak beyond my own experience and most of my conclusions are drawn from my own anecdotal experience.

It was only recently that I have developed the vocabulary sufficient to discuss these kinds of things. That is probably a function of the focus of my education not involving social relationships. Pushing my bounds out into the business side of the house has enlightened me in some suprising and unexpected ways. Here's to pushing one's bounds.

[bogey1]

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I don't know exsubmariner. I've know a lot of different guys and if you ask me they seem to be very much in control of their lives and their emotions.

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Control of my actions is very different from control of my emotions. In fact, I'm not sure anyone can really control their emotions. We say "control your anger" or some such, but what we really mean is don't act on it.

I have lots of emotions that flow through me from time to time that I wish didn't. Longings, depressions, angers, that I can't control. Sometimes I feel guilty about some of them, but then I realize it's out of my control.They come and go, sometimes on trigger points, sometimes randomly.

What I can control is how I act on them (or, usually, don't act on them). Many people who know me think I'm cold and detached. It's really quite the opposite. I churn heavily internally and learned to be very tightly controlled in my behaviors as a counter.

Not that I'm evil inside or anything [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img], but when I see someone flip out over something I have a certain empathy along with my disgust that they let their self control go.

[Dominic]

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Yeah, that's weird. Sometimes I hear stuff like this and wonder if we're just yearning to go back to some sort of Islamic-type fundamentalism and fear of our sexuality or something. The idea that we are so completely out of control of ourselves seems more absurd than honest.

But at least it makes thinking easier. Which I suppose is really the whole point.

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It's all about emotional intelligence. Women are more emotionally intelligent than men. Many women use this superior emotional intelligence to exercise a degree of control over men. Men, being the emotional retards we are, get caught in this stupid trap again and again. Men who get divorced once will most likely get divorced again.

It's an old formula, desire-approval-act-guilt-regret-need for approval or absolution, etc., etc..

People get caught in this trap like little organ grinder monkeys. Pull the string and watch the symbols bang.

Most men are completely out of control emotionally when it comes to their relationships with women, and they don't even realize it.

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I don't agree with your hypothesis, Sub.

[Exsubmariner]

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I don't agree with your hypothesis, Sub.


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Well, that's OK, Dom. Different people have different paradigms. Everyone has different gifts and challenges. What is challenging for some is easy for others.

I would probably enjoy reading your hypothesis, if you care to share it.

[BPA234]

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Do you guys think people can actually have an emotional affair? I was listening to a local radio station today and they were talking about this guy who wrote in and said his wife had confessed to an emotional affair with a colleague and he didn't know what to think about it. He wasn't even sure he was that upset about it.

I don't get the term. I've had crushes on guys before but I certainly wouldn't call it an emotional affair. I've had friendships with guys who I confided in but hell I wouldn't call that an emotional affair either. And why would the wife confess such a dumb thing anyway?!


And while we're at it, which of these actions would make you more upset,

- your significant other goes out for a private lunch with the same guy (girl) from work every week, or
- your significant other talks on the internet with some strange guy (or girl)?


Would either of these things bother you? Are we not allowed to form friendships and bonds with people of the opposite sex once we're in a relationship?

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From what I have read, an emotional affair is cheating without the sex. The emotional affair isn't just casual flirting or harmless friendship, it's everything you're supposed to have with your SO. But, do not.

I find the whole concept an annoying cliche. "He/she understands me and we have such deep and meaningful conversations...I think we're soul mates...bla bla bla."

I also think that the people having emotional affairs are disingenuous hypocrites. They're like all those evangelical Christian girls taking vows of abstinence who then, when polled, are statistically having higher rates of oral and anal sex than their peers.

Further, from my own perspective, I work in a small office with two women. One, who is fifteen years my senior, I like a lot and one is my age and I can't stand her. Although I have to confess that, physically, I would like to have sex with each of them, in neither case would I enter into any kind of emotional affair, because that would be extremely unfair to my current girlfriend.

[Fishwhenican]

Have none of you ever seen "When Harry met Sally"?

All of the rules for this are in that movie.

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Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

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Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

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Yes, I know it's Hollywood and all of that but I think there really is some merit in this.

Would I be upset if my wife had a male friend that she was terribly close to and shared her time and secrets with ie, an emotional affair? Hell Ya I would, unless he was gay and that wouldn't count because then it's just like her being close to another girl which is OK because this is what girlfriends are for.

[katyseagull]

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Harry: "... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it?"

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Well hell yeah there's something missing from the relationship! Of course there is. It's naive to think we would all be satisfied by one other individual. It is not possible I tell you! People need to have a variety of friends and aquaintances throughout life. It's not an affair though. It's a FRIENDSHIP.

[Dominic]

don't know if you ever saw this, Katy:

Dr Dom - why men and women can't be friends

Granted, I was being over-the-top to make a point, but a lot of it still valid!

[Orlando Salazar]

First things first. I want to have an emotional trist with you and your pretty toes Katy [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] I mean it in the most polite way possible. I think I'm in love!

I'm not a supporter of marriage. I think if you have to sign a contract to be committed to a relationship and its offspring, you are aren't worth the paper the contract is written on. It also goes against human nature/evoloution.

But, if you do make a commitment like this, there isn't a b&w answer. Lets say one person in a relationship decides to invest shared money in a stock without telling the other. Now the couple is exposed to financial investment risk. Is that fair? Maybe, but it depends on the size of the investment relative to the couple's net worth.

Basically, if a high school girl emotionally cheats on her BF of 1 month, that's far different than a 40 year woman with children having an emotional affair with a coworker. The risk to the current relationship and the spouse's ability to make new relationships are way different due to age and invesment (children, home, family, friends).

[katyseagull]

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First things first. I want to have an emotional trist with you and your pretty toes Katy [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] I mean it in the most polite way possible. I think I'm in love!


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Orlando you big tease. I don't know if i'd know how to have an emotional trist. What would that entail on my part? Would I have to do much work?




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But, if you do make a commitment like this, there isn't a b&w answer. Lets say one person in a relationship decides to invest shared money in a stock without telling the other. Now the couple is exposed to financial investment risk. Is that fair? Maybe, but it depends on the size of the investment relative to the couple's net worth.

Basically, if a high school girl emotionally cheats on her BF of 1 month, that's far different than a 40 year woman with children having an emotional affair with a coworker. The risk to the current relationship and the spouse's ability to make new relationships are way different due to age and invesment (children, home, family, friends).

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Good description. I sort of agree with this. It comes down to respect and not botching something great you have going only because you are bored and lonely for a little excitement in your life.

Btw, I just found out last night that some friends of mine are having marital problems because the wife has become entangled with a dude at work. I was floored because she doesn't seem the type. My first thoughts were exactly what you alluded to. That is, how's her spouse going to make new relationships now that he is so invested in her and their kids and god doesn't this just suck for him? It's so unfair. I gotta say it's freaking me out. This is the couple I always thought would stay together for the rest of their lives. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]