Non-cliched, funny B&M lines you've heard

[MrBrightside]

Inspired by the B&M cliches thread, here's the place for the GOOD lines you've heard. Everyone else chime in with your funniest lines you've heard.

My favorite one was just the other nite. You had to see the guy's delivery, but it was priceless.

Setting: 1/2NL.
Actors: Oldrer, solid guy with a baseball cap (OSGWBC). Pretty good player, but also talks a good game and has already made me chuckle once. Young Cocky Nerdy Kid with Geeky Glasses (YCNKWGG)
Action: OSBWBC raises to $12 up front, call, call, all in for $80 from YCNKWGG. OSBWBC thinks for a long while. YCNKWGG stares him down, finally OSBWBC folds but says "I might have you beat, but I'm not so sure what everyone else is doing here (pointing at other two guys). The other two guys fold.

Then YCNKWGG says "what did you have, Kings?" OSBWBC looks on in what appears to genuinely dumbfounded silence for a moment, takes off his ballcap, looks at the front and says, in a perfect deadpan/questioning LOUD voice "DOES THIS HAT SAY 'DUMB@SS' ON IT?"

Maybe you had to be there, but it was priceless.

[KurtSF]

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe you had to be there,

[/ QUOTE ]

Don't think so. That's hilarious.

[PBJaxx]

That is really funny! I am giggling like an idiot at work. I love it when people (online or live) say they "put a player on a hand," and then refer to exactly the one hand they wish they had. LOL @ folding KK preflop for 34BB into a 58BB pot.

[BadBeatLouie]

Setting: a few years back in an underground Dallas room - game is 4-8 holdem - while rising from the table after getting broke, thin, middle-aged mechanic type guy remarks: "I just stopped in to win some gas money, now I'm going home down a car payment" - cracked me up at the time

[Frond]

Both good ones. First one was pretty funny.

[Bicycles_Biatch]

Does your wife REALLY let you have access to the ATM card???

[Bicycles_Biatch]

setting... 5-10 NL at the Wynn...

Average stack $2,500.00

Some poor dude (quiet middle aged Indian guy) has been getting KILLED by this smart ass kid at the table. The smart ass kid is up about $2K and is just being a DIKC. Meanwhile, Indian dude is just sitting there being quiet. After about 2 hours the Indian man CRUSHES the kid and takes all his chips but 20 reds ($100) in one pot.

Kid obviously has no more cash to buy-in.

Indian guy calls the floorman and tells the kids to cash in his $100 for a rack of $1 chips so he can feel like he's back to even.

[DrewOnTilt]

Yet another Old Man line.

Pink Chip game at the Trop in AC about 2 years ago. Some moron smartmouthed kid is talking trash, being rude, etc. - you know the type.

Trash talking kid gets involved in a hand with an old man who had been relatively quiet for the few hours that he had been at the table.

The old man wins, kid starts talking smack, and other players start to tell the kid to shut his trap and not speak disrespectfully to a seemingly nice, quiet guy who is well into his 80s. The old man finally speaks up, and in the same perfect deadpan LOUD voice as the old man described by Mr. Brightside, says:

"No, it's okay. He and I should be on a first name basis. Hello A$$hole!"

[GoAheadRiverMe]

Guy bangs the table very hard everytime he checks. Dealer says "easy now, people are trying to sleep down there".

[ICallHimGamblor]

Hope this isn't a 'had to be there' one...

Two old men at the other side of the table were jawing at each other. Really loud, but good-natured. Everyone was having a good time. At one point, their poking fun at each other got really silly and honestly stopped making any sense.

I broke in with "I don't get it... What's up with you guys? Do people still to drugs at your age?" The table laughed, and they both stopped at looked at me and one said, "Son, we do MORE." Everyone within three tables lost it. Good times.