part of an old screenplay i wrote

[oy the bumbler]

This is a sizable chunk of an old screenplay i wrote a few years ago.

I am a semi-regular poster here posting as a gimmick so there is no bias from people that typically like or dislike me, and because i prefer to be distanced from my work.

Anyhow, I am a fan of oot's sense of humor in general, so I thought I would post it if anyone cared to read.

There are some random working notes interspersed, mostly towards the end, just disregard them, as this was the only copy I had on hand on this computer.

Thoughts? (other than tl;dr).

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EXT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY

The sky is overcast and it is evident that a large storm has
just passed. A silver Ford Probe pulls into a parking space
in front of the music store. The windows are down and indie
rock music is playing loudly. Both doors open simultaneously
as two young college men step out, BRIAN and JOHN. Brian is
wearing a Velvet Underground shirt, khaki shorts, and birkenstocks. John
is wearing a Beastie Boys shirt, jeans, and flip flops.

JOHN
(laughing)
...and that my friend is why I would
choose death.
(beat)
Anyway, what are we for again?

BRIAN
I told you, I have to get a tuner and
some picks. I probably should have just
ordered everything when I got the guitar.
Oh well.

They open the door and enter the local music store. As the
door shuts a tall, heavyset man walks down the road in the
background.

INT. MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE -DAY

The store is full of guys browsing, playing, and talking to
the workers. Everyone is over 30 and the two young men look
out of place. The workers do not pay any attention to them
and go about their conversation. BRIAN begins to wander
around the store trying to find a tuner. JOHN walks over to
the wall and starts to look at a mandolin as the OLD MAN next
to him notices.

OLD MAN
Do you play?

JOHN
What?

OLD MAN
I ask if you play the mandolin boy.

JOHN
(with a slight false country
accent)
Oh, no sir. You see I play the dulcimer.

OLD MAN
Well, now that sure is interesting.

JOHN
Yes, I sure do love it. It was handed
down to me by my granddaddy. You see he
was one of the finest dulcimer players in
all of....

BRIAN walks over and interrupts.

BRIAN
Hey, I couldn't find it. Let's just go
ask the guy working and get out of here.

JOHN
(still with the country accent)
I reckon that is a grand idea friend.
(to the old man)
Well it was nice talking to you sir.

He waves goodbye to the OLD MAN.

BRIAN
Why are you doing that gay thing with
your voice?

JOHN
(still with country accent)
I reckon I was a-[censored] with that old
man. I tells him I play the dulcimer and
how my granddaddy played it before me.

Brian's cell phone rings once. He reaches into his pocket and
silences the ringer.

BRIAN
Gotcha. Anyway, this thing had better be
cheap. I only have twenty bucks on me.

JOHN
Well maybe if you stopped blowing all
your money on handjobs from the chef at
Fazoli's, money wouldn't be such a
problem.

BRIAN
Yeah, well I guess I'll have to go back
to getting the free ones from your mom.

JOHN
Well at least that way you are only
blowing one of your wads.

BRIAN
Hey nice work on simultaneously being gay
and lame.

BRIAN and JOHN approach the counter. Brian has to strain to
get the attention of the STORE EMPLOYEE.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Excuse me, can you help me out?

The STORE EMPLOYEE is dressed in black, has a ponytail, and a
beard. He has a very smarmy demeanor and does not want to
deal with BRIAN.

STORE EMPLOYEE
Well that's what I am here for. What do
need big guy?

BRIAN
I'm looking for a guitar tuner for my new
acoustic.

STORE EMPLOYEE
And can you be more specific please? We
have a lot to choose from here.

BRIAN
Well I'm hoping to find one for under
twenty dollars. Do you have one like
that?

STORE EMPLOYEE
Well then I have exactly what you need.

He reaches down and grabs a box.

STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D)
Here we go. This is fifteen bucks, comes
with a battery, and works like a charm.
Need anything else?

BRIAN
So this will tune acoustics?

STORE EMPLOYEE
Sure will. Acoustics, electrics, bass,
dulcimer; you name it, it will tune it.

BRIAN
Okay. And umm, do you have any picks?

JOHN, standing next to BRIAN, notices a large display of
picks on the counter. JOHN makes a face to the store employee
as if to say 'sorry, my friend is retarded'.

STORE EMPLOYEE
I believe there may be some right there.

The STORE EMPLOYEE does an exaggerated point towards the
display.

STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D)
We would not be much of a music store
without picks, now would we?

JOHN
Yeah, sorry he is mildly retarded.

STORE EMPLOYEE
It seems so. How many and what type do
you need?

BRIAN
What? Oh, I will take 5...of the medium
kind.

STORE EMPLOYEE
That will be $17.88.

The register clinks. BRIAN and JOHN exit the store.

EXT MCGUIRE'S GUITAR STORE - DAY

BRIAN
Holy hell that guy was a total jerkoff.
That smarmy [censored].

JOHN
(laughing)
You are just pissed off that you looked
like a [censored] asking for picks.
(beat)
What does that even mean, smarmy?

BRIAN
It means like, effusively unctious.

JOHN
And that means...?

BRIAN
(pauses)
It just means he is a [censored] jerkface.
(beat)
So what do you want to do?

JOHN
I don't know. Doesn't matter to me.

Brian and John open the doors to Brian's car and get in. The
doors and panels have small dents in it.

INT BRIAN'S CAR - DAY

Brian starts the car as John looks at the guitar tuner
packaging. The interior of the car is littered with bottles
and various garbage. A bobble-head koala is mounted on the
dashboard and two leis hang from the rearview mirror.

The car backs out of the parking space and pulls out onto the
road.

BRIAN
Grab the 'Marcus eats dogfood' mix.

JOHN
Red CD, right?

BRIAN
Yeah, it should be on the left.

John looks down between the two seats where forty or so CDs
are vertically held in place on each side of the emergency
brake. He grabs the left half and quickly removes a red CD.
On it is a cartoon of a stick-man using a spoon to eat from a
can of dog food. Underneath the drawing "Marcus eats dogfood"
is written in permanent marker. He hands it to Brian.

JOHN
Here you go.

Brian places the CD into a portable walkman that is connected
to the tape deck and powered by a cigarette lighter
attachment.

Brian removes his black cell phone from his pocket and checks
the missed call.

BRIAN
That was Adam who called. Give him a call
back.

As Brian presses play and begins to search through songs,
John gives Adam a call from his shiny silver cell phone.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
You realize that phone makes you look
like eurotrash, right?

JOHN
(starting to say something to
Brian)
What does...
(into the phone)
Hey Adam what's up?
(beat)
Not much really.
(beat)
Sure, right now?
(beat)
(to Brian)
Want to go the mall?

BRIAN
Sure why not.

JOHN
(into the phone)
That's cool. We will swing by and pick
you up. Later.

The car continues down the road. Occasionally large muddy
puddles of water lie on the side of the road.

BRIAN
So are you pretty much ready for finals?

JOHN
Not really. More so than you I'm sure.

BRIAN
If you got an automatic A in each course
for peeing in your pants during the
final, would you do it?

JOHN
Do I have to do it for each class I want
an A in?

BRIAN
Yeah, for each time you pee in your
pants, you get an A for that course.

JOHN
And everyone would see me?

BRIAN
(nodding his head)
Of course.

JOHN
Probably not because I will end up with
decent grades anyway. Well maybe for calc
2, but that is only because there aren't
any cute girls in there. Would you piss
your pants for an A?

BRIAN
Hell yes I would. But see, I would beat
the system. I would pee right before I
walked into the class room. Then, I would
force myself to pee as soon as the exam
started. By the time it is over, my
little pee spot will have dried up. Easy
A and no embarressment.

JOHN
Wait a minute, you can't do that.

BRIAN
Why can't I?

JOHN
(frustrated)
Because it is cheating. It's like...if
you wore a diaper to the final and just
pissed in it. It doesn't count. No A.

BRIAN
(astonished)
Diaper huh? Damn why didn't I think of
that? That is genius.

John grabs the CD walkman and begins to change the song as he
notices a man walking down the side of the road. John notices
he is right next to a large puddle of water.

JOHN
(excited, hurriedly)
Swerve in puddle! Swerve in puddle! Quick
swerve puddle. Do it!

Brian jerks the wheel to the right just as the car passes the
man walking down the road. It goes directly through a large
pool of water, splashing a large amount of mud and water all
over the man. The pool of water turns out to be laying in a
deep pothole that the wheel crashed down into. Brian and John
scream as they realize what has happened.
As it impacts, the entire car jumps and shakes as the right
front tire blows sending the car of the road about 20 yards
in front of the puddle. This causes the CD walkman to fall to
the floorboard which changes the song as it hits. John
Lennon's "Instant Karma" begins to play. Brian and John sit
in silence for a few moments.

