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Old 08-02-2007, 07:17 AM
marchron marchron is offline
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I will put all my reports in this thread. Part 1:


Okay guys, sorry for the overhype of Four Winds Casino to you all, the munificent citizens of Microville. I hope that through excellent storytelling, numerous beats, and repeated making fun of DavidC, I can placate you. (Introduction completely and shamelessly stolen almost word-for-word from the Laureate himself.) (And no, DavidC isn't coming (I assume), but does it really matter?)

(Note: Seriously TL;DR long. Sorry 'bout that.)

For the past few months, Four Winds Casino Resort has listed their opening time at exactly high noon on Thursday, August 2 in the year of our Lord 2007 (but they're Indians, so do they really go by our references to time?) (Oh, and by "Indians," I mean "Native Americans.") In fact, if you happen to read this before 12 PM EDT on 8/2, you can see the countdown clock on their website, and it's still ticking. But for the last few weeks there's been whispers and tips on the down-low that they were really going to open sometime on Wednesday, August 1.

So one of the questions I asked all of the main switchboard operators when I was trying to find out more about the room was whether or not they were really opening at noon on August 2 or the night of August 1. They all assured me that no, we're opening on August 2, at noon, be there or be square. The fact that they had no idea about any of the rest of my questions about their poker room should have been a tipoff; if they don't know anything about poker, why would they know squat about when they're really opening? But I trusted them.

I run bad at coinflips.

When radio stations began offering passes to their black-tie sneak-peek on the night of August 1, I called them and asked again: no, they said, we promise those sneak-peeks are only a tour, and there will be no gaming until noon on August 2. That should have been another tipoff: they were trying to tell me that their casino was honestly going to let a bunch of people come in, many of whom have paid black-tie prices to be there, all the while forbidding them from sitting down and losing their money. O RLY? (I didn't win, because I run bad at radio call-in contests.)

Even the past few days, I kept hearing hushed tones that they were opening tonight, even from people who have absolutely no interest in gambling. McDonald's signs said "BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED, AND 4 WINDS OPENS AUGUST 1." Homeless guys in my janky-ass neighborhood would squeegee my windows and say "Here, lemme wash those for ya, and by the way dat new casino is opening Wednesday." Nigerian 419'ers sent spam to my e-mail address that read, "Hello I am Mr Idi Notascammer, your relative Mr April Ron has died and left you, his sole surviving heir, $20,000,000 American dollars in our bank, and also please note that Four Winds Casino in New Buffalo, Michigan is really opening August 1, not August 2."

I got sick of it, so when I came home from my night job (it's not a "day job," because I run bad at careers) and called (866) 4WINDS-1 again at around 10:30 and asked them, are you really opening tonight, or tomorrow at noon? The operator, I think Amanda was her name, promised me that no donks would play bad and get there, no bets would be check/raised, no chedda would be shipped, until 12 noon August 2. Whew, that settles it. I mean, come on, if they were already open, they'd tell me, right?

So I sit down at my computer, and there's an away message from my Tru Hoosier Homie 4 Lyfe Buzz-cp, with a link to a bulletin board about card clubs, with a thread for poker rooms in and around Chicago. Okay, what am I looking at here . . . Aurora, Joliet, East Chicago, Gary, oh hey the Horseshoe in Hammond will finally have poker next year, Michigan City, yadda yadda yadda, then I get to this post:

Four Winds Casino............... New Buffalo, MI ...............19 Tables

Poker Room will open August 2, 2007 at Midnight (FWC will open the doors at 10pm Wednesday night)

Poker room will have all electronic poker tables.

[/ QUOTE ]
God damn it. They have to have been told this by somebody. Who in the bloody blue hell let this [censored] slip, and why the [censored] didn't they tell me? I've asked this like 157 times. What is this, a [censored] conspiracy? Was there an inter-office memo distributed that looked like this:

To: Main Switchboard Operators
From: Poker Room Manager
Re: Secret Opening

Tell everyone we're opening at midnight, except for that fat schlubby douchebag from South Bend who keeps calling us and then made fun of us for having only 19 tables that are all electronic. Seriously, eff that c-sucker right in his a-hole, amirite?

CC 7/17

So I call one more time, get another main switchboard operator, told them I read on the Intertubes that they were opening at midnight, and come on, everything on the Internet is true LDO, so 'fess up, dammit. "Yeah, the poker room is open at midnight. Didn't anybody tell you?" WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF SON OF A GODDAMN BITCH HYACHACHACHACH (breath) HYACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHACH JAYZUZ RAPTOR CHRIST [CENSORED] DONKEY-ASS DIP [CENSORED] MOTHER [CENSOOOORRRRRREEEEDDDD]S!!!

