Please respond: a short fiction piece

[SoloAJ]

Fellow Loungers, please help me with a short short fiction piece that I have written. Since I'm looking for actual input, criticism, and recommendations of all kinds, I am posting this in the Lounge.

(Is this my first time starting a thread in here? Without checking, it might be, and wow to that. You've all been lucky so far :-p)

Anyway, a local paper is running a 'contest' for short stories of less than 200 words following one of three prompts. The prompt for this story is "involving a fortune cookie." It is open to lots of revision and a tentative title.

Please respond candidly, truthfulness is welcome. Though I ask if you say something is particularly weak, you offer some insight as to why or a potential solution. No "it blows" please. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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Jackson's Fortune

Jackson’s teeth ripped through the plastic wrapper concealing the fortune cookie. He removed the hardened batter and cracked it open as he glanced across the room. His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate. Their baby daughter, Emily, was silently pushing a toy John Deere tractor back and forth on the carpet. Jackson crunched the first bite of his cookie and looked down at the fortune. “You will soon hear some pleasant news” said the (otherwise blank slip) (slip with a decorative outline of a fortune cookie background). He rolled his eyes and smirked to himself. As he did this, Emily suddenly garbled out “dada” loud enough for the entire room to hear.

Jackson, still smirking, looked up and saw that his wife was excited. Confused, his smirk dropped, eyebrows lowered, and his head tilted to the right. His wife quickly signed to him “She just said her first word! Dada!” Jackson’s eyebrows raised and his eyes got a soft glow in them. He shifted his gaze to Emily and his heart began to flutter. He glanced back at his wife and revealed to her the biggest grin she had seen on his face in seven months. He felt something in his hand and remembered the fortune. He looked down at it and then, smiling, silently nodded to himself.

[SoloAJ]

Please read the story before reading this post...

I wanted to add, but not in the OP. Because I want this to be something people consider after reading it. But I have been advised that the story might just be better off ending at the first paragraph. While this changes the story significantly, if the meaning behind the story is better if I cut it in half, so be it.

So please consider advice for both ways, full length and cut.

[John Feeney]

I think it loses a lot of substance if you end it after the first paragraph. That said, it could end somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph, maybe after "...heart began to flutter."

I prefer "otherwise blank slip" to the alternative.

This sentence...

"His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate."

...might be more effective if you make it something like...

"His wife was finishing her last mouthful of food at Chin Lo's, placing her napkin on the plate." i.e., personalizing it with a place name or something, I think, brings the reader in better than "Chinese food," you know?

Good luck.

[rothko]

a decent idea, but not very well-written, which shouldn't be so obvious in something this short.

basically, it all needs to be rewritten. here are a few pointers to start with:

the cookie isn't "concealed" by the wrapper

"hardened batter" is pointless substitution, technically inelegant variation

"Chinese food" is lame, use a specific dish

"toy John Deere tractor" awkward specificity, nix John Deere

change what the fortune says, unless his wife is a promiscuous girl

options in parentheses, neither

punctuation throughout

second paragraph is useless

[rothko]

[ QUOTE ]
I think it loses a lot of substance if you end it after the first paragraph. That said, it could end somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph, maybe after "...heart began to flutter."

I prefer "otherwise blank slip" to the alternative.

This sentence...

"His wife was taking her last mouthful of Chinese food and placing her napkin on the plate."

...might be more effective if you make it something like...

"His wife was finishing her last mouthful of food at Chin Lo's, placing her napkin on the plate." i.e., personalizing it with a place name or something, I think, brings the reader in better than "Chinese food," you know?

Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered.

john is correct that "Chinese food" sucks, but his suggestion is not good either.

[John Feeney]

"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

[rothko]

[ QUOTE ]
"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

[/ QUOTE ]

nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there. anyone who says that "the second paragraph is useless" is an obvious moron.

[John Feeney]

[ QUOTE ]
nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Heh, I can go along with that. [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[rothko]

[ QUOTE ]
Heh, I can go along with that. [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

you, sir, know what you're talking about.

[Sniper]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
"the story needs to end with a punch, not punch blah blah blah my heart fluttered."

Yeah, but I think the punch is in learning he's deaf.

[/ QUOTE ]

nobody cares about jackson. the story doesn't care and the reader doesn't care.

edit: on second thought, i'm gonna go with john on this one. disregard my previous comments on this point. in fact, i am insisting that you keep that angle in there. anyone who says that "the second paragraph is useless" is an obvious moron.

[/ QUOTE ]

You missed the punch on first read, didn't you rothko?... maybe it needs to be easier to catch...