BRIAN
(subdued)
[censored].

JOHN
I'm pretty sure it blew out the tire. Do
you have a spare?

Before Brian has a chance to answer a hand reaches into the
window and opens the door from the inside. The large man
reaches in with both hands, grabs Brian by the shirt and
pulls him out of the car and onto the ground.

BRIAN
(yelling)
Oh [censored]!

Brian stands up.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
I am sorry sir. I apologize I am sorry.
It was an accident. I'm so sorry.

LARGE MAN
[censored] punk kid!

The large man, now covered in water and mud, runs at Brian
and punches him in the stomach, dropping him to the ground.

John, remaining in the car, leans over to the driver side and
rolls both of the windows up and locks the doors as Brian is
being kicked in the background. The music drowns out Brian's
cries for help.

FADE TO BLACK.
OPENING CREDITS

EXT - CAMPUS DORMS - DAY

FADE IN:

Two large dormitory towers rise about 20 stories above the
ground. Each is surrounded by four low-rise dorms. The sky is
gradually clearing up from the rain earlier in the afternoon.
A small number of college students congregate in the small
common area between the buildings as Brian and John walk
towards one of the smaller buildings. Brian is limping
slightly and clutching at his stomach. His lip and eye are
slightly swollen and clothing dishevelled.

INT - DORM LOBBY - DAY

A man sits behind the lobby desk playing a video-game on his
computer. Gothic techno music is playing on a portable stereo
on the counter. He has dark orange dyed hair and a goatee. He
wears a black silk shirt with green dragons up the sides and
has on a pair of dark black sunglasses. He is Earl.

EARL
(To Brian)
What the [censored] happened to you?

BRIAN
(pissed)
Nothing

EARL
Aww, did your girlfriend kick your ass
for having such a little dick?

BRIAN
No
(Beat)
And I am not dating that skank anymore
anyway.

JOHN
(smiling)
A hobo beat him up.

EARL
(laughing)
How did you manage to get into a fight
with a hobo?! Did you like touch.....

BRIAN
(cutting him off)
He wasn't a hobo. Just this big guy
walking down...

JOHN
(cutting Brian off)
It wasn't really a fight either. That
implies Brian did more than scream.

EARL
So a hobo beat your ass huh?

Brian shakes his head and begins to walk towards the
stairwell.

BRIAN
Anyway, we are here to get Smith. Later
Earl. That music is trash by the way.

Brian exits the lobby through the stairwell door. John walks
towards the desk and looks at the computer screen.

JOHN
What are you playing?

EARL
(excited)
The new Aurora-Force Warlocks and Witches
expansion pack. It has this all new
mantra magic system and extra
elemental....

JOHN
(disinterested)
Ehh.

John walks off and exits the Lobby as Earl continues to speak
and look at the computer screen.

INT - STAIRWELL - DAY

Brian slowly walks up the last few steps to the second floor
as John quickly jumps to steps at a time to catch up.

BRIAN
Hey should we give Frazier a call and see
if he wants to go?

Brian and John exit the stairwell and begin to walk down the
hall to Adam's dorm room.

JOHN
No, he is back in Bourbon County for a
horse show I think.

As they turn the corner they see Adam Smith sitting on the
hall floor, propped against the wall reading an agricultural
textbook. Adam is wearing cargo shorts and a
hampsterdance.com t-shirt. He stands six feet tall and has a
muscular build. His short buzzed hair shows a receding
hairline. He looks up and smiles when he sees Brian and John
approach.

ADAM
About damn time.
(noticing Brian's bruises)
What happened to you?

BRIAN
(before John can begin to talk)
Why are you sitting out in the hall? Is
Joe in there changing or something?

ADAM
No he went to the gym I think.
(quickly)
You all ready? Let's go. I have a lot of
studying to get to tonight.

Adam stands up.

JOHN
Yeah. So why were you sitting out in the
hallway?

ADAM
(passively)
There was a wasp.

BRIAN
What, a wasp? In your room?

ADAM
Yeah...

BRIAN
Well why didn't you just kill it?

ADAM
I don't know. It kept buzzing around
me...I didn't want to get stung.

JOHN
Understandable.

They begin to walk towards the steps, Adam with book in hand.

BRIAN
So are you going to put that in your room
or just carry it around all day?

ADAM
I'll just leave it at the front desk with
Earl.

INT DAY - DORM LOBBY - DAY

Earl still sits at the computer on the desk. He is no longer
playing a videogame, and a plate of food is on the table.

ADAM
Earl, mind if I leave this book here with
you?

Earl lets out of a huff of frustration and quickly turns away
from his computer screen

EARL
(aggrevated)
Must you interrupt me? I am in the middle
of a virtual picnic with my e-girlfriend
at the moment.

Brian and John look at each other.

EARL (CONT'D)
Anyway,
(beat)
Why don't you just put it in your room?

BRIAN
(chiming in)
Huge wasp in there.

EARL
(as if understanding the
important of the situation)
Oh, okay.
(beat)
Just set it on the counter.

Adam sets the book on the counter.

EARL (CONT'D)
It's the Carrion Faeries by the way.

ADAM
What?

EARL
(to Brian)
The group I am listening to. It isn't
[censored] trash.

BRIAN
Later Earl.

EXT - DORM COMPLEX - DAY

Brian, John, and Adam are walking towards the car.

JOHN
(to Adam)
So what do you need to get?

ADAM
A new pair of shoes and a movie.

BRIAN
What movie?

ADAM
(hesitantly)
I don't really know.

Brian slides his key into the driver side door as John and
Adam walk over to the passenger side. Upon getting to the
other side, Adam sees that the front right tire is now
replaced with a tiny, tiny donut spare wheel.

ADAM (CONT'D)
(laughing)
What happened to the wheel?

BRIAN
The tire popped. That is a spare.

Adam leans over and looks at it closer and gives it a kick.

ADAM
(still laughing)
But it looks so stupid.

Brian gets in the car, starts the car, and rolls the windows
down. John and Adam are seen through the window, both with
their right fist resting in the open left palm.

JOHN
Two out of three.
(beat)
Go.

They are playing paper-rock-scissor. Adam throws rock; John
throws paper. The second hand they both throw scissors. The
next hand Adam throws rock again and John again beats him
with paper. John raises his arms triumphantly.

JOHN (CONT'D)
(to Adam)
To the back with you!.

Adam climbs into the tiny, cramped, garbage riddled back
seat.

ADAM
(muttering)
Stupid [censored] rock.

John gets into the passenger seat, shuts the door, and
reclines the seat back, crushing Adam even more.

JOHN
(laughing, to Brian)
He throws it every time.

EXT - FAYETTE MALL - DAY

The mall. It resembles every other fairly nice mall across
America. A bum sits propped up by the entrance. He has a
cardboard sign which reads: "God Bless America"; and a small
cup for change.

As Brian, John, and Adam walk by, Adam puts some change into
the man's cup. The bum nods his head in appreciation as the
guys enter into the mall food court.

INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY

The three begin to walk through the mall. Brian is constantly
looking around at women.

BRIAN
(to Adam)
Did you just give that bum money?

ADAM
Yeah, like a quarter. Why?

BRIAN
But all he was doing was sitting there.

JOHN
Well, he IS a bum.

BRIAN
Yeah, but personally I think that bums
should have to work a bit harder to earn
their money.

ADAM
Well, he had a sign.

JOHN
Not to totally agree with Brian, but that
sign was pretty lame.
(beat)
I mean, relying on patriotism is just a
bit too obvious to make me hand over my
change. He could have at least attempted
some bum humor and had the sign say
something like "Screw Food, I Need
Beer!". It was just a total lack of
motivation and effort on his part.

BRIAN
I agree. Than again, if he were motivated
person he probably wouldn't be a bum in
the first place.

JOHN
And yet you want him to perform in order
to get your change?

BRIAN
Exactly.

ADAM
Geez, shut up about the damn hobo
already. I only gave him a quarter.

BRIAN
Well in that case can I have a quarter?
Me and John are heading to the arcade.
Just meet us in the food court when you
are done.

JOHN
Adam, not a hobo. That guy was a bum.
Hobos migrate. That's the difference.

Adam shakes his head and heads down a walkway as Brian and
John head in the other direction. The customer service desk
is being staffed by two fairly attractive young women.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Check it out, hot customer service chick.

BRIAN
No, the girl in the blue is 'customer
service chicks older sister.' Hot
customer server chick looks just like
her, but more petite and a bit cuter.

