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Old 11-26-2007, 03:49 AM
phiphika1453 phiphika1453 is offline
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Default Critique My Personal Statement

It's a little tl;dr and boring, but I would appreciate any thoughts or inputs.



Unlike some, my interest in becoming a pharmacist was only ignited a little over a year ago. During my undergraduate studies I had devoted much of my extra time talking to and learning the profession of medical doctors. During this time I had the advantage of having many family members who were practicing physicians. Therefore, I was able to have very good insight into what the career of a medical doctor entailed. I spent many hours working in hospitals and shadowing any physician that would allow me. I was never more satisfied with the direction I thought I would be taking my life, but it was an unplanned event that would lead me to decide that being a physician was not what I was meant to do.

On June 8th 2005 my wife gave birth to our daughter, McKenzie. This was the unplanned event that would lead me away from pursuing a career in medical studies. In hindsight, I never realized the advantage I had in knowing so many physicians. All of the time I had spent talking with these people allowed me valuable knowledge of understanding the immense dedication and sacrifice a physician must endure to be a successful physician. Soon after the birth of my daughter, I realized that I was not willing to sacrifice the memories I would have of raising my family to pursue a career that required more time away from my family than with my family. It was then, knowing I would be able to dedicate myself to my family that I was completely at peace with my decision.

The following December I graduated from college. This was one of the first periods of my life that I was unsure of what career path I wanted to choose. I had considered many different paths; anything from research to nursing school. When considering these options I knew there was one thing I enjoyed during my time preparing to be a physician; that was human, more specifically patient, interaction. I was able to work in an emergency room for a short time, and it was there that interacting with people in a medical sense truly interested me. I had fun and felt rewarded at the same time.

So, knowing from my short work history and previous studies, I started looking for careers that would cater to what I enjoyed and what I would be best suited performing. This naturally led me to a Nissan dealership where I started selling cars. Kind of funny I know, but I had a newborn and my wife told me to start bringing home some money. So, like any man with sense, I started bringing home money; all the while still looking for a career that fit my interest.

After several months spending endless hours away from my family selling cars, I started to broaden my search for something that would let me start spending my time with them. It was then that I heard about a job at Cardinal Health. I researched the job and then decided it was better suited for me than my current situation. I am still currently working at Cardinal and very much enjoy my career, but the one thing I miss that engaged me during my undergraduate career was the patient interaction. It was this interaction that left me still looking for a career that could entertain my needs in time with my family and interacting with people that are actively seeking medical needs.

After talking to several friends from college, many who had already started pharmacy school, I started looking into what a career as a pharmacist might be like. I contacted a few friends of the family who were pharmacist and they graciously started explaining a few aspects of what a pharmacist might do in his daily career. Using my current job I was able to talk to several nuclear pharmacist and even spend time in a cross training program that Cardinal Health offers. Ever so slightly the thoughts of being a pharmacist grew into an actual interest of pursuing it as a career.

It is now that I am aggressively pursuing a career as a pharmacist. From the people I have talked to and the research I have done, I have decided that being a pharmacist will make me the happiest I can be in regards to my career and the time I will have with my family.
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:03 PM
Oski Oski is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

Phiphika:

It is very important that you get to why you want to be a pharmacist MUCH SOONER. You give a general intro about a life-changing event that steered you from medicine to pharmacy, but you take forever to get to the important part.

Try the following:

1. Explain why you want to be a pharmacist (your feelings, motives, how your abilities match the job, etc.);

2. Explain why you know this is the correct choice for you (you've talked to friends, had work experience, it better fits your life-style and personality, etc.);

3. Reinforce by giving personal information, work experience, etc., as "proof" of one and two. This is where you will talk about your prior goals, work, birth of daughter, and how being a pharmacist is a natural fit for you, etc.

I see that the information is already there. I would just work on the sequence. As it is, you risk having a lot of valuable information about yourself being skimmed over as the reader asks "well, what is it that made him choose to be a pharmacist?" Get the out of the way, and then reinforce your central point.
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:05 PM
Kimbell175113 Kimbell175113 is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

Quick nitty thing: the first sentence is not correct, ducy?

