The Mental Game - Dealing with variance

[The_Bowler]

Hullo all,

I must tell you I might not be cut out for this poker thing. I have played since 1980 on and off for extended periods since college. I hated the variance in Blackjack as a counter and the "grind" trying to eek out with a small edge as a counter. Looking for better odds, I threw myself into poker.
I wasn't a winning player for a while as I learned, but with practice and relentless study of my results and histories have become a lifetime winning player.
As 1997 comes to a close this year has been by no means a bad one. Across all cash games I played 208 sessions so far and have 128 Winning sessions for a (61.54%) winning ratio and positive gain of $4,353. I am not a pro player just someone who loved to play and enjoyed the extra cash that it brought in.
I have enjoyed some success in tournaments as well, am a winning sit-n-go player online and have won a seat in the WPT before with a 10K prize package. I have not re-loaded any of my online accounts beyond an initial buy in in the last 6 years.
As you can see, my results are not bad at all. I have no reason to quit this game. Some of you probably think I am crazy, and frankly I think I am pretty F'Ked in the head too...My problem is this, the reason I quit blackjack , the reason I feel [censored] right now, is just :

[img]/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img] I hate, I mean I really HATE losing sessions

I try to look at my long term results, study my plays and relentlessly examine my game to detect leaks all because I hate to lose. I try to tell myself that "the goal in poker is to make good decisions" and the results are just variance. Make good decisions and let the results work themselves out over the long haul. No matter how many times I try to remind myself of these truths I get bummed when I have a negative down.
I consider myself a nice guy and am never a jerk at the table, all my hatred and stuff is turned inward when things go wrong. It doesn't take two in a row or three down sessions to get me this way, no - just ONE.
I have played two 10 hour sessions so far this weekend, one Friday night, and one last night. Friday nights session was a reasonable one where I finished up $290. Last night, nothing went right, I flopped two pair twice and got run down once by a straight and once by a flush, I had two flopped sets run down. Made one squeeze play that didn't work out and the net result from last night is gave most of Friday nights gains back down -260 for twenty hours of play over two days net $30 to the good.
So here we are, Hero is all bummed out and doesn't know if he even wants to go down to play today. His karma is in the dumper after the loss last night. He tells himself, "shake it off" "get back up on that horse that threw ya" but to no avail - Hero feels like crap! It is so stupid, what does Hero think? Should he win every time he plays? Thats crazy,. He knows he shouldn't win every time, but that is no comfort. He is mentally flawed, hates to lose at ALL.

Don't know if I can get by this mental problem...This could be the down fall of our Hero, he's smart, he won't tilt off cause he hates to lose. He'll just pick it up and book a loss, hates the bad karma of losing.
It has been said that to be a good poker player one must have a certain disregard for money to play well. I use sound bankroll management so I am not playing with scared money, I am not afraid to "put it in" when it is called for. I just hate this thing about having a losing session.
I hope I can get a more healthy way of looking at this thing and convince myself to IGNORE the results focus on making good plays. I just don't know if I am going to get there, mentally. I think I have the worst of it in that regard...
So that's it, my cry into the wilderness for hope and perhaps the wisdom of others who might have dealt with this same flaw in their mental game. [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

Thanks for listening, just talking about it has been helpful

If you have been here (in this mental state) and have "made it out" to a better place where you just ignore the results and judge yourself on the merits of your play, do tell..

Hero needs your help, thanks ...

The_Bowler