JOHN
But they aren't really sisters, right?

BRIAN
Yeah, I'm just saying they look alike.
(beat)
And that other girl is 'mini-backpack
purse girl.'

JOHN
Who?

BRIAN
Remember, like a year ago at that party
off Sherrard Circle...She was one of the
only two cute girls there. She had that
heavy blue makeup on her eyelids and was
always talking to the slutty blonde that
was in the pink top. She was wearing one
of those tiny backpack purses.

JOHN
The blonde [censored]?

BRIAN
No, mini-backpack purse chick. Anyway,
that was her.

JOHN
Your ability to remember crap like that
about girls you see for maybe, like five
seconds, is uncanny.
(thinking for a second)
I love it when a girl with blonde hair is
wearing pink. It is a perfect
combination...so hot.

Brian notices a woman walking in the opposite direction.

BRIAN
(motioning with his head
towards the woman)
Like her?

John looks and sees a woman with bleach blonde hair and a
baby pink top. She looks to be around 60 years old.

JOHN
Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Wassup stinky boo?

They continue to walk for a few seconds when Brian notices a
group of three 16 year old girls sitting at a bench.
Something catches his eye as he stops and turns.

BRIAN
Oh my dear Lord.

JOHN
What?
(seeing the girls)
They are like 8 years old you pedophile.

BRIAN
The poster jackass. Hanging up.

John looks past the girls and sees THE POSTER. It is hanging
from the show window in the Victoria's Secret store. The
woman on the poster is model Adriana Lima. She has dark skin,
dark brown hair, and shining blue eyes. All that she is
wearing is a purple sheer set of bra and panties and a gold
chain around her neck.

JOHN
Holy sweet God damn.
(beat)
That is incredible.

Brian and John walk up in front of the window and stare up at
the poster. It is eleven feet tall and five feet wide.

BRIAN
This is the most beautiful thing I have
ever seen in my life.

JOHN
I would honestly punch you in the face
right now to make out with that woman.

BRIAN
And I would let you.
(beat)
You do realize that we are going to have
to steal this right?

JOHN
Yes. Yes we do. Soon.

They continue to stand in front of the poster, both staring
up at it.

JOHN (CONT'D)
It's the gold chain. That's what does it
for me. Perfect.

BRIAN
No no. It's the look in her eyes. Like
she is about to have her way with me.
(beat)
We had better get to the arcade before we
start creeping people out.

They begin to walk away, both looking back with eyes locked
on the poster.

INT - MALL - OUTSIDE ARCADE

Brian and John enter the arcade.

INT - MALL - INSIDE ARCADE

The arcade is relatively dark inside. As Brian and John get
change from the machine, patrons are seen playing various
games. Two fat kids, whose t-shirts are soaked through with
sweat, jump in sequence as they play Dance Dance Revolution 3
while another chubby kid watches. A seventy year old man is
skillyfully throwing skee-ball.

Brian and John approach the two-man shooting game Time Crisis
II and drop their quarters in.

JOHN
I swear that old guy is always here
playing skee-ball. He is like a pro or
something. Just watch him

The old man swings the ball back, approaches the ramp, and
gracefully releases. The ball drops into the tiny 1000-point
hole and the old man pumps his fist. The machine dispenses
more tickets to the already enormous pile laying on the
ground.

Brian presses start and the two begin to shoot at the screen.

BRIAN
My theory is that he is retired, has
nothing to do with his time, and loves
those giant pixie sticks I bet he gets
with all those tickets.
(beat)
Anyway, about that poster. We need to get
it, seriously. It would look so badass in
the apartment.

JOHN
Yeah it would. Just a matter of planning
it out and taking it. We need more people
to help obviously.

BRIAN
I'm thinking the two of us and three or
four others would be...

Brian gets shot in the videogame.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(pissed)
Damn it could you give me a little help
once in a while? I'm doing like eighty
percent of the work here.
(beat)
I'm pretty sure Frazier will be up for
it. Jake too. Then Marcus and Adam would
make six.

JOHN
Yeah we can talk Marcus and Adam into
anything. Make you pay attention to
everything when we walk back by so we can
map it out later.

BRIAN
Will do.

Brian gets shot again and slams the gun down into the
holster.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(pissed again)
You just got my ass killed!

John starts laughing as Brian turns and looks over at the
skee-ball machines. The old man throws two balls
simultaneously, one with each hand, up the ramp and into the
thousand point holes. He pumps his fist and turns and makes
eye contact with Brian. He points at him with his hand shaped
like a gun and winks as he "fires". Brian stares back blankly
and gives him the thumbs up.

INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - DAY

Adam sits alone at table drinking a milkshake. He is no
longer wearing sandals and is instead wearing unique looking
blue tennis shoes.

Brian and John approach and notice the shoes.

JOHN
I see you got some new shoes. What are
they?

ADAM
"No Boundaries". Fourteen bucks at Tim's
Discount Shoery" You all like em?

Brian and John almost begin to make fun of them, but realize
that they are pretty nice.

BRIAN
Nice, I like them.

JOHN
Fourteen bucks huh?
(beat)
Did you get your movie?

ADAM
No. Do you all mind going to Walmart?
DVD's are cheaper there.

BRIAN
That's fine I need more ping pong balls
anyway. Have you seen the huge poster at
Victoria Secret?

ADAM
Yeah, hot girl in the purple. Why?

BRIAN
We are going to steal it. Will you help
us out?

ADAM
(looking around, quietly)
What? Like right now?

JOHN
Not right now. We will plan it out later.

ADAM
Yeah I guess. Only if I'm not too
involved though.

BRIAN
You won't be.

Brian stands up.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Well let's go. I have important things to
do today.

John and Adam get up to leave and as the three exit, they
pass the old man from the arcade sitting down. He has a large
number of giant pixie sticks in one hand and is dumping one
in his mouth with the other hand. He is also wearing a number
of black plastic spider rings.

EXT - WALMART - PARKING LOT -DAY

Brian's car pulls into a parking space in the enormous packed
lot. They get out of the car, Adam again getting out of the
tiny back seat, and begin to walk towards the store. They
pass three fourteen to sixteen year old skateboarders smoking
and sitting around a cart drop-off. One of the skateboard
punks notices Brian's shirt as they walk by.

SKATEBOARD PUNK
(to Brian)
Hey man, hate to break it to you but
Weezer sucks my ass.

Brian is caught off guard as the punks all start laughing.

BRIAN
(still walking)
Yeah well too bad that...
(awkwardly)
you suck.

The skateboard punks, along with Adam and John, laugh again
at the lameness of the comeback.

ADAM
You just got punked out by those kids!

BRIAN
(pissed)
I didn't get punked out! I can't stand
little jerk faces like that.

JOHN
Don't be pissed that they are just cooler
than you.

BRIAN
They aren't [censored] cooler than me.

JOHN
Well they are at least wittier.
(beat)
You should have called him out for his
'dirty teenage mustache'.

The vocal punk lightly strokes the dirty mustache he has
spent the past fifteen years of his life growing.

BRIAN
They caught me off guard.

Brian, John, and Adam go into the entrance on the right side
of the store. By the other entrance on the on left end of the
store, a bum lays asleep.

He sits up, reaches into a potato sack and pulls out a coffee
can full of change and an old style boom-box. He sets the can
down in front of himself and presses play. The song "Best
Looking Boys" by the Promise Ring begins to play. The bum
begins to dance wildly as a small crowd instantly gathers.
They begin to clap along and throw change and dollar bills
into the can. The skateboard punks can be seen walking toward
him in the background. They quickly run by and swoop up the
can full of money and take off running. The bum immediately
stops dancing and runs after them out of frame. The stereo
continues to play and moments later of the skaters run into
frame and kick the hell out of the stereo.

CUT TO:

INT - WALMART - DAY

Brian, John and Adam walking through the store.

JOHN
What movie are you getting?

ADAM
The Postman.

JOHN
(high pitched)
Whaaaaaaaaaat?

BRIAN
Why do you buy such bad movies? I think
you have a raging hard-on for Kevin
Costner.

ADAM
(seriously)
It is a scavenger movie. I'm a scavenger.
I like scavenger movies.

Brian and John laugh.

BRIAN
Well I am going to see if they have any
three-stars while you go scavenge up your
Costner movie.

Brian and John walk off to the sporting goods as Adam heads
to electronics.

INT - WALMART - SPORTING GOODS - DAY

Brian is looking at the ping-pong equipment and sees only 1
star (low quality) balls.

BRIAN
(muttering)
Pieces of crap.

JOHN
(O.S.)
Check it out!

