Emotional Affairs

[katyseagull]

Do you guys think people can actually have an emotional affair? I was listening to a local radio station today and they were talking about this guy who wrote in and said his wife had confessed to an emotional affair with a colleague and he didn't know what to think about it. He wasn't even sure he was that upset about it.

I don't get the term. I've had crushes on guys before but I certainly wouldn't call it an emotional affair. I've had friendships with guys who I confided in but hell I wouldn't call that an emotional affair either. And why would the wife confess such a dumb thing anyway?!


And while we're at it, which of these actions would make you more upset,

- your significant other goes out for a private lunch with the same guy (girl) from work every week, or
- your significant other talks on the internet with some strange guy (or girl)?


Would either of these things bother you? Are we not allowed to form friendships and bonds with people of the opposite sex once we're in a relationship?

[RoundGuy]

Most sober, attached females (or males, for that matter) aren't going to go to Barnes and Noble and bang the first guy they strike up a conversation with. There has to be an emotional attachment first.

Emotional attachments (affairs) aren't harmful in and of themselves. It's the fact that they open the door for a physical affair later. The relationship simply progresses over time.

Without an emotional affair, the physical affair rarely happens.

Can you have an emotional attachment to someone other than your mate? Sure. Do you have to be on guard and careful where it could lead? Absolutely.

Yes, my wife having an emotional attachment to another man would bother me greatly. Only because she may get caught in a vulnerable moment.

[Blarg]

I don't mind a girlfriend/wife having great friends of the opposite sex, as long as she keeps it in check. Lunch every day with a guy sounds a bit much, but if every other possibility, every day, really sucked, I dunno. I suppose I wouldn't care if she did that with a ladyfriend, so it would be on the lame side not to trust her to be an adult just because she has a friend who is a guy. That wouldn't really be trusting her as an adult at all. And if I don't feel like I can trust someone, I don't like to prolong the relationship anyway and should be looking for a way to get out, not keep the unhappiness going.

Frankly, I suspect there's something a little wrong with a person who can't relate to or befriend anyone of the opposite sex outside family and GF/BF or hubby/wifey type things, and there's something a little wrong about feeling like you have to check up on them about it. If you do, there's something else deeper going wrong with the relationship that has nothing to do with the friend, and you should probably address that first.

Now if she were taking time away from me to do it, or doing it after work, I'd feel bad or suspicious and neglected. That's one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about the internet affair possibility. It's one thing if you have a lot of internet "friends," but your real life comes first, and zeroing in on one person on the net, especially when you have one with you right there at home, seems to me unbalanced. Amusements are fine, but if you "need" to talk to someone and gain emotional sustenance from them, you should work on your primary relationship(s), not try to have your cake(your big fat cake of disappointment, that is!) and eat it too. Or you should decide it's past working on, break up, and move on with your life. Maybe even ask yourself what's wrong with you and work on that.

Sharing emotional stuff on the net is pretty easy, and a great way to iron out your feelings and express yourself, and explore how you think, on a lot of things. But it's a pretty miserable substitute for a real relationship, no matter how fantastic the people you "meet" on the net. It needs to be kept in perspective. If you're going to have a double life, it should at least be two real ones. Or, said another way, since I'm enjoying thinking up really dopey metaphors, some other guy on the internet can be your footstool, but you should be sitting on your husband. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
Lunch every day with a guy sounds a bit much, but if every other possibility, every day, really sucked, I dunno. I suppose I wouldn't care if she did that with a ladyfriend, so it would be on the lame side not to trust her to be an adult just because she has a friend who is a guy.


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I admit I would have a problem with my guy doing the lunch thing with a female friend and therefore I wouldn't do it with a male friend. Also, I think it would raise eyebrows at my office.

Now that I've been giving this some thought, I guess I can see what people are talking about. An emotional "affair" is the beginning stage of a real affair. It's going on secret dates and sharing intimacies and stuff. But I think there's another category of attachments. You can have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex and still draw boundaries. Like not go out on lunch dates or give each other backrubs [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]... maybe just share intellectual conversations and tell each other funny stories.




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It's one thing if you have a lot of internet "friends," but your real life comes first, and zeroing in on one person on the net, especially when you have one with you right there at home, seems to me unbalanced. Amusements are fine, but if you "need" to talk to someone and gain emotional sustenance from them, you should work on your primary relationship(s), not try to have your cake(your big fat cake of disappointment, that is!) and eat it too.

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[img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img] But you internet guys are so amusing.

[jzpiano]

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You can have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex and still draw boundaries. Like not go out on lunch dates or give each other backrubs [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]... maybe just share intellectual conversations and tell each other funny stories.


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This one I'm not so sure I agree with you on. My fiance, soon to be wife in 4 days, doesn't like the fact that I do meet people for lunch of the opposite sex. But for me I view lunches and dinners out as a good chance to talk with people. I do that with any friend, shouldn't matter if they are female or male. Where else should I talk to my female friends? Should we go out for drinks to talk, probably not. Should we go back and get lunch at the house? Again probably not, so for now, for me at least, going out to eat is a good in between.

