My massive psychology post. My life seems to be at a fork.

[PITTM]

This will probably be the longest post i have ever made on this board. I intend to be entirely honest as i believe this is the only way i can get the exact feedback that I want.

There are four main points I want to address and I will give background for all of them.
I) My Drug Use
II) My Poker Playing
III) My Emotions
IV) Relationships
V) Where now?

I. For the first 21 years of my life, i was completely straight edge. I never took a sip of alcohol or smoked anything. I went away to college, made an aim name that had an x in it, hung out with kids who listened to punk/hardcore music. My freshman year of college was spent at the University of California-Santa Barbara. This was one of the worst years of my life, i felt completely alone and like i was the only person on the planet who didnt want to drink until vomit. After this year, I transferred home to UC-Santa Cruz. My junior year I lived with 3 of my best friends. One day, they coaxed me into smoking weed with them. I felt like i was going to die and went to sleep. This was about 4 years ago...In the 4 years since then I have smoked weed almost nonstop except for a short break when I moved out of the friends I lived with and another break when I made a bet with another 2p2er in this thread. Since the bet ended, I started smoking again in March, promised myself i would only use a vaporizer so as to not damage my lungs so much. Well, wouldnt you know it, last weekend I went out and bought a [censored] 50 dollar bong because i missed smoking out of one so much. I had kind of a mini nervous breakdown tonight(what prompted me posting this) and in the middle of said breakdown i decided i needed to dispose of the bong. So i went out to my condo complex's trash can and broke the bong into pieces and threw it away, hopefully I never use one again. I am considering throwing out my vaporizer as it is the last piece of smoking stuff I have. I have no weed as I ran out today and tried hard to reach someone to get me more.

I want to talk a little bit about how weed makes me feel. My normal day goes something like this: i wake up, get ready for work, go to work, work out, and then get home around 6. Since all my friends moved away from our hometown and I plan to be moving away in a month or so, I really have no one to hang out with, so i just come home, get really stoned and play poker. Now, for awhile, this wasnt too unhealthy. However, 2 weeks ago, my girlfriend and i broke up. Since then, i have gotten myself high enough to the point that I just dont feel emotions anymore because i want to die when i think about our breakup. This causes me to hemmorage money and get ridiculously depressed, which i feel hurts the chances of our relationship being worked out.

I know what you must be thinking, well hey rj, why not just quit? hey, good idea, i totally agree! I would love to, here is the problem. I go to work all day, when i am leaving, all i think about is how much want to relax and stuff. when i get home, if i dont smoke i get a kind of tingley feeling and just feel really nervous. If i make it until bed, i just feel kind of sweaty and tingley and have a hard time falling asleep. My lungs feel really heavy and my brain is just racing, like it needs something to slow it down. I do that thing where i just go "omg omgomgomgomg sleep" and it never happens. Many nights where i tried to quit smoking I just never fell asleep and felt like [censored] the entire next day. I think I have covered this section. I plan to try to ease off a bit at this point with the intention of quitting eventually.

II. Poker Playing
I started playing poker in 2002, in a small 20nl game in my dorm at uc santa barbara. occasionally i would go to chumash and play limit, but i was terrible. Pretty shortly after, I found 2p2, started posting. Started playing 4 tables of 50nl(back when party was 50bbs) and did quite well, i remember i was winning 9ptbb/100 for awhile. I 4 tabled all the way up to 200nl and had a real nice roll. I did some casino whoring, did well in that too. Between the casino whoring and poker, i paid for my final year of college. I actually quit my summer job after junior year because i was making so much more playing poker. I always played within my bankroll and never even had an interest at taking shots. then, in early 2005, i just stopped being into poker, i didnt play for months and barely read 2p2. I dont remember what i was doing, but it wasnt poker.

In July of that year, I got a PM from user Guyontilt, asking me where to get a good sandwich in santa cruz, because he and fellow poster evan happened to be spending a summer here. We started talking and they both came to my friends homegame and we had a good time. They were both really good limit players, so i had them coach me and i moved up quickly from 2/4 to 5/10, keeping a full roll and winning 2bb/100. not bad. anyway, they moved away, i played limit awhile longer and then withdrew my whole roll after party shut down. I got a full time job at nasa which i have to this day and which i use to support myself.