Brian turns and sees John smiling and holding up a package
containing a silver pistol.

BRIAN
Badass!

INT - WALMART - ELECTRONICS - DAY

Adam stands with the Postman in hand looking at the other
movies as Brian and John walk up.

ADAM
You all ready?
(noticing the guns)
What are those?

JOHN
Tampons.
(beat)
What the hell do they look like?

ADAM
Well are they real?

BRIAN
In a sense, yes. They shoot plastic
bullets. 20 bucks

ADAM
That's cool, but I prefer the real thing.

Adam motions to his waistline and presses on his T-shirt to
reveal the outline a pistol.

BRIAN
We appreciate your protection Mr. Heston.

They approach the checkout lanes where an old woman in heavy
makeup is working. Brian grabs a pack of Mambas from the
candy stand as she checks John out. Brian places the gun and
Mambas on the counter.

OLD CASHIER WOMAN
(sternly)
I.D.

Brian doesn't realize what she is asking for.

OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D)
I.D. please. You have to be at least
sixteen to purchase this.

Brian removes his wallet and shows his license to the woman
and begins to put it back in his pocket.

OLD CASHIER WOMAN (CONT'D)
Take it out of your wallet sir.

Brian removes his wallet and takes the license out and hands
it to the woman.

She looks at it, looks at Brian, then looks back at it. She
holds it out with extended arms and Brian begins to reach for
it. She pulls it back from his hands, holds it up to the
light, flips it over, looks again, and finally hands it back.
Brian snatches it out of her hand and hands her his credit
card.

JOHN
I thought you didn't have any money?

BRIAN
I don't. Putting it on my Mom's card;
tell her its groceries or something.

Brian is handed his bag as Adam sets his movie down.

OLD CASHIER WOMAN
Oh I love scavenger movies!

ADAM
Me too!
(motioning to Brian and John)
They made fun of me.

The woman looks over and gives them a dirty look.

EXT - WALMART - DAY

The three are walking out to the car.

BRIAN
I can't believe that old [censored] I.D.'d me
like that.

ADAM
I thought she was nice.

BRIAN
You think that only because she has a
crush on Kevin Costner too.

JOHN
Wouldn't the mere fact that you have a
license entail that you are at least
sixteen?

BRIAN
I know!

JOHN
What a cashier nazi.

ADAM
Maybe she thought it was fake.

BRIAN
Yeah I had forgotten about all of the
young kids using fake I.D.'s to buy cheap
plastic guns.

ADAM
It's possible.

They continue to walk for a moment.

BRIAN
Let's go throw frisbee.

JOHN
Can't, have to study.

ADAM
Same here.

BRIAN
That is a cop out. Come on.

JOHN
It's not a cop out. Some people actually
care about their classes; I'm going to
study.

ADAM
Not everyone can just guess on their
exams and still manage to get a B.

BRIAN
(to Adam)
Come on. You will just end up watching
The Postman.
(to John)
And you will end up playing videogames
and napping all day.
(beat)
I will give Jake a call.

INT - DILAPIDATED HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

A rotary phone, ringing, rests on the counter next to the
refridgerater. An electrical guitar is being played in the
other room. A dry erase board on the refridgerator reads:
'Jake - We need last months electrical and cable NOW -
$43.86'

A man walks into the kitchen. He looks to be about 18 years
old trying to appear 28, sporting a beard and glasses. He
answers the phone.

BEARDED GUY
Hold on.

He walks out of the kitchen and down a hallway where a quilt
is hanging in front of the entrance to the next room. He
moves the quilt aside to enter the living room. He walks in
to find a young guy butt ass naked, save for the guitar slung
low over his genitals. The naked guy does not notice his
appearance and continues wailing on the guitar. The living
room is full of musical equipment: amps, guitars, a drum set.
It's walls are covered in various quilts and blankets in an
attempt to soundproof the room.

BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
(yelling)
JAKE!

Jake, still playing, doesn't notice.

BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
(yelling louder)
JAKE!

Jake looks up while continuing to play.

The bearded guy mouths "phone" while holding his hand to his
head. Jake nods in understanding and stops playing. The
bearded guy begins to exit through the quilt, stops, and pops
his head back in.

BEARDED GUY (CONT'D)
And could you put some [censored] clothes
on?

EXT - LIBRARY - LATE - DAY

The expansive library rests against a now clear blue sky. A
large number of students are walking about the area.

INT - LIBRARY - TOP FLOOR - DAY

A large number of students study at rows of large wooden
tables. Ambient classical music plays. We follow behind an
attractive young woman as she walks by a number of the
tables. At the end of the row of tables to walks by a window
and looks out of it.

In an open field out the window, four small figures are seen
running around.

EXT - OPEN FIELD NEXT TO LIBRARY - DAY

Brian, John, Adam, and Jake are throwing frisbee. A brief
montage show them running, throwing, and making a number of
impressive catches: diving, between the legs, behind the
back. At the end of the montage everyone is standing around
out of breath.

JAKE
That was badass.

JOHN
Too wet, could't run well.

BRIAN
Blah. We suck ass now. Too much frolfing
lately has thrown everyone off.

JAKE
What are you all doing tonight? We should
frolf before it gets dark.

JOHN
Sorry can't. Going to study now.

ADAM
Same here.

JAKE
[censored] thats right, your finals are coming
up.
(to Brian)
Want to pong?

BRIAN
Yeah, I have my stuff in my car right by
the Seaton Center.
(to John)
I'll be up there later after I shower and
crap. Fifth floor tables?

JOHN
Always. Holla.

INT - SPORTS &amp; REC CENTER - RACQUETBALL ROOM - DAY

Brian and Jake are in a wooden-floored racquetball room where
a ping pong table lies in the middle. They are both sweating,
rallying the ball back and forth like pros. On a catwalk
overhead, an Asian man and woman watch them play. Jake rips a
winner off the back of the table and raises his arms in the
air.

JAKE
(yelling)
[censored] RIGHT!

BRIAN
DAMMIT.
(picking the ball up)
Ten All. Your serve.

They continue to play.

JAKE
So are you just not even worrying about
studying for finals?

BRIAN
Not much one can do at this point. I mean
I will study a bit, but I am pretty much
locked into whatever I am going to get in
everything.

JAKE
So after this semester you will be
totally off of your scholarship? Your mom
is going to be pissed.

BRIAN
No way, that has been totally lost for a
while now. Was on probation last fall,
and you know how that went. She will be
pretty pissed though when the grades come
in. I am just ready for the summer to
start.

JAKE
Yeah. I can't wait until next fall starts
back up though. It sucks being away from
everything and work has been killing me.
The money is nice but I regret taking the
semester off.

BRIAN
Are you going to keep working there over
the summer?

JAKE
No, teaching tennis again. Easy money and
it is pretty fun. Are you working this
summer?
(beat)
Game point by the way.

BRIAN
Probably not. Hopefully my parents will
still cover rent and I will just live off
the rest of my savings and take it easy
all summer.
(beat)
Bring it chimpo.<b

[oy the bumbler]

<font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre>
Brian serves the ball and the ball is quickly rallied back
and forth. Jake forehands a near-winner as Brian barely
manages to pop it up for the return. Jake yells as he slams
the ball down for the victory. The two Asian people on the
catwalk begin to clap and cheer. Brian yells, takes the ball
and throws it at them, and they flee away.

////////still need to right ending scene here to this
secquence//////

INT - BRIAN AND JOHN'S CONDO - DUSK

The inside of Brian and John's condo is open and spacious
with vaulted ceilings. The entire place is filthy. In the
kitchen plates covered in food pile up on the kool-aid
stained counter. The living room is made up of a couch, love
seat, a coffee table, a TV desk upon rests a 27" TV, an old
stereo, floor lamps, and two racks of DVDs. Perched atop the
TV are a squirrel and monkey.

"Come on-a My House" by Rosemary Clooney is playing on the
stereo as the door to Brian's bathroom opens and he steps
out. Still somewhat wet from his shower, wearing just a towel
across his waist, he pauses. It is as if he is listening to
some signal from his body.

After a brief second, a dejected look comes over his face.

BRIAN
(muttering)
Dammit.

He steps back into the bathroom and closes the door.

/////smoother transition needs to be written/////

EXT - LIBRARY PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Brian's car pulls into a space. He steps out, looks into the
back for his backpack, not able to find out.

CUT TO:

INT - BRIAN AND JOHN'S CONDO - NIGHT

A navy backpack rests on an ironing board in the living room.

BRIAN
(V.O)
[censored]

CUT BACK TO:

EXT - LIBRARY PARKING LOT - BRIAN'S CAR - NIGHT

After being upset for a mere second, Brian remembers
something, and reaches for the glove compartment. It is
opened to reveal the pack of Mambas purchased earlier in the
day.

