Are relationships and marriage all the rage?

[The X-Factor]

I've recently come to another crossroads in my life where I have decided I am no longer going to be the guy who goes out and picks up women. I want to be the guy who finds the right girl and try and start a relationship. I have said this sort of thing before but now I am more serious than ever after my actions the other night.

What actions you ask? Well I was recently involved with an older woman and she happened to be married and it was more of a booty call thing and finally I just said I couldnt do it anymore. Its not right and I am gaining nothing from this. I told her that she needed to figure out what she wanted because obviously something is missing at home and I am not going to be there like I was before and I needed to do my own thing.

My problem with relationships stims on how when I was in college and I got engaged and I left her after she cheated on me after we had be together for 3 years. Ever since I have had no faith in women or trust for that matter. I cant seem to get by this and I know its something I have to get over to move on and start this next chapter. Another problem I have is that I am way too picky when it comes to the girls I choose and I tell everyone that tells me that, that yeah I am gonna be that way because I am not going to settle. The last part that seems to bother me is when you start talking to someone or even seeing them on a regualr basis and they say stuff like I miss you or something like that it kinda freaks me out and I dont really believe them when they tell me that.

I guess my real question to the lounge is: What and why do you think people think so highly of having a relationship and is marriage really worth it?

Thanks for taking the time to let me vent a little bit and reading this and for any advice you may have to offer.

X

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
I've recently come to another crossroads in my life where I have decided I am no longer going to be the guy who goes out and picks up women. I want to be the guy who finds the right girl and try and start a relationship. I have said this sort of thing before but now I am more serious than ever after my actions the other night.



[/ QUOTE ]

X-Factor,

Interesting post. I was thinking of doing a relationship one myself but yours is good so I'll add my 2 cents.

First, sometimes I think you set yourself up to be unhappy or bitter. If you want a real relationship, why chase after married women? If you say you weren't chasing after her, that you just wanted some booty, well ok I guess I believe that, but do you see what you did? You took a booty call and started to make it into a judgment call on women in general, and their moral character, and now you don't "trust" women. And that's sort of understandable. If I were to carry on an affair with a married guy who was lying and sneakin around his wife's back, I'd probably start to wonder about guys and conclude that ALL guys were capable of this behavior. And that would be my own damn fault cuz I would have done it to myself. So stop doing that to yourself.

I often doubt the whole marriage thing. It seems pretty pointless and wrought with difficulty and unmet expectations. Hell, in the past 2 years I've met so many unhappy married people that it's ridiculous. Men and women are bored or disgusted with their mates. Some are just flat out exhausted.

An entire life with one person? yikes. I'm very cynical about the entire thing. Relationships, on the other hand, are very sweet and definitely worth the trouble.

[The X-Factor]

Thanks Katy. I see your point about the married woman situation. I guess relationships are so much easier because when you think of marriage its like you are supposed to be this whole different person but in a relationship you dont have so much pressure on you to do certain things. I guess thats why we should take these things slow and wait a while before we pop the question and rush into the rest of our lives.

[Blarg]

It's an individual question so you can't get an answer applicable to everyone. Unfortunately, that doesn't make your life as an individual any easier.

Agree with your response to Katy that rushing into things is never good. There's always a strong temptation to do what is expected in society and gains the approval of peers and family. Even in work, many jobs go easier if you are married, because it can give you more in common with your bosses and make you seem more responsible and stable.

But doing something you're not ready for, and taking on burdens you don't particularly want to, isn't all that stable. Considering the potentially very emotionally and financially costly implications, getting married should be taken more seriously than a lot of people take it. I'm rarely surprised when I see people getting divorced, because I don't meet that many people who seem like they are firing on all cylinders and are really balanced and content within themselves, much less ready to deal with the problems of a serious relationship once the first bloom of infatuation has gone. Far more often, I wonder why people marry than why they divorce.

Hopefully you get honest enough over time about what your real values are and what you want out of life, and are willing to give and give up to get that, so that marriage becomes at least a possibility worth considering. It would be a shame never to achieve the emotional maturity and self-knowledge that makes marriage a serious option. But it would be a shame if major life decisions were made without that knowledge, just out of habituation to someone, or loneliness, or duty, conformity, or even something so otherwise commendable as optimism. That wouldn't be fair to you or your partner.