Edit: I should note that this is provided everybody is paying for themselves and I do let her know every time I'm out so I don't hide anything and it gets perceived the wrong way.

[katyseagull]

Sorry for leaving my own thread! Had to watch Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor. Priorities [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]


Roundguy,

This is what I was wondering about,

[ QUOTE ]


Emotional attachments (affairs) aren't harmful in and of themselves. It's the fact that they open the door for a physical affair later. The relationship simply progresses over time.

Without an emotional affair, the physical affair rarely happens.

Can you have an emotional attachment to someone other than your mate? Sure. Do you have to be on guard and careful where it could lead? Absolutely.



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I wasn't clear on what exactly an emotional affair was. So you're defining it as an emotional attachment between both parties? To me, an affair is a physical affair. Anything else is great friendship, flirting or longing, but not an affair.

I think you can have attachments and great friendships without it going to the next level.

I read something awhile back that said having an emotional affair is just another kind of adultery. I was like come on, you gotta be kidding. Seems sort of ridiculous. Adultery is the physical act.

[RoundGuy]

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Adultery is the physical act.

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Agreed. But don't you see how an emotional attachment can easily lead to that?

[daveT]

I don't understand the whole emotional affair thing. It seems like an office politic thing to me. It complicates work, complicates relationships, and makes entering a relationship far more daunting.

Katy, I sort of remember a thread about this earlier, and I think it was yours. Do these problems inhibit your own relationship or desire to find a boyfriend?

I have known some girls who I wouldn't want to have sex with. I know one right now who would be ranked a "9," but I would not want to enter any kind of relationship with her. It is not because I value our friendship, but because she has many unattractive qualities that I don't want around me 24/7.

Theoretically, there should be a one and only, and that ought to be your center of happiness. I would think that losing that person would be ample reason to behave. If you are really worried about who your life partners friends are, then there are some problems in your own relationship, but I guess those insecurities come with it.

I had a conversation with one of my exes about this. We both agreed that different people are going to have different relationships to each other. I can joke and have fun with certain people, and other's I cannot joke in these ways, but they are my friends. In my g.f., I see several qualities that I love and adore, but perhaps with her, there are things that I cannot say. Although I can reasonably expect her to have "all of me," I realistically cannot. Humans need to have various outlets. I could joke with one girl I know about being a [censored], but the other one would be deeply offended.

Each one knows the sensitive/ dirty half exists, but I don't think they want to witness both sides constantly. I know that who ever I choose to date is because she shows me the face I want to see the most. I can't see why her talking to other guys should offend me, because I know that there are things that she wants to see, but not from me. While hearing a guy talk immature and dirty may be funny to one girl, hearing it from her perfect mate isn't so appealing.

btw, I am single and never entered a serious relationship, perhaps my opinions would change at that point.

[katyseagull]

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Katy, I sort of remember a thread about this earlier, and I think it was yours. Do these problems inhibit your own relationship or desire to find a boyfriend?


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lol [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] Are you suggesting that I'm always thinking about affairs? How dare you!
I should have run this thread topic by Mrs. Utah first. I usually do the old "Hey, I've got this idea for a thread. Have I posted this topic already?" and then she says "uh duh, like just last week spacehead", and I proceed to work on a different idea.


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Theoretically, there should be a one and only, and that ought to be your center of happiness. I would think that losing that person would be ample reason to behave.


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Given my personality type, i feel i'm behaving remarkably well mister! All kidding aside, I think some of us just really like to get to know a number of different people. We need it. And I agree with your comment that humans need to have various outlets.



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While hearing a guy talk immature and dirty may be funny to one girl, hearing it from her perfect mate isn't so appealing.



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[img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[Blarg]

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I know that who ever I choose to date is because she shows me the face I want to see the most. I can't see why her talking to other guys should offend me, because I know that there are things that she wants to see, but not from me. While hearing a guy talk immature and dirty may be funny to one girl, hearing it from her perfect mate isn't so appealing.

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Wow, your post was so interesting, especially the first line quoted, which is a kind of explosion of honesty. There's a lot about it that could be utterly damning, but there is interwoven a mature acknowledgment of one's own limitations and the compromises others, even perhaps those no more balanced or mature whatsoever, must make to accommodate it that is kind of breathtaking. I think there could easily be a fantastic thread on this idea itself, if people were honest and forthcoming. Which, on the other hand, it's highly unlikely anyone would be. I've tried to ask people for penetrating honesty in threads before, and those threads tend to be quickly buried and none too soon.

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I had a conversation with one of my exes about this. We both agreed that different people are going to have different relationships to each other. I can joke and have fun with certain people, and other's I cannot joke in these ways, but they are my friends. In my g.f., I see several qualities that I love and adore, but perhaps with her, there are things that I cannot say. Although I can reasonably expect her to have "all of me," I realistically cannot. Humans need to have various outlets. I could joke with one girl I know about being a [censored], but the other one would be deeply offended.


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Do you feel at all bad or threatened that some people can give her what you cannot, or will not? Have you ever felt in any way resentful that there are things others can provide her that you cannot?

I got a grin out of your saying what is reasonable is not necessarily realistic. True enough. We often have to deal with less than that.