BRIAN
(happily, to himself)
Mambas.

INT - LIBRARY - 5TH FLOOR - NIGHT

John sits at a large wooden table with two other young guys.
One is thin, italian, and sports musketeer-esque facial hair.
The other is built like a brick [censored]-house, solid muscle and
short cropped hair. They are MARCUS FOLCHI and CHAD REED
respecively.

JOHN
(to Marcus)
I think that it would be a lot easier to
find a Thevenin equivelant than trying to
deal with that mesh analysis [censored].

Brian walks towards them, glancing about for women, and sits
at the table.

BRIAN
What's up my nuckas?

JOHN
(glancing up at the clock)
You played ping pong for four hours?

BRIAN
No, just like two. Then I went home,
watched Blind Date, showered, and now I'm
here.

JOHN
Who won?

BRIAN
Blind Date isn't a contest.

JOHN
As in pong jackass.

BRIAN
[censored] Jake.

JOHN
Ahh, that sucks.

BRIAN
Yeah, but I am still winning series wise
by like 20 sets or something.
(beat)
Do you want to know what really sucks
though?
(beat)
Just like right before I showered I
checked my body for any signal that I
needed to crap. Nothing at all. So I
shower, and the SECOND I am drying off
all of a sudden I have this sudden
epiphany that I have to take a huge crap.
It is the worst.

John, Marcus, and Chad all get a kick out of this.

JOHN
That just makes you feel dirty all day.

CHAD
I usually just get back in the shower if
I have time. No skanky ass for me.

BRIAN
Well I would have, but I had to get here.

CHAD
But you don't even have any books. You
just have candy.

MARCUS
(to Brian)
Can I have a Mamba?

Brian throws a Mamba to marcus.

BRIAN
Yeah, but I am here to plan out this
heist we are going to pull.

CHAD
Yeah John told us about it. That will be
pretty funny if you all actually go
through with it.

BRIAN
So are you in?

CHAD
No way.

He starts to pack his stuff up to leave.

CHAD (CONT'D)
I have to get out of here. You are a time
burgaler.

Chad gets up and leaves.

BRIAN
Later.
(beat)
Marcus, in?

MARCUS
Can I have another mamba?

Brian slides him another mamba.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Yeah I guess. Do you have a plan?

BRIAN
Not yet,
(to John)
have you come up with anything yet?

John slides a piece of paper over to Brian. On it, John has
drawn two stick-men carrying a huge poster with a stick-woman
on it; a stick-man in a wheelchair is behind them.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
This, this is excellent work here,
really. I think out planning is complete.
And in the wheelchair, FDR I assume?

JOHN
The man himself.

Brian grabs the pen and begins to draw.

BRIAN
Let me know if there is anything I leave
off or get wrong.

JOHN
Let me have a mamba.

Brian throws him a lemon one as he continus to draw.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Don't give me a [censored] lemon one. Lemon
is the worst candy flavor ever. Granted,
some people may enjoy it, but no one
actually prefers lemon over orange,
cherry, grape, and strawberry.

BRIAN
What about Lemonheads?

MARCUS
I like lemon-drops.

JOHN
(irritated)
That isn't the same at all. I am talking
about a pack of multi-fruit flavored
candies. On whole, lemon is always the
worst. Period. See, now Runts got it
right. No lemon at all;
they saved the yellow color for banana,
and made lime the sour flavored minority
of the group. Willy Wonka knows his [censored].

BRIAN
Take a [censored] strawberry one then if it
will stop your bitching.

John grabs a strawberry Mamba.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Here check this out.

Brian slides the piece of paper back to John upon which he
has drawn a rudimentary overview of the mall area.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
I think this pretty much covers it. Four
possible exits. Two main maill exits and
two big store exits through JC Penny and
Sears.

John looks over the map.

JOHN
So we are assuming we already have this
thing down and in our possession without
a hitch.

BRIAN
Yeah, then we can just work backwards.

JOHN
Well if we just parade through the mall
and go out one of the main exits, then
chances are a lot more people, including
the mall security, will see us.

BRIAN
Yes, but in trying to exit through the
stores, there is a chance that their
actual store security, loss protection,
and employees may stop us.

JOHN
Still, I think that is the way to go.
Whichever store can be exited in the
least amount of time is the one.

BRIAN
Well, sears would be the closer exit, but
I think JC Penny is the better call.
The workers there are most likely women
or [censored]. Less chance of some tool
salesman trying to be Johnny Hero.

JOHN
Okay, so how do we get it?

BRIAN
It is just like that one guy says, the
best way to do something is most often
the simplest. We just take it off the
hooks like it is our business and walk
off. Only, we have some distractions
helping us out as well.

A guy walks up behind them.

MARCUS
It's Occam.

Brian turns to see BRIAN WALTERS.

BRIAN
(to Marcus)
That's Walters jackass.

Brian WALTERS is tall and relatively muscular; built like a
soccer player. He has long bleached hair and looks like he
would be more at home on the beach than in the middle of
Ohio.

MARCUS
(quietly)
I meant the one guy you were...

BRIAN
(turning back to Walters)
What's up man?

WALTERS
What's up Powell, Cooper?

He nods his head to say hello to Marcus.

JOHN
Not [censored], studying a bit earlier. Now we
are planning out to steal this giant
poster from Victoria Secret in the mall.

WALTERS
[censored] right. I know the ones you are
talking about.

He leans over and looks at the map where the possible escape
route has bee drawn.

WALTERS (CONT'D)
You are exiting through Pennies?
(beat)
Bad call, let me see that pen.

Walters takes the pen and draws an exit tunnel a few shops
down from Victoria Secret.

WALTERS (CONT'D)
Just use this. It's an emergency exit,
but there isn't like any alarm on it or
something. It is just a long tunnel that
exits out to this small lot. That's the
way to go.

BRIAN
How do you know about that?

WALTERS
From where I worked at that coffee place.
I used it a couple of times.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL - COFFEE BEANERY - DAY

Walters is behind the counter wearing a cheesy apron and hat
that proudly display the Coffee Beanery logo. He stares
vacantly off into the distance. a BLONDE YUPPIE MOM
approaches the counter and snaps him out of his daze.

BLONDE YUPPIE MOM
Excuse me.

WALTERS
Why hello. How many I help you?

BLONDE YUPPIE MOM
I would just like a large vanilla mocha
blast with extra cream

WALTERS
Just one minute please.

Walters turns his back to her and saunters over to the
machines and prepares the drink. With his back to her, he
leans over and appears to have taken a drink of it. The woman
watches suspiciously. He returns to the counter, a tiny bit
of froth clinging to his upper lip.

WALTERS (CONT'D)
That will be two dollars and...

BLONDE YUPPIE MOM
(cutting him off sharpyl)
Excuse me did you just take a drink of
that?

Walters pauses for a few seconds staring at her. He runs his
tongue across his upper lip.

WALTERS
(calmly)
I believe I did

BLONDE YUPPIE MOM
(obviously pissed)
This is absolutely ridiculous.

She storms off.

WALTERS
(unaffected, to himself)
[censored].

He then looks down at the drink, slightly shrugs his
shoulders, and picks it back up to take a drink.

CUT BACK TO:

INT - LIBRARY - 5TH FLOOR - NIGHT

WALTERS
Yeah I didn't work there too long.
(beat)
Anyways, there's a bowl with my name on
it back at the house. Give me a call
sometime this weekend if there's anything
going on. Later on.

Walters walks off as Brian and John look back over the map.

BRIAN
Well that pretty much settles the escape
route.

JOHN
Yeah, that's badass. But we should go
check everything out to make sure it will
work.

BRIAN
Well let's stake it out tomorrow, check
the escape route, and find out just
exactly how we are going to take it.

JOHN
I can't go during the afternoon; review
session tomorrow from like 1 to 4.

BRIAN
Gay. Marcus?

MARCUS
Working in the computer lab until 8.

BRIAN
[censored] it. I'll give Frazier a call.

Brian takes out his cell phone and presses the voice dial.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(into the phone)
Fraz.

INT - FRAZIER'S ROOM - NIGHT

A cell phone rests amidst a sea of empty beer cans on a glass
coffee table - Natural Light. It begins to vibrate as
Composer's "Ride of the Valkyries" blares out of the ringer.

It belongs to a weary-eyed and quite drunk MATT FRAZIER. He
is a dark, wavy-haired athletic twenty year old. He allows
the phone to play a few more bars, enjoying the classical
music before answering.

