Massive self destructive tendencies. Need advice

[Greeksquared]

Hopefully this will be a unique feel sorry for me story...

I suppose this will sound very awkward but I think I reached a point where I don't [censored] care and just want to see what everyone else has to say.

I think no one can rival my anger and rage at myself when I play poker. My rage has turned very severe the last couple months. Tonight it reached near epic proportions as I repeatedly beat my new laptop that I just got in the mail today at 10 in the morning into a corner of a wall for about ten good hits. The reason I got a new laptop was because exactly one week ago I obliterated my 6-month old machine with my bare fists and finished it off with a poker chip box holder right to the screen. Both laptops were bought for 1k. In the process of destroying my laptop last week I also destroyed my 1-month old 24 inch monitor accidentally as the poker chip box flew open and all the chips flew open and struck the bottom of the screen.

Also of late I have began to yell uncontrolably throughout my sessions. I now have to play with a pillow next to me to stuff in my mouth as to not get the cops called to my place as it probably sounds like I am getting stabbed repeatedly throughout the day.

In addition to this I have ripped numerous shirts in half, thrown a wine glass and a water bottle into a wall leaving holes that my friends get suspicious about. Last year I also broke 2 20" dells and another cheaper laptop.

I am seriously considering building some kind of enclosure around my laptop so that I cannot easily access the inside. I am also going to try to keep my old destroyed laptops close by so perhaps I can destroy them instead of the new one I am about to purchase right now.

What's weird is that I feel very good after I destroy something. I mean I felt phenomenal the second I destroyed my laptop after the ensuing -2500 dollar streak that happened in about 20 minutes at 2/4 and 3/6.

I actually had my best month ever last month and was having a very good day today until the last 100 hands.


Outside of anything competitive I am usually very easy going and don't get bothered by much. I give to charity more than most and do community service. I just have 0 control whenever I get bad beat or play bad.

Thoughts?