Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)

[poincaraux]

Hopey and samjjones-

We're terrified about the thought of a miscarriage when we try again. I think we'll tell some very close friends and family ASAP just in case we end up needing their support. Otherwise, we'll be waiting until we see a heartbeat on an ultrasound before telling anyone else. If we hadn't had a stillbirth, we'd probably wait until seeing that heartbeat before telling anyone at all. From what I recall, people estimate that ~1/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (many of these happen so early that people don't even know about them).

We've been terrified about this:

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They both told me that losing the baby was horrible enough, but having people (who hadn't heard about the miscarriage) constantly approaching them afterwards to ask about how the pregnancy was going was a needless bit of extra torture.

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But we, our friends and our family have done a good job of telling people before we have to.

Everything everybody said about this taking a long time is right. I keep thinking that we've gotten through things, but it turns out that it's still *really* hard.

[J_T_P]

I truely feel sorry for you and your family. Loosing a loved one is the worst experiece one can go though.

[groce]

My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family.

I don't think I've cried like that in a long, long time.

[Porcupine]

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This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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[Sarge85]

I was deeply moved by your post.

I'm a religous person and I throw my fists up and wonder how this can happen.

While I can't relate to your loss directly my wife and I went through feelings of anger, confusion, loss when we found out we wouldn't be able to become pregant by "the traditional" method.

I can only hope that time heals all wounds and that you and your wife will be able to move through this tragedy.

Sarge[img]/images/graemlins/diamond.gif[/img]

[rakemeplz]

Poin, I know this is insignificant but I sprained my ankle today and can't move around...reading your post has reminded me how insignificant this pain is.

Feeling for your loss and admiring your emotional resilience, honesty, and bravery.

[ghostface]

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There have been a handful of posts that have made me laugh, but none that have made me shed a tear. My deepest condolences.

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[rickr]

Poin,
Your beautiful tribute to your son shows just how strong of a person you must be. I’m a lurker for the most part here, but I just had to respond to your post. I really can’t even explain why. Part of me actually feels guilty because I was blessed with four boys. Someone posted in this thread that they had to throw up their hands and ask why. It makes me think of a commercial for a tv show (don’t know which one) where someone asks why we have death, and the person answers “to make life important”. Sounds simple enough at first, but with more thought, it’s a very strong statement.
You stated this is lasting longer than you thought it should. Let it. Digest every bit of it. If years from now you feel the need to cry, cry. Never feel like your through. As hard as it is, it can, and by reading your post, it will make you a better person. You will have just a little more joy looking into the eyes of your child, or children, than the rest of us. You will take joy in the simplest of things in your life, that many others will miss.
I don’t know if you are religious or not, but in a sense, by posting this, you have done a very good thing for your fellow man, and made your child, don’t know how to say it, Christ like. How can I explain? By reading of your loss, your pain, every one you touched went home, held their loved ones a little tighter, gave an extra goodnight kiss, and felt compassion for those they never thought they could. So through your sacrifice, we are made better. Thank you for baring the burden.
I can’t begin to imagine what you and your wife are going through. I have had losses in my life, and near losses that come close in feeling.
When my first was born, my wife and I were 17 years old. I was too stupid to even worry. We never even had any prenatal care. Ignorance is bliss. My second at 18, the same applied. Those were wonderful times, my head in the sand.
But, I was the one that answered the phone at the jobsite with notification that one of my brother in law’s that I worked with (and had been good friends with since early childhood) 2 month old daughter did not wake from her nap, so I had to tell him.
I got to go through the fear of my wife’s next pregnancy when we found out, like her sister, she too was having twins. The high risk pregnancy, the premature births, the months of baby monitors ringing in the night. Scary as hell. No more head in the sand.
I was there when we almost lost one of the twins to spinal meningitis at age 4. Scariest week of my life.
I was the one that had to make the decision on whether to pull the plug on my mom after she was robbed and beaten and left for dead. I will never forget the feeling when they told us the eeg showed minimal brain activity.
And just shy of 2 years ago I got to watch my father, who had gotten mad and refused to talk to me for over a year, was diagnosed and died of cancer, without a kind word to me or my family.