Ever since party has shut down I have been everything I have always prided myself on not being. I now deposit a couple hundred bucks at a time, play a bunch of tournaments im not really rolled for, take some beats, go on tilt, complain to the ones i love and my friends(which im sure annoys them). I find myself complaining in irc to people who dont care, or to my girlfriend, who i feel like i am dragging through hell when i tell a bad beat story, yet i cannot stop doing it.

to me, poker has become a game of ego. i no longer care about the money, i want to win tournaments. i want that big score and to say HEY I WON. I WAS THE BEST IN THIS TOURNAMENT. i dont care about my bankroll, cashing for small amounts, or making conservative plays. I have been pushing as hard as i can to win and failing miserably, which has been a massive blow to my ego. i need to stop spewing money this way. i have much more important things to be using it for.

III) Emotions.

I sometimes try to imagine what people on twoplustwo must think of me. The way I handled the OOT survivor situation was piss poor and was a pretty shining example of how my temper can turn me into a logicless, ranting retard when i get frustrated or angry. In real life, the translation is more that when i get frustrated i just get depressed, whereas online it comes off as anger. Everyday when i am commuting an hour, i am miserable because any mistake another driver makes i just want to blow their head off. When i am at work, on the other hand, peoples mistakes dont really bother me. On this board, I tend to take things that people say way too personally or be too "snarky" with others. I know many people think im a complete POS, but many who once thought that now consider me a friend. I really make a horrible first impression in that way, but i consider myself to be a loyal, loving person. Tilt is def up there in terms of my emotional problems and causes me to feel the need to tell the nearest person how unlucky i am, how depressed i am and i guess(not intentionally, but maybe subconsciously intentionally) attempt to garner some sympathy from the person. More often i think i am just annoying them and not helping either of us. After that, I just stop playing optimal poker and tilt off a tournament buyin or two after i lose to some two outers. I used to not know the meaning of tilt, and now a single 90/10 loss will throw me to the point of inconsolable maniac tiltwise. I really wish i knew how to fix this. I am thinking drugs must be involved if i have changed over time to do this.

Mostly with emotions, i just want to pinpoint the cause of me going into tilt/depression/anger mode and put an end to it. Tonight i was telling my girlfriend how sick the beats i were taking are, and the response i got was pretty much "shut up". which i think i totally deserve, but at the same time scared me into realizing that my idiotic emotional problems wrt poker may be hurting my relationships with other people more than i had previously thought...

leading us into...

IV) Relationships.

Last August, I met a girl from twoplustwo. We both had talked in #sstakes and posted in small stakes holdem and oot and whatnot. She lives in texas, but her family lived near mine. The first time we met, i picked her up in Santa Clara for our date to the Monterey Bay aquarium. It was about a 2 hour drive, and since she had just taken such a long flight, she fell asleep. The whole drive, she held my hand while she was asleep and i will never forget how beautiful she looked and how much fun we had that day. We went and saw all the fish(sunfish being the awesomest), we went and had pizza on fishermans wharf and then came back to santa cruz, looked out at the sun setting from the cliffs and had our first kiss. The next day, I took her to her family's house before her flight home. As I left, i told her i would miss her and how excited i was to see her again, i cried as soon as she was out of eyesight, I missed her already. For 10 months after this, we each flew back and forth, her coming to california, staying with me for a week and me coming home from work the happiest guy ever, or me flying to texas for a weekend to see the girl i loved, things were amazing. In the back of my mind, i was thinking about how i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she was amazing, her laugh, her smile, all of it just made every [censored] day of work worth it. i knew that the money from my paychecks would make us able to see each other more often and this made me very happy.

Then, I made the biggest mistake i have made in a relationship. Last month, my girlfriends horse had a baby. It was completely amazing and so cute it made me smile. Even better was how happy it made stacy, listening to her talk about her baby made me the happiest guy alive. Then, the day before stacy was supposed to come visit, there was a freak accident and the baby had to be put down. I was legitimately crushed and cried myself to sleep knowing how deeply hurt the person i cared most about was. When she got here, we held each other, i tried my best to comfort her and make her smile, but i wasnt helping and it just felt more and more like i could do nothing to help things at all. The second night she was here, i said the thing i regret saying more than anything i have ever said. After I came home from work, i was holding her, cuddling her and listening and all of a sudden i felt completely scared and helpless and said it, "baby, i dont know if i am okay with the distance in our relationship anymore."(it still makes tears come just thinking about it). Immediately i just lost it, i knew i had made a mistake, i knew i had hurt the person i loved more than anything who was already crushed.