FRAZIER
(on the phone)
What's up?
(beat)
Supposed to be in at 7.
(beat)

He glances at the table of beer cans.
It's not looking like it.
(beat)
Sure come by around noon I guess.
(beat)
Later.

Setting the phone down he looks up to a slightly chunky asian
girl waiting for his attention.
She is clad in lacy panties and a 'Hello Kitty' t-shirt and
holds a can of Nattie Light out to him.

CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL
(struggling with her English)
Here it is for you. Who is this?

Frazier cracks open the beer and gazes at her longingly,
drunkenly.

FRAZIER
Come to me little one.

EXT - ESTABLISHING - FRAZIER'S HOUSE - DAY

Brian walks up an external wooden staircase to the upper
level of a dilapidated house.

INT - FRAZIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Brian knock once and opens the door, almost knocking into the
chunky asian girl as she tries to exit.

CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL
(giggling)
I sorry.

She turns to Frazier as she walks out the door.

CHUNKY ASIAN GIRL (CONT'D)
Goodbye Jeff.

Frazier, sitting on the couch in his E.T. boxers, gives her a
half wave as she leaves the house.

Brian and Frazier look at each other for a moment, which is
interrupted quite awkwardly.

FRAZIER
So what's up?

BRIAN
What was that all about?

FRAZIER
What? Ling Ling?

BRIAN
Yes Ling Ling.
(beat)
Her name is Ling Ling?

FRAZIER
I don't know, possibly.

BRIAN
That's the name of one of those giant
pandas.

FRAZIER
Oh yeah...? Oh well.

BRIAN
And why did she call you Jeff?

FRAZIER
I don't know why, but sometimes when I am
trashed I tell people my name is Jeff.
Really no clue as to why.

BRIAN
So did you ball her Jeff?

Frazier kind of smiles and nods his head, a bit ashamed, and
rightly so.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
You realize that as far as standards go,
you have none. Right?

FRAZIER
I can't really argue that can I?

Brian begins to saunter about the living room.

BRIAN
Put some pants on and let's go.

Brian steps into Frazier's bedroom, notices something on the
bed, and begins to look around for something with which to
pick it up.

FRAZIER
(O.S.)
Where are we going again?

BRIAN
Laying the escape route for the VS heist.

Frazier casually sniffs his armpit, and then his fingers. He
recoils from his own crapulence.

FRAZIER
What the hell is that?

BRIAN
(O.S.)
I'll explain on the way.
(beat)
Your panda bear left you a gift by the
way.

Brian walks back into the living room with a coat hanger in
his hand. Dangling from the end is a large pair panties with
little cartoon kittens all over them

FRAZIER
(laughing whilst disgusted)
My God. Those are to be burnt
immediately.

BRIAN
(in an asian female falsetto)
Oooh Frazier...err Jeff. Me love you
soooo much. You marry me? Get Ling Ling
green card? I love you long time Jeff.
Hello Kitty? Hello Kitty? Meow.

CUT TO:

EXT - ESTABLISHING - MALL PARKING LOT- DAY

Cars parked in row upon row. A black Chevy Blazer drives up
to a stop sign, pauses, and then dies.

INT - FRAZIER'S CAR - DAY

Brian is glancing through a stack of CD's. Some of which are
his.

Frazier tries the ignition, but the engine will not turn
over.

BRIAN
What's the deal?

FRAZIER
Giver he a second.

BRIAN
This i the exact type of [censored] that cannot
happen during the heist.

FRAZIER
Don't knock the getaway vehicle unless
you are wanting to get your own.

As he finishes saying this the car starts.

FRAZIER (CONT'D)
A [censored] top.

They begin to circle around the parking lot, driving towards
the area of the emergency exit they plan as the escape.

FRAZIER (CONT'D)
So when is all of this going down anyway?

BRIAN
Sometime next week. Sometime late at
night, right before close. So no Sunday;
close too early.

FRAZIER
Well how about Monday? First day of the
week. Catch them off guard.

BRIAN
Sunday. Sunday is the first day of the
week.

FRAZIER
Well, we members of the working portion
of the population generally consider
Monday the first day. I'm sure this all
sounds foreign to you.

BRIAN
Monday is out as well. All the people who
get off late Sunday but can't go shopping
will be there late Monday night. I say
Tuesday will be the most dead.

FRAZIER
Sounds logical enough for me. Will this
affect your finals any?

Brian shoots him the look as if to say "what the [censored]?".

FRAZIER (CONT'D)
(beat)
Of course not.

The car pulls into a small half-enclosed area where the
double door emergency exit lies.

BRIAN
This is it.

FRAZIER
So I just wait here until I see the two
of you bust through the doors, poster in
hand and piss-stains in pants?

BRIAN
Sounds about right.

Brian looks around and notices the mall parking security jeep
cruising by in the distance.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(signaling)
And there is all you have to worry about.

FRAZIER
Just watch him huh?

BRIAN
I will call you when we are in position,
then you call me back whenever it looks
clear our here, and then it starts.

FRAZIER
Badass. So does everyone know what to do?

BRIAN
Yeah, pretty much. We'll meet for lunch
Monday night or something and go over it
all.
(beat)
Oh [censored] I got a riddle for you.

FRAZIER
It's not another [censored] number one is
it?

BRIAN
No it is pretty simple.

FRAZIER
Let's hear it.

BRIAN
Just to let you know, John got it the
other day in a couple minutes.

FRAZIER
Don't [censored] put pressure on me, just
tell it.

BRIAN
Okay. Let's say you have like an empty
wine bottle. And you take a coin and put
it inside the bottle; then you put the
cork in it.
(beat)
How can you get the coin out without
taking the cork out. Or destroying the
bottle?

Frazier thinks for a second.

FRAZIER
I can't take the cork out?

BRIAN
No.

FRAZIER
And I can't break the bottle?

BRIAN
No.

FRAZIER
(guessing)
Just turn the bottle upside down and
shake the [censored] out of it until the coin
knocks the cork out.

BRIAN
That is taking the cork out.

FRAZIER
Then I give up. How?

BRIAN
I'm not telling your lazy ass. Figure it
out.

FRAZIER
Don't be gay. Tell me.

Brian shakes his head no.

FRAZIER (CONT'D)
[censored] it. I don't care about bottles or
wine or pointless riddles.
(beat)
Are we done hear?

BRIAN
I would say so.

FRAZIER
What are you getting into tonight?

BRIAN
Not [censored] most likely. May study for my
Monday final.

FRAZIER
HA! Drinky time it sounds like.

// [censored] come up with something really clever here. consult
the notebook for the idea. involves question and answer being
days apart, yet making since both together there, and each
making sense in context to their time.

As Frazier finishes this question, we swing behind Brian's
head for his perspective of the montage of how his weekend
was spent.

Everything happens in very, very fast motion. With every beat
however, the speed slows down for just a second to half speed
to allow the moment to register, before ramping the speed
back up until the next moment.

BRIAN'S WEEKEND MONTAGE

-rian and Frazier driving down the road.

-Brian in a gas station purchasing beer. (Nattie Light, cans
of course.)

-Sitting on a couch drinking.

-Ordering pizza, pizza arrive, eating said pizza.

-Continued drinking, random people coming and going.

-Heading out to the bars, getting drunk, getting in a cab,
passing out on own bed.

-The night passes.

-Wakes up, eats a box of fudge rounds while watching TV.

-Calls phone, Jake shows up, they play videogames, then
tennis.

-Eating food with Adam.

-Ping pong until late at night.

-Heads home, sleeps again.

-Wakes again. Eats donuts at 3 pm. Spaces out. Meets John and
Marcus for dinner. Throws frisbee with them. Heads back into
the library and plays paper football with John.

-Heads home, shaves, begins to watch 'Bottle Rocket', fals
asleep.

-Wakes up on couch, checks the time. Rushes off to campus.

-Walks into the exam late. Picks it up. Finishes before any
else in the class, turns it in. Struts out.

-Calls Frazier. Picks him up. Heads to Fazoli's.

As Brian and Frazier talk, we slow back down to normal speed
and pick up where we last left off.

INT - FAZOLI'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT - DAY

//again, more clever pickup.

BRIAN
So not too much really.

FRAZIER
How was the exam?

BRIAN
Multiple choice. Was out in fifteen
minutes.

FRAZIER
Raped it?

BRIAN
Vice-versa.

FRAZIER
Is it even possible at this point to be
any bigger of a disappointment to your
parents?

Brian ponders this for a second.

BRIAN
If I got Ling Ling knocked up...
(beat)
And even then, at least I am DOING
something with my life.

FRAZIER
Yeah...
(beat)
So can you superheat the bottle so the
coin melts through the bottom?