'Unlike some' applies to 'my interest' - the subject of the sentence and the thing closest to 'unlike some' - when you meant it to apply to you yourself. You can change it to

[ QUOTE ]
Unlike some, I became interested in pharmacy very recently.

[/ QUOTE ]

or whatever. This corrects the modifier stuff and takes away that nasty passive voice that Microsoft Word is always bugging you about.

Yeah, it's a little thing, but if a nit happens to read this, it'll affect his first impression of you.
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:18 PM
Oski Oski is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

A few points on the substance of your statement:

1. Drop the whole part about selling cars and what a "man with good sense" would do. The whole paragraph is jarring to the statement.

2. You do not explain what you will do for the profession; only what it will do for you. From what I read, I get the general impression that: 1) You wanted to be a doctor, but it would demand too much time; 2) However, you enjoy interaction with patients and helping them out; 3) Being a pharmacist is good for you because it accomodates your family needs. There is a big gap between 2) and 3). I would even consider 3) to be a collateral, incidental point, to (what is supposed to be) the main point.

Thus, you need to explain why you think you would be good at this, what your attributes are and what you can add to the profession, etc. Something along the lines of: "Jeez, from working in a hospital, etc., I really came to understand that human interaction is a vital part of the healing process. However, my impression of pharmacists is that they are cold and aloof towards their patients. I appreciate that part of that is due to the technical nature of the job, but I believe a little smile, or word of encouragement to the patient couldn't hurt when finish filling an order." Or some other bullsh!t,

but not, "Well, from working in an emergency room, I know that the human element is an important part of the healing process. Therefore, I am quite sure I won't laugh in a patient's face when I see what drugs they are taking or that they must be wearing a rain coat in the summer because underneath, their skin must look like a bowl of cornflakes. No. I will be nice and polite as I take down their insurance information and patiently remind them to have their doctors stop prescribing generic (read: inexpensive and low-profit margin generating) medications, while wondering if the patient even notices that I'm not wearing any pants under my robe, even though because of this platform behind the counter that allows me to lord over the patient, my package must be a eye-level."
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Old 11-26-2007, 12:37 PM
bobman0330 bobman0330 is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

Do you have a real-life friend who's a good writer? In addition to any changes to the substance, this piece needs some fairly heavy stylistic work, and I don't think you'll get the level of feedback you need from a message board. In general, it seems overwordy and awkwardly phrased. I get the impression that you're not very comfortable writing this stuff. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I think a good editor who's willing to help you through a couple drafts of this will help you polish it up.
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  #6  
Old 11-26-2007, 02:46 PM
Fulcanelli Fulcanelli is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

-First impression decides all, make a very good one. Don't start out (semi-)negative. In certain branches (medics, philosophy, religion, social work) a rather whimsical approach comes off very negative. You're not trying a new flavor of chips you found in the shop yesterday, you were born/destined to. Show your future employer that you are a reliable force, and that you're here to stay.

-Instead, I'd start out with your newborn child. Call it a joyful event, not an unplanned one. Don't mix concepts like "life" and "unplanned/nonchalance/accident" in the medical field. Work your way towards themes like "how this event confirmed your awareness", "fragility of life", and being passionate about it. Make the reader relate to you, after all, he/she started out from ideology/passion, and probably has kids too.

-Stay on topic, e.g. don't jump from "childbirth" to "talking to physicians" to "knowing what it takes to be a physician" back to "childbirth". It'll cut away plenty of the repetitiveness in your letter. Keep it simple, keep it clean. Avoid heavy structures, after all, you'll probably be 1 of a few hundred(!) applicants. Make it easy on the reader, and stand out of the crowd/show your intelligence through clarity.

-Selling cars doesn't show the reader your sense of humor; it shows you take up your responsibility like a real mature man when you need to. Even though it's not your dream job at all. That's not "funny" (cut the sarcasm), it's a huge asset/something to be proud of. And it's bloody serious. Now make it sound like that please.

-And no, you didn't sell cars because your wife told you to, that's a pack of lies from now on. So is "After several months spending endless hours away from my family selling cars, I started to broaden my search for something that would let me start spending my time with them." and "This was one of the first periods of my life that I was unsure of what career path I wanted to choose." Cut it out, because:...