Why am I sharing this with you? Not to try and say my pain compares to what you are going through. Please don’t take it that way. It’s more to show that life has it’s ups and downs, but you can make it through. Through all that I still have my wife. 22 years now we have been together. What I’m trying to say is don’t try and be strong for her. Be strong for both. Don’t be afraid to cry with her. Open up with her, grieve with her, and stand together.
Your marriage will be tested in the months to come. Do not hide from your feelings, and don’t put on a strong face all the time for her sake.
I know this may not make a lot of sense. There just random thoughts not put in any decent order. I hope you can find some tidbit of wisdom in this that will help you, and above all else, please accept my sympathies to you and yours.

God Bless,
Rick

[poincaraux]

Rick-

Thanks for your post. We've had a good last few days, and one of the things that really helps is knowing that, in all sorts of ways, we're not alone. Also, we're starting to realize that, as much as we've lost, we can still have hope, and that there are still things to look forward to in the world.

On Wednesday, we found out that the parks department was going to put in a memorial for us later that day. My wife called me while I was in the middle of teaching. I found someone cover the rest of my teaching duties for the day while she rushed over to the park. She was there for ~30-40 minutes alone, and was starting to get really depressed. Out of nowhere, three high school students showed up (they were smokers walking around the local neighborhoods on their lunch break) and asked her if she was OK. She said no, and explained what was wrong. Turns out, one of their girlfriends had just had a full-term stillbirth, and one of their sisters had just had something similar. Those three were a surprisingly powerful, and completely unexpected, source of support. It's a bit of a long story, but in the end, they did a lot to convince her that, no matter what we think, there's still good in the world, just waiting to bubble up to the surface.

We used to dance a lot (mostly swing (lindy)), but haven't really danced at all for a few years. We thought it might be good for us to dance a little again, so we brought some music and small speakers with us on our walk today. We found a little pavilion tucked away in the corner of a park where we didn't think anyone could see us, took off our shoes, put on some music and started dancing. About halfway through one of the songs, some lady walked by and started cheering us on. She ended up parking herself in front of the pavilion and watching us for quite a while, and was really fun to dance for an audience. We actually had to stop her from going to get a bunch of friends to watch us, because we were a little embarrassed, but it was all very flattering. It was the first time we've honestly had fun in the last two months.

So, things aren't good yet, but there are some hopeful signs.

Thanks.

[tuq]

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We used to dance a lot (mostly swing (lindy)), but haven't really danced at all for a few years. We thought it might be good for us to dance a little again, so we brought some music and small speakers with us on our walk today. We found a little pavilion tucked away in the corner of a park where we didn't think anyone could see us, took off our shoes, put on some music and started dancing. About halfway through one of the songs, some lady walked by and started cheering us on. She ended up parking herself in front of the pavilion and watching us for quite a while, and was really fun to dance for an audience. We actually had to stop her from going to get a bunch of friends to watch us, because we were a little embarrassed, but it was all very flattering. It was the first time we've honestly had fun in the last two months.

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Ha, nice.

I got to your thread late, and thought that everything that needed to be said was said. It made me sadder than anything I'd ever come across, be it real life or online, and I bawled in a way that nobody except possibly my mother should know about. You have a way with words, you know. Now I see this thread has been periodically bumped and I thought I'd just toss in a post to wish you and the wife the very best going forward.

This isn't worth anything to you I'm sure, but a bunch of my friends had their first kid this year. Two of the couples had to do it via the needle, and one of those couples had FOUR previous failures. My point is, I'm sure you'll love your next child more as a result of the journey (I predict "her" and not "him" but we'll see) and will love her or him more than she or he could hope for. Best of Luck.