BRIAN
Neg.

FRAZIER
This is [censored].

John walks over with Jake and after filling their drinks at
the fountain machine.

JOHN
What's [censored]?

FRAZIER
Nothing.

BRIAN
He is pissed because his [censored] cannot
figure out the coin in bottle riddle.

JAKE
The one where you just---

BRIAN
---Shut the [censored] up. Don't tell him.

FRAZIER
Is the answer that there is no answer?

BRIAN
That would make it the worst riddle of
all time.

FRAZIER
I wouldn't be surprised.

Adam walks over and joins the four at the table.

ADAM
Whats up Jake, Frazier,
(to Brian and John)
[censored].

EVERYONE
What's up.

JOHN
Where's Marcus?

ADAM
Oh yeah. When I got there his roommate
said he was sick and at the hospital.
Food poisoning.

CUT TO:

INT - HOSPITAL - MARCUS'S ROOM - DAY

Marcus lays in the bed of a two-person room. He looks
confused and anxious, as is par for the course.

The sliding curtain dividing the room is briskly swished
aside by a hand from the other side.

The gnarled hand belongs to an old decrepit man. Oxygen hoses
dangle from his nostrils.

OLD DECREPIT MAN
Give me your canteloupe.

MARCUS
Huh? I umm---

OLD DECREPIT MAN
Give it to me now! Before that bitch of a
nurse returns.

MARCUS
That's my aunt.
(beat)
Plus I kind of wanted it.

OLD DECREPIT MAN
Hurry.

Marcus reluctantly gets out of bed and joins the old man.

CUT BACK TO:

INT - FAZOLIS'S - DAY

BRIAN
No. No this is no good.

JOHN
Is he okay?

BRIAN
Well this won't work. He was the (old
english term) for the kiosk.

JAKE
-old english term-?

JOHN
A distraction. To help pull off this ream
flash pull.

BRIAN
(to John)
Great Train Robbery?

John nods his head giddily.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
Well it has to be done.

Brian gazes over at Adam, who has suddenly found great
interest in his food. The others focus on him as well.

ADAM
Not doing it. I'm no -mispronounced old
english term---

JOHN
-correct term-

ADAM
See, I can't even pronounce it. I told
you, I'm only there in case something
goes wrong.

BRIAN
Got to do it man.

JAKE
Come on, all you have to do is talk to
some rando for like a minute, minute and
a half.
(beat)
That's got nothing on what I'm up for.

ADAM
(beginning to give in)
But, I'm not good at things like that. I
don't want to mess it up for you all.

BRIAN
Either do we. But you are doing it
anyway...right?

ADAM
(defeated)
All right.

JAKE
Badass.

ADAM
What do I have to do exactly anyway?

BRIAN
(to John)
Bring the plan?

JOHN
Oh yea.

After fishing around in his pocket, John produces a neatly
constructed origami swan.

BRIAN
The [censored] is that?

ADAM
A duck.

FRAZIER
Swan. Nice one too.

JOHN
Thanks. No one suspects the swan.

John tugs on the tail and makes the head bob up and down; he
is quite entertained.

Brian snatches the swan and quickly unfolds it to reveal the
crudely drawn map of the mall from the library. John is
dejected at the loss of his creation.

--------------

cut note - fill this is

--------------

The five guys all sit at the table going over the map.

BRIAN
Seriously though can we pat attention for
a second--

A young, moderately cute worker interrupts offering...

BREADSTICK GIRL
--Breadstick?

Some accept, some decline; Adam asks for four.

She begins to walk away, but stops herself and tuerns back to
the table.

BREADSTICK GIRL (CONT'D)
(to Brian)
Hey has anyone ever told you that you
look like that new James Bond?

Brian smiles sheepishly and mumbles awkardly to his food

JOHN
Pierce Brosnan?!

BREADSTICK GIRL
Yeah him! Well I just tought I would say
you look like him.

She leaves as the guys at the table laugh.

A group of middle-aged painters at the adjacent table
overheard the entire exchange.

One of them turns to the table.

DIRTY PAINTER
You know you do kind of look like him
buddy.

DIRTIER PAINTER
Fricken James Bond over here.
(begins to mimic the 007 theme)
Dun-da-da-dun-dun-dun.....

The dirty painters erupt in laughter with Brian's table
joining in.

As the laughter subsides, Brian focuses the attention back to
the map.

BRIAN
(in a wretched Sean Connery
impersonation)
---james bond quote----

JOHN
Wait a minute. That was from ---bond
movie--. Not a Brosnan film. Not even
connery, asshat.

ADAM
And your Connerty was just awful.

BRIAN
Top it then monkey.

Adam pauses, cocks his eyebrow for effect.

ADAM
(in an impeccable Connery)
Welcome to the Rock.

The performance floors everyone.

BRIAN
A point to you good sir.
(beat)
Can we finally get back to the [censored]
plans? Okay.

The crudely drawn map is folded out on the table.

Everyone is looking down, focused on it, as the scene fades
from the illustrated rendition of mall to the real thing,
matching as well as possible

CUT TO:

INT - MALL HALLWAY - DAY

Shoppers everywhere walk by the Victoria Secret. In the
window sits the enormous beautiful poster.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
Basically everyone is just going to get
into position...

EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

The expansive lot outside the mall is packed. A white
security truck with green flashing lights drives by.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
..I call Frazier to tell him we are ready
and in the clear. When the outside is
clear he will call me back. That is when
I signal Jake to go in...
</pre><hr />

[oy the bumbler]

<font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre>
INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY

Panties everywhere. Enough to make any poor kid unlucky
enough to be dragged in by his mom uncomfortable.

Halfway through the store the small first checkout station is
being staffed by an attractive young woman. In the back, more
women are doing their job behind the main counter.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
As soon as he is in there is no turning
back. About forty seconds later I'll
signal Adam to handle the kiosk...

INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK STORE - DAY

An old woman works the kiosk in the middle of the mall. It
sells random crap including candy, newspapers, and University
of Ohio clothing.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
The second Adam starts on her me and John
will head in, take her down, and be on
our way.

INT - MALL HALLWAY - EMERGENCY EXIT DOORS.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
We head out the emergency exit corridor,
through her in the Blazer, and get the
hell out of there.

EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

The outside area on the other side of the emergency exit. It
is in a tiny inlet just off the main parking lot.

BRIAN
(V.O.)
And just like that...
(beat, then in the awful
Connery voice)
---bond line----

JAKE
(V.O.)
Still so awful.

A beat as we hold on the parking lot. The sunny blue sky
fades quickly to the deep purple of a Ohio dusk.

Frazier's black blazer pulls into the lot. It circles once
before finally turning into the inlet next to the exit.

Another car, a red Jeep, pulls into a regular spot on the
other side of the expansive lot. A yellow happy face air
freshener dangles from the rear view window.

The doors to the Jeep open as Brian, John, Adam, and Jake
step out. They are all dressed as inconspicuously as
possible, with no identifying markings on their clothes. Hats
are pulled low over Brian and John's heads.

And the heist begins.

INT - MALL HALLWAY - NIGHT

The group walk as coolly as possible towards the store. At
this late hour the shopping has thinned out a considerable
amount.

Brian and John take a seat at a bench in front of Victoria's
Secret. Adam and Jake do the same at another a bit further
down the hallway.

None of their faces show any hint of fun or confidence.

Brian removes his phone and dials.

BRIAN
(into phone)
In position. Are you ready?

CUT TO:

INT - FRAZIER'S BLAZER - NIGHT

Frazier sits calmly, wearing chromed out aviator glasses. He
looks down at a belt in the passenger seat.

FRAZIER
I'm good. But we aren't clear yet...
(beat)
I'll call the second you are.

Frazier looks out to where a white mall security truck is
stopped in the planned escape route.

FRAZIER (CONT'D)
(to himself)
The [censored] are you doing old man?

CUT TO:

INT - MALL SECURITY TRUCK - NIGHT

An enormous, mustached, dar as obsidian middle aged man sits
behind the driver seat. Hank Williams blares from the
speakers, which he enthusiastically sings along with.

In his hands lies an old red Etch-a-Sketch which has his
entire focus. On the screen? An incredibly drawn, yet
incomplete, self portrait. He laughs to himself.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT

Brian and John sit in silence with their heads down. Then:

JOHN
You realize this is an awful idea right?

BRIAN
Pretty much.

JOHN
Could just not go through with it.

BRIAN
Yeah...

Brian quickly reachers for his pocket as his cell phone
begins to vibrate.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Okay, be ready.
(to John)
We're clear.