The clock says 10:45. Google Maps says 52 minutes to get there. That leaves me 23 minutes to take a shower, since it was 94 today and I'm sure I smell like a bag of buttholes and most of the crowd there are black-tie, find my "Whassup Bro?" hat with my PPA pin and my lucky WSOP refrigerator magnet/card protector, and hit an ATM and stop for gas on the way in.

No problem. Google Maps always overrates it, anyway.

I bolt into the shower, probably squirted Colgate into my hair and brushed my teeth with shampoo, did a half-ass dry-off, hit myself with a double shot of Degree Antiperspirant and TAG Lucky Day in case I didn't do a good enough job of scrubbing off all my fat-guy funk, threw on a pair of khakis and a button-down shirt, jumped in my car and peeled out of the driveway and out toward the West Siiiide.

About six blocks from my house is a roundabout. No offense if you actually like these quaint little intersections, but talk to someone in Boston or D.C. and you'll know how much they suck. They're popping up all over this city like mushrooms, and I can't [censored] stand them. It's like somebody said hey, wouldn't a 4-way stop, an idea that's been around since probably the horse-and-buggy days, wouldn't that be so much better if we made it a circle where nobody stops? And everyone else ate those mushrooms and said yeah, man, groovy, and so there's a roundabout in the middle of my run-down 'hood. I reach the roundabout and nearly hit someone who went the wrong way!? (lol?) Driving on the right side of the road = you go counterclockwise, morans, LDO. Now, I only have to go through this intersection, not turn, and I'm about 98.4% of the way through the half-circle before I realize, d'oh, I forgot my lucky WSOP refrigerator magnet/card protector. This is a disaster because ZOMG HOW IS ANYBODY GOING TO KNOW THAT STRAIGHT-UP BALLA IS THE WAY I ARE WITHOUT MY LUCKY WORLD SERIES OF POKER REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SLASH CARD PROTECTOR AMIRITE? So I swing through that part and get about 98.4% of the way through the full circle on my way back to my house when I realize . . . electronic tables. No cards = no need for a card protector, moran, LDO. So I swing through that part, doing a 540 in the middle of this intersection, with homeless crack addicts looking on in slack-jawed amazement at the quality of the junk I must be on, and haul balls westward.

ATM, no problem, I can do that blindfolded ('cause there's Braille on the buttons, don't know why, but they're there), but I can only withdraw $100 maximum because I run bad at banking. Hit the last gas station still open on this end of town, PREPAY?? HYACHACHACHACH, run in, throw $7 at the Indian dude (and by "Indian dude" I mean "dude from India") standing behind the four-inch thick bulletproof glass, run back, pump in $7.03, and continue burning rubber. Yeah, I ripped you off three cents. Bite me, Apu, I've got somewhere to be.

I reach the entrance to Four Winds at 11:49. I say "entrance" because there's a canope and big searchlights and a steady stream of cars coming out, but I can't see the actual casino, which is as big as three major airports, or half of a Super Wal-Mart, take your pick. Evidently, we can't just have people pull right off the road and into the parking garage; that would be too easy. It would be much, much better if everyone had to take a mile-plus-long winding road here. Hey, it's a tribal casino, maybe this is a vision quest, only less peyote. The speed limit's 25 and I'm doing 60, all the way up to a line of people admiring the scenery and doing 23 HYACHACHACHACH MOVE OUT OF MY WAY YOU DRIVING NITS ARE YOU CANADIAN OR SOMETHING? NICE DECKALS NOW [CENSORED] OFF, EH?

I pull into the closest parking space to the casino I could find, one marked for compact cars. Oh well, it's a '96 Taurus (purchased it with 80% of my 'roll last year because I run bad at car-buying), which isn't compact, but it's not an SUV, and there's already dents in the doors, so [censored] it. I squeeze out of my car, jog toward the casino entrance while buttoning up my shirt, and when I step through the door I'm as cool as Ocean's [censored] Eleven. I glide toward the poker room, reveling in my ballaness so much it's a wonder I wasn't c-walking, take two steps inside and . . . they're already playing. Sigh. This electronic-table [censored] didn't thrill me, so the only reason I wanted to be here was to say I was here when it opened, and I drove with reckless disregard for the safety of myself and my crappy-ass car to make it on time and I blew it. [censored].