-You were born in a family of physicians, you know the drill, and you love it: it's your destiny too. You didn't "shadow doctors", you got "working experience", as an assistant, nurse or whatever. You didn't spend "many hours", you "jumped at every opportunity you got". What's even more, you have proven to be able to handle the pressure of an emergency room. Either don't mention you only worked there for a short time, or specify why you didn't last long (if the reason you quit is something positive, like your daughter/exams/it was a student job).

-That's why you followed a course at Cardinal Health too, and you love it there. You know people, people know you, and they know you talked to them. Don't stress the obvious, mention it casually to make the following point: I know I'll fit in the structure.

-The fact that you're aggressively pursuing is self-evident. As your life story shows, you always were. Change it to "looking forward to meet you in person/personal interview to discuss matters in-depth". Don't end in a semi-negative note either, in the medical field you need to be available at all times, work longer hours etc. Of course your family is your number 1 priority, but I'd forget to mention it (as it's again, self-evident).
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Old 11-26-2007, 03:42 PM
Blarg Blarg is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

I think the last point is very important. Harping too much on family makes it sound like whatever happens, you can be the one counted on to go home first and leave your buddies and patients in the lurch, and that your job and studies will always be a perhaps distant second to what you really care about in life. That's the tone you hit when you propose marriage maybe, not when you are looking to be admitted to a school or hired for a job. As Fulcanelli notes, the importance of family is self-evident, so your harping on it sounds like you are sending out a warning sign. This is not the place for more than an artful passing mention.

You should also find a through-line to your story and stick to it. Reading a short piece that is meant to sell something, in this case, yourself, should be like a quick slip down a slide. At most a curve is okay, but no cul de sacs and never any doubt about where you will end up and when. Your piece has its energies scattered about a bit. Example:

[ QUOTE ]
It was then, knowing I would be able to dedicate myself to my family that I was completely at peace with my decision.

The following December I graduated from college. This was one of the first periods of my life that I was unsure of what career path I wanted to choose.

[/ QUOTE ]

These two things can be read as almost immediately contradicting yourself. You're unsure, then you're sure. Then you're unsure again and remind us that it's not the first time. And this immediately after your pleasing note of certainty and confidence. It doesn't make you sound like your head is on straight, whether for this essay or your life.

The ping-ponging of emphasis in your second paragraph, between daughter and medicine, is distracting and unsatisfying too. The first and second paragraphs share much of the same subject matter, but the part about your interest in being a doctor is unpleasingly chopped up and spread around between them. Get back to the smooth slide.

There is the occasional poor construction/sloppy phrasing too: "I had devoted much of my extra time talking to and learning the profession of medical doctor". Did you really talk to the profession of medical doctor? Because that doesn't mean anything. Yet you chose that construction. If nothing else, this shows that you need to take more time or get a better writer to help you out or both.

In general, it sounds like you wanted to become a pharmacist as a sort of also-ran career, perhaps of someone who set his sights low and/or let his problems with birth control precipitately alter and eventually run his life. Of the low goals you set yourself, it could be interpreted that this one was the most acceptable to you and your doctor-heavy family. Not exactly glorious. What you probably want instead is to make it sound like pharmacy is what you like for the career itself, not because it will fit into your daycare schedule or because it sure sounded better than selling cars for the rest of your life, or your wife won't put up with anything else or it's the only thing you can afford. Put some romance into it.

Whenever you apply for an admission, make it sound like being accepted is your number one goal in life, and to THIS college rather than another. Mention specifics of the program, contrasting to alternatives offered elsewhere if possible, that seem especially wise in your humble estimation, practical for the real world, and just up your alley in relation to your long-term goals. Note that getting into this particular school and profession is all part of a great life plan you are thrilled to death about and taking active steps to start already. Take out all slouchy language and meandering delivery and sell sell sell.

This is your LIFE we are talking about. Sound excited about it, completely focused, and show you are thinking of the future, not just your present struggles or the past.
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Old 11-26-2007, 06:48 PM
phiphika1453 phiphika1453 is offline
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Default Re: Critique My Personal Statement

Wow, thanks for the replies. Thankfully this is my first attempt without any revisions.

I will work on it a little and re-post a new version soon.
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