I think you have to find and develop yourself first, rather than get together with someone in the hopes that they will make you happy or help develop you into the adult you want to be. Otherwise, marriage can be used as a retreat from fear of the world instead of a positive interaction with it. You may have a relationship that lasts because of fear, but it's not the type you can expect to give you a fair share of joy.

[knowledgeORbust]

[ QUOTE ]
What and why do you think people think so highly of having a relationship and is marriage really worth it?

[/ QUOTE ]

It mostly comes down to how much you want to settle. Some people are much more comfortable that way: maintaining one strong, major relationship and some other smaller ones. And if you're young (still spry) and outgoing, the other way might have more freedom. Travel, sports, clubs, working at different places with all kinds of projects going on - or maybe just partying a lot. But it all comes down to how much you want to settle. Some guys are wild-party animals, all over the place, but one day just meet the girl and it's over; there's no question and they just want to settle down a bit.

I have borderline-no relationships in my life. It is not fulfilling.

[tarheeljks]

[ QUOTE ]
I often doubt the whole marriage thing. It seems pretty pointless and wrought with difficulty and unmet expectations. Hell, in the past 2 years I've met so many unhappy married people that it's ridiculous. Men and women are bored or disgusted with their mates. Some are just flat out exhausted.

An entire life with one person? yikes. I'm very cynical about the entire thing. Relationships, on the other hand, are very sweet and definitely worth the trouble.

[/ QUOTE ]

i think the majority of the time unhappy marriages/divorces are the result of people underestimating the level of commitment necessary to have a strong marital relationship. perhaps sometimes it may not have been meant to be, but imo it's more likely that at least one partner entered into the marriage for the wrong reason. when i stop and think about the numerous times i've heard girls talking about "when i get married" or "when i have kids" it is easy to see why so many marriages fail. too many people commit themselves to the institution instead of their partner, which is a failure of the parties involved, not the ideal.

edit: just to clarify my comment about women talking about marriage wasn't intended to suggest that they are generally at fault when marriages fail. just an example.

[Blarg]

Well said.

[entertainme]

True love isn't romance and roses. It's taking care of sick kids, paying the bills, making a trip to the store for coffee when you don't want to and don't drink it yourself, but your partner does.

This is also the key to infidelity. People are more in love with the illusions that come with infatuation than they are with the realities of love and commitment.

[tuq]

[ QUOTE ]
If I were to carry on an affair with a married guy who was lying and sneakin around his wife's back, I'd probably start to wonder about guys and conclude that ALL guys were capable of this behavior. And that would be my own damn fault cuz I would have done it to myself.

[/ QUOTE ]
Heh, I was in an LTR with a girl once who projected that upon me. She knew of two friends of mine who were sleeping around - one who was banging a friend of hers on the side while he was also in a relationship with another (this was an overreaction as they weren't that serious and it may not have even been an infraction) and another where he asked me to tell my girlfriend that he slept with a girl to head off a situation where his girlfriend grilled mine about where he was on a certain night.

So she freaked out and started going through my stuff one time when I wasn't around. When confronted she said I thought I was cheating on her because of the types of friends I had. Oh, and what is this box of condoms I found?, she asked. Dummy, they're for when we have sex because you're too paranoid to have it bareback even though you're on the pill.

So, yeah...

[tuq]

[ QUOTE ]
I often doubt the whole marriage thing. It seems pretty pointless and wrought with difficulty and unmet expectations. Hell, in the past 2 years I've met so many unhappy married people that it's ridiculous. Men and women are bored or disgusted with their mates. Some are just flat out exhausted.

[/ QUOTE ]
A friend an ex co-worker of mine is going through a divorce with the woman he's dated or been married to for 10+ years, basically since college. He found out she was sleeping with the tennis pro of the country club at which they belong, and also that the pro gave her an STD. They have two young kids. Sweet.

When lamenting what a horrible bitch she was to a mutual friend of ours at lunch one day, my friend - recently divorced himself - said it takes two to tango and from what he heard she said he drank too much and was emotionally vacant, so she strayed. This made me appreciate the complexity of the situation - he DID probably drink too much from what I saw, he always made me make a beer run on Fridays at about 2PM for our small office and would get absolutely loaded when he could, and he really was hard to connect with on any sort of real level. You could go to lunch with him and he'd just sit there and stare straight ahead. It's like we were an 80-year-old couple. So I can see the genesis of how this marriage fell apart, and that his lack of contribution to the relationship was likely the reason for the infidelity. Messy.