Oh well. Might as well stay a while. "Are you a W-Club member?" the hostess asked. No, sugartits, I just got here, and I hope no Bush-haters get pissed off at the name of your rewards club. They take entirely too long putting in the info off my ID, I mean weren't you guys trained? And even if not, you put my name and address where it says "Name" and "Address," amirite? They ask me if I have a preferred nickname, I say "Mike," and try to hand them the $100 I pulled from my ATM to put on this card so I can play their wonderful electronic poker. "No, that's at that counter over there." Hmm, okay, two seperate systems for this, whatever. There's two lines, and since I run bad at coinflips, I pick the wrong one. The douchebag in front of me invites his douchebag friend to cut in line, Douchebag #1 successfully loads his card, but the computer freezes in the middle of Douchebag #2's deposit. LOL bluescreenofdeathaments. Meh, could be worse, if they didn't cut in line, that would have been me stuck there, and I'm already pushing the point of no return on my lifetilt-o-meter.

While I'm waiting, another hostess tells me to find her when I'm ready to sit. Evidently, with 10 flat-screen TVs on the walls, 10 flat-screen monitors in every table, and a bazillion flat-screen displays on the slots, the roulette wheels, the craps tables, the buffet, the bathrooms, etc., they decide that they don't need one to sort out the waiting list. No, HERE shall be where we have person-to-person service! Sigh. I deposit the $100 on my card, find the hostess and she sits me at 3/6 limit, the true balla's game for grindin', word to your mother. There's only four people seated, and three mostly-full tables elsewhere, can't you put me there? No, those are all 1/2 no-limit, and the heads-up tables are for $100 no-limit sit-n-go's. WTF HU tables, but no 6-max? I thought we were appealing to the tech-savvy online players here? Jesus.

I can already tell the lone 3/6 limit table is a [censored] party. The two guys on my right are older than dirt, and the two guys on my left are jonesin' for a smoke pretty bad. We recognize our own. I'll give a full description of the table later, but I put in my card and selected $100 as my buy-in, and saw "Mike, $100" as well as the names and bankrolls of the rest of the players. So that's what they needed my nickname for. I wish they'd've told me, I would have picked something cooler than just "Mike." Maybe my online handle, "SaylorMarsh," or "Irish Mike" or "SamLJackson" or "SIIHP" or something.

The hand being played ends, and I get cards in the UTG position without having to post. W00t, unexpected bonus! I cup my hand around the part of my display where they show up, face-down, and when I set my hand on the touch-screen the corners of the cards peel up to show me K[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] J[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]. The smokers are bitching because they didn't hit the sit-out button before being dealt in, so I figure they're folding almost anything. KJ suited on, essentially, the button? RAAAISEITUP! One of the smokers coldcalls (meh, there went that plan), BB calls and we're headed to the flop. K-high, two blanks. Check, bet, call, call. Turn blank, check, bet, call, call. River is a superblank, check, bet, fold, fold. Ship the electronic chedda this way plz.

Next hand, the smokers bolt and I figure out why they couldn't sit out in time last hand; instead of being a one-step process like it is online, it involves a menu option and like four buttons and nuking Iran and it's a big hassle, so I can't sit out in time because I don't feel like playing super-shorthanded, even against two old dudes. So I post the $3 big blind, Old Dude #1 folds, Old Dude #2 limps his SB, I look down to see KT[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] and pop him just for kicks. He calls, flop 10-high one [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img], check, bet, call. Turn is 6[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] and he donks. Meh, I call. River is Brick City and he bets again. OK, you got me, I call, just to see what a showdown looks like on this here newfangled gizmo. His cards pop up: J6o. MHIG. Booyah, bring them e-chips to my e-stack, thank you e-dealer. Two hands, $44 profit, sustainable fo sho.

The table breaks and over a cigarette, I decide whether or not to play 1/2 NL. My results at NL ring haven't really been anything to e-mail home about. Meh, I didn't drive 40 minutes to play for 10. I'm sittin'. As I stub out my smoke, I swear I see one of the dudes from "The Sopranos" walk by me. You know, that one guy. The Goombah. He got whacked. Okay, I never watched the show, 'cause I run bad at TV, but I've seen him on other shows like VH1's "I Loved Last Week" or whatever it is and I know he was on "The Sopranos." Meh, screw it, probably wasn't him, anyway, where's my seat?