John just shakes his head as Brian looks across the hall to
Adam and Jake. He can't help but smile as he runs his finger
down his nose and points to the store.

Jake smiles back, stands up, takes a deep breath, and heads
into the store.

Brian and John sit silently staring at their watches.
Suddenly Brian's hand shoots to his pocket and removes the
vibrating phone.

BRIAN (CONT'D)
(to John)
It's Jake. The heist is off.

Brian flips the phone open to listen to...

CUT TO:

INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT

Jake, standing all alone in the store, not a person in sight.

JAKE
(into phone)
The store is clear. Get in here. Now.

CUT BACK TO:

INT - MALL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Brian flips the phone closed. Turns to John as seriously as
possible and says...

BRIAN
Let's make the donuts.

And with that he signals Adam to the kiosk, and mouths the
word "Now". Adam gets up and heads to the Kiosk as Brian and
John head to the store.

CUT BACK TO:

INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT

Jake is still standing by himself, looking out the entrance
he sees Brian and John slip inside.

Suddenly two workers emerge from a back room. He rapidly
approaches the first one and begins a rabid tirade.

JAKE
(loud, almost unintellagable)
YOU! I have bought panties for my
girlfriend and you said they would fit
but when I put them on and they ripped
and I need a refund because they wer
stole and my receipt was in the pants
and...

He puts and arm behind her and begins to walk her towards the
back end of the store as he continues his rambling.

CUT TO:

INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - FRONT WINDOW -NIGHT

Brian has his hands on the bottom of the poster and is
lifting it in an attempt to get the wires to unhook from the
ceiling. John is anxiously waiting.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK - NIGHT

Adam is talking to the old woman in an effort to keep her
back to the store.

ADAM
Sooo... how are you doing in the weather?

CUT TO:

INT - FRAZIER'S BLAZER - NIGHT

Frazier patiently sits. A light-rock 80's hit plays on the
stereo. He sings along as his hands tap on the steering
wheel.

CUT TO:

INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - FRONT WINDOW - NIGHT

Brian has his hands grasping the bottom of the poster,
shaking the hell out of it in frustration. It won't unhook.

Through the window they see that Adam is still talking to the
old woman. From the back they can hear Jake ranting about the
hole not being large enough in his crotchless panties.

Success! The poster finally unhooks from the ceiling and
thugs against the glass window. John walks over and grabs the
other end.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL HALLWAY - KIOSK - NIGHT

The thud against the glass has caused the old woman to take a
slight notice she begins to turn around; Adam must stop her.

ADAM
(yelling)
Hey!

The woman turns around to Adam's anxious face. Adam looks
over and sees a little girl looking at the candy. He says the
first thing that pops into his head.

ADAM (CONT'D)
She is stealing candy!

The woman looks to the little girl who begins to cry.

Out of the corner of her she sees Brian and John making off
with the poster.

KIOSK GRANDMA
(nonchalantly)
What in the world...

She looks at Adam. Adam looks at her. A moment suspended in
time as the gears in Adam's head turn. They reach a
decision...

Adam runs, bolts actually, from the kiosk in the opposite
direction as Brian in John were moving.

ADAM
(yelling)
GO!!!

CUT TO:

INT - VICTORIA'S SECRET - NIGHT

JAKE
(still ranting)
So you see you cannot possibly expect me
to not be upset when others who...

He sees Adam sprinting off in the distance and hears his
panicked scream. Immediately he stops his whole act.

JAKE (CONT'D)
(in a perfectly even voice)
I'm sorry m'ladies but I believe I was
mistaken.

With this Jake drops the numerous pairs of panties in his
hands and takes off out of the store, sprinting in the same
direction as Adam.

Jake spills out into the...

MALL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He accidentally knocks over the little girl Adam accused of
stealing. As she hits the ground a large amount of candy
spills out from her pink Barbie purse.

As Jake heads off following Adam, we turn in the other
direction to where we find Brian and John heading to the
emergency exit.

Amazingly they are still calmly walking. Heads down, they
both start cracking up laughing as they reach the exit door.
They open it and enter the corridor.

INT - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

Narrow, barren walls that stretch for about 150 feet. John,
running in front, and Brian break into a full sprint the
second they enter. To their surprise a woman is in the
corridor leaving the mall.

JOHN
(yelling)
Clear out Grandma!

She freezes, as any old woman probably would at the sight of
two young men running wildly at them in a closed space would.

John narrowly dodges her. But Brian drops a shoulder and lays
her out like he dead bag of bones she is.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL - CHILDREN'S TOY STORE - NIGHT

It is peaceful. Light music plays as a few families browse
the merchandise.

Through the entrance, for those that notice, a body very much
like Adam's goes running by wildly. Just as those that notice
go back to their business, another body goes running by. This
one belonging to Jake.

CUT TO:

INT - MALL - FOOD COURT - NIGHT

Adam goes running by, struggling for breath, and bursts out
the main exit doors. Jake is on his heels.

CUT TO:

INT - EXIT CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Brian and John reach the end of the corridor and throw the
doors open to the outside.

EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Frazier stands there smiling with the trunk of the Blazer
open. As the exit shut, a security guard appears at the other
end running.

As Brian and John cram the poster in the Blazer, Frazier
takes the belt and ties the two double doors securely
together.

</pre><hr />

----
all tripe copywrited by oy the bumbla.

[absoludicrous]

Can I have my last 6 hours back please?

[pryor15]

i don't like it

[Dominic]

I read a few pages and will read the rest when I have time...but just a few quick notes on some screenwriting basics: (once I finish the whole thing I'll give you my two cents on the story itself)

1) Too much description. I understand this is meant to be read (I do it too) but we don't need the description to be great prose. Example:

The sky is overcast and it is evident that a large storm has just passed. A silver Ford Probe pulls into a parking space in front of the music store.

Nothing wrong with these first two sentences, but if the rest of the screenplay is like this I'm going to feel like I'm reading a book. And that's NOT what a reader or an exec or a director is going to want to do - he wants to be able to read this sucker in under 80 minutes. If he can't, it won't be finished. At least, not by the person you want to read it! Description in a screenplay needs to be basic and informative:

It's a cloudy day. A late model Ford pulls up in front of a music store.

Nothing great, but you get the same amount of information out in half the space. You get the idea.

3) No need to tell us what the characters are wearing unless it's integral to the story. "Basic rocker dude outfit" or "He looks like what he is - a surfer" will do. Trust me, the director and wardrobe mistress do not want to be told what characters are wearing.

Your dialogue is tending to stray into the "too much exposition territory," and that's just in the few pages I read...SHOW don't tell. Especially if you're having a character tell us what he's already doing or about to do.

Anyway...I just wanted to tell you what I could as I'm not sure when I'll be able to read thing...

Please take my free advice as what it is: totally worthless!

[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[private joker]

I echo what Dominic said. I was a script reader for Miramax and Showtime for over 4 years and read over 1,200 complete feature screenplays. 5-10% of them were pretty good, and the rest were not good. This would fall in the not-good category. It's incredibly amateurish, and even though it has good intentions and some amusing moments, it's simply bad screenwriting.

Sorry, but that's the way it is. Screenwriting is hard. That's why the good ones make so much money. I'd suggest reading a lot more published/filmed scripts from great movies to get a feel for how it's done.

[foureightsuited]

JOHN (beat)
Anyway, what are we (here?) for again?

BRIAN
I told you, I have to get a tuner and some picks. I probably should have just ordered everything when I got the guitar. Oh well.







I stopped reading here. This is a terrible approach to dialogue. Sure, that might be what you want to get across, but you dont have to spoonfeed it to everyone. Its like the actors turning to the camera when a scene starts and saying, "Welcome everyone, we are here today to do a little shopping. I will be here with my friend, he doesnt really know whats going on, but its ok, I will tell him, just like I will tell you everything that Im going to do and probably everything that I want to make sure you get it."

[Yoplait, BIMO]

lol

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
I echo what Dominic said. I was a script reader for Miramax and Showtime for over 4 years and read over 1,200 complete feature screenplays. 5-10% of them were pretty good, and the rest were not good. This would fall in the not-good category. It's incredibly amateurish, and even though it has good intentions and some amusing moments, it's simply bad screenwriting.

Sorry, but that's the way it is. Screenwriting is hard. That's why the good ones make so much money. I'd suggest reading a lot more published/filmed scripts from great movies to get a feel for how it's done.

[/ QUOTE ]

5-10%?? Really? I would think it'd be a lot less than that! I don't envy your olb job, though...reading bad screenplay after bad screenplay must really suck. And coverage blows. As a screenwriter, I've always hated it...but realize the need for it.