I look around at the rest of the table's bankrolls. The 1/2 NL game has a $50 minimum buy-in and a $200 max. I have $144. I don't feel like risking it all, and only three players have $200 or thereabouts in front of them. One, two to my left, is a big fat guy, and when I'm calling someone fat, then they're [censored] fat, yo. One of the smokers, seated two to the left of Fat Guy, also bought in for the max, as did his buddy the other Smoker, across the table from me. The one Old Dude I didn't play at the limit table is on my immediate left; he and everyone else have no more than $50. Okay, I'll buy in for exactly $72. Half my 'roll, and I'm really only risking $28. I can do this; I may not own Professional No-Limit, but I've read Theory & Practice, and I understood it more than stox's book. Let's go, bitches.

Once again, I log in just after the start of a hand, and it featured 73 limpers and no postflop betting. Pocket sixes take it down. Piece of cake. Bring the e-wheelbarrow for all the e-gouda I'll be movin'. Next hand, I'm in without posting again, and the guy on my right pops it to $7. He looks like Hector Salazar from Season 3 of "24," only younger and thinner. I see pocket sevens and coldcall, expecting the rest of the table to do likewise. They all fold. Eff. Flop AK3, and Hector leads. Double eff. One hand and I've already donked off 10% of my stack. This is going well.

I later learn Hector does not necessarily need cards to raise. A few hands later, he doubles through Smoker #1 when the 43o OESD he semibluffed on the turn gets there to beat Smoker #1's TPTK. Next hand, Smoker #1 raises preflop to $10. One of the line-cutting douchebags minraises to $20, leaving about $40 behind. I curse and fold 87[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] from the big blind. Hector and the guy on his right both looked like they wanted to play, so I might have come along getting 7-1. Smoker shoves, Douchebag calls. Smoker has AQ[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] vs. Douchebag's red AA. I tell the table I had 87[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] and watch as the flop comes J88. Damn, I'm a moran, I'm an eediot, the turn and river come 9-10 to give Smoker the winning Queen-high straight. I'm a genius! The usual "Man, I hate Aces" comments abound, and Fat Guy boasts of cracking Scottie Pippen's AA earlier. Scottie [censored] Pippen? Are you kidding me? When was this? "Oh, 'bout 10:30 or so," Fat Guy says. They were open at 10:30? "Yeah, they were open even earlier than that." [censored], I busted my ass for nothing then. Looks like Four Winds leveled everybody. "Yeah, there were a few celebrities here. There was a guy from 'The Sopranos' here earlier." [censored], it was him. Oh well, still didn't know his name.

Douchebag leaves, someone else sits down with the minimum $50. An orbit goes by, and when I'm UTG I find AQ[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img] and pop it to $7. Now the coldcalls come and New Guy raises to $25, leaving less than that behind. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I sense he's making a move, so I shove for $60-ish. Coldcallers fold, New Guy is stuck and calls off his stack with A9[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]. Q[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] comes on the flop, and I chant "noninenoclub, noninenoclub, noninenoclub," which I don't know why, because usually I hate that. Meh, I didn't make a brilliant read to get stacked by a bad beat. A non-9, non-[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] turns, and I announce somewhat confidently that I'm pretty sure New Guy is drawing dead. "Yeah, he is," someone else at the table says, "look," and he points to the large display in the center of the table, where next to our hands there's the frickin' percentages for our hands. Duhhhh. Real-time updates on hand favorites in an all-in situation. Another unexpected bonus. Three cheers for electronic poker.

A few hands go by, and Smoker #2 raises to $7 from EP. Hector and the guy on his left are in, and I have AJo. Meh, potentially dominated hand . . . meh, two dummies in. I'm callin' that [censored]. Couple other calls and the flop is Ax J[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] 7[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]. Smoker #2 bets $10, dummies fold, I pop it to $25, folds, Smoker #2 calls. Turn is K of blanks, he checks. AK is now reverse-reverse-dominating me, so I puss out and check behind. River Q, no flush, but any 10 makes a straight. Smoker #2 checks, I fear a check/raise for some reason even though it's a ridiculously easy bet/fold, so I check behind and show AJo, his cards go into the muck and he chuckles at how weakly I played it. Meh, suck it, jerkoff, what could you have called with, anyway? I run through the menu options to find the last-hand feature, and it doesn't show his mucked cards. [censored]. Unexpected bogus.

Table works around so I'm in EP again, and Hector makes it $10 after again doubling up with 43, this time making a runner-runner wheel against Fat Guy's flopped (and slowplayed) top two. I call next to act with AQ[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] and once again the table fears Hector even though he's been raising with schmutz. Flop all lowballs, two [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]s, he c-bets for $17 and I smooth-call. Turn pairs one of the [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]s so it doesn't help, he bets $17 again and again I call. River 9[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] and he e-slides a bet out of $36. Hmm. I run through all the ways he could have boated up (97, 99, 75 for the house on the turn, etc.) and catch MUBS again and call. He has 66 for sevens-up and MHIG. Shiiiiiip.

Next hand, I have A6[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] UTG and limp. The whole table comes in. Hector plays like he's going to raise us all from the BB, but checks with a smirk. Flop A66 two-suited and sirens are going off in my head. I lead for $5 just to juice the pot and get a few calls. Turn is a 7, I bet $10 and Smoker #2 makes it $25. Aha, found a 7, did we? Everyone else folds and I smooth-call to check/raise him all-in on the river. River is a 7 and I [censored] myself. I check, he bets $50, and I go into the tank. If he has a 6, it may be A6 for a chop. Something like 86s or 65s I beat, but if he has 76s I'm [censored]. In fact, any 7x and I'm [censored]. He has me covered. I wimp out and call. He has K6o, w00t, deliver dat Velveeta por favor. He gets mad at me WTFLOL? "Why the hell didn't you put me all-in?" I don't know, 'cause I'm a wuss who gets weak/tight in NL ring because for some reason I can take a gradual $200 loss in limit or not cashing in a $200 tourney but can't bear the thought of losing $200 in one hand? What do you want me to say? "Sorry for not stacking your ass, dude"? Hector chimes in because I played it safe against him, too, not raising him with an Ace-high flush. I think I'm tilting because they're right, of course, but seriously, who berates someone for not beating them worse? I've never seen some poor schmuck pick his mangled ass up after a barfight and taunt his foe for not knocking out all his teeth. I opt out of posting my BB and walk, having turned $72 into $281 and leaving the whole table mad for all the wrong reasons.

Meh. At least I run good at cards.

On the way home my sad-sack P.O.S. car decided it was going to do some weird shimmy thing. I made it home, but how will I do on for the official opening of Day 1? Will I even be able to make it to Day 1?

Stay tuned for further updates.

Oh, and DavidC is a nit, and bbbbbbbbbbushu will be by any minute now to condense this into something less tl;dr. Holla!
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:06 AM
JavaNut JavaNut is offline
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Permanent downswing
Posts: 471

ntl;dr as in not that long did read and enjoyed. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

These electronic tables, how do you fiddle with your cards as to signal that you consider mucking them to trick people into bluffing? Is there a button for that or is it in one of the menues?
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:22 AM
CrMenace CrMenace is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Chicago Midway airport
Posts: 1,243

Great report - thread delivers!

You live 52 mins east of New Buffalo? South bend?
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:39 AM
Hielko Hielko is offline
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Posts: 1,468

You write well, but you play bad [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img].
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Old 08-02-2007, 09:03 AM
Bona Bona is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Playing with chips\'n stuff
Posts: 1,504

Great read. Still laughing.

Serious question. Do elctronic tables eliminate the toking costs of live play? Is the rake the same as a traditional table?

EDITED TO ADD MORE QUESTIONS: More hands per hour than table with dealer but fewer than on line? Your over all rating of the experience vs on line and vs chips'nfelt?
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Old 08-02-2007, 09:14 AM
shuinthehouse shuinthehouse is offline
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LOL, great TR!
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:04 AM
NIX NIX is offline
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Haha, awesome job march. You don't happen to have a picture of these electronic tables do you?
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:38 AM
Wetdog Wetdog is offline
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Location: Downswing? No, playing bad. No, I\'m sure its just a downswing.
Posts: 1,894

Next hand, I have A6 UTG and limp. The whole table comes in. Hector plays like he's going to raise us all from the BB, but checks with a smirk. Flop A66 two-suited and sirens are going off in my head.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wnat? No show tunes? Star spangled banner?

Great TR with a nice touch of cranky. I believe you have the makings of a great Omaha player if you apply yourself.
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:53 AM
MrWookie MrWookie is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Treating my drinking problem
Posts: 17,411

You write well, but you play bad [img]/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img].

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed, at least for NL. Time to swing by my new Limit-->NL forum to get better for next time.
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Old 08-02-2007, 11:03 AM
Fantam Fantam is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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Posts: 2,575

Great report ! [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

and the clock is still counting down to the official opening, in just under an hour as at this posting ! [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
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