The rest of her visit, it was obvious things had changed, we both had trouble talking and were both extremely sad. Since she flew home 2 weeks ago, we pretty much immediately broke up, she said she didnt trust me anymore, and i figured we were done, i had never been this unhappy in my life. Through a single moment of scared insecurity, i managed to lose the person who has made me the happiest guy alive for the past year. Ever since, I have been trying to make things right but I feel as though i lost the trust and love of my favorite person on earth. i simply hate myself for what i have done. Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have
-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.
- i started taking what we had for granted. from the getgo, our plan was to be together as soon as possible. as such, when i took the GMAT exam, i submitted my scores to 2 schools in texas. I did poorly on the GMAT, plan to retake them this year and start grad school next fall. But since we have been together i feel like i have had a tough time holding up my side of the bargain and going to texas since i have few vacation days and have to take a friday night after work flight, then take a flight home early monday morning, go directly to work and feel super tired/sick all week. after doing this a few times, i got lazy and just had my girlfriend come here more. i do miss her family and stuff and think i should be holding up my end a bit better.

the only bad thing about the relationship is that i felt myself being alienated from many of my friends. 3 of my 4 best friends moved away, the other one is on a yearlong biology study in canada. All 4 of them are amazing, loyal an loving people. My friends who remain here have gotten girlfriends or are either too stoned to be functional or too drunk to enjoy their company. Since they have changed, we have stopped being friends. So in the past 2 weeks, not only have i lost my girlfriend, i have realized that i really have no one to talk to about how i feel. The only person who i really open up to and have to thank them listening, is mrkilla, who has been awesome, but even he isnt around much of the time when i am lonely. I have always been the type to have few, very close friends, as opposed to many friends who are less close. I tend to avoid making new friends because i always thought "hey, i love these friends, why meet new ones?" Well now that I realize i could use some friends to be with, it is a little late, but i am moving in the next month or two anyway, so i guess its just temporary woes, but still, a lesson i should remember.

V) Where now?

Currently, I have a job at NASA in mountain view. It pays okay and the work is somewhat enjoyable and rewarding. My commute is currently about 45 minutes each way, which is what makes me completely hate my day, and is why i am trying to move to mountain view to shorten my drive to 10 minutes or so. Now, I have about 13k in the bank and paychecks coming, I should be able to afford to move, but i do need to keep saving money if i want to go to grad school. However, there are a few problems. First, my rent will go up about 400 bucks a month, which while not fatally damaging, will make me save even less money than i already am. Anyone who is familiar with the bay area housing market knows that I probably cant afford a house. So while money isnt a "concern" the fact that i wont be able to save much money certainly IS a concern.

The other thing is, my girlfriend is in texas, I am in california, she wants me to be there, i want to be there, we might be able to afford a house there, but i have no job there, no friends there, no family there and no idea what kind of jobs/pay i could get there. While it would be crushing to move so far from my friends and family, if i had a good job, could buy a house and could start saving for school i would be a very happy guy.

I dont know how many people will read ALL of what i just wrote. If 5/20000 do it than i guess it is worth the two hours in the middle of the night after i ran outside in my sweatpants to smash my bong that i spent writing this. I really would like some advice. Maybe you feel like youre unqualified to comment on the situation as a whole but have various suggestions for one of the many subpoints I made, if that is the case, please do, i would love some guidance/suggestions. Especially anyone with long distance romances. I really want to know how you went from long distance to together. I have a lot of problems, but i think that admitting them with the intention of fixing them in an honest manner was the best first step i could make. I hope no one takes offense for any of the personal stuff i have shared about them(mostly my girlfriend). But i love her to death and want the best for us, and i thought getting help this way would eventually end up benefiting her, so why not?

[govman6767]

Solution ?

That's a long and good post. I actually feel for you.

1) Dopes got to go
2) Do whatever you can to make amends with your woman
3) Quit playing poker

If you can't sleep at night take a few nytols or sominex's the doximine succanate will knock you out in like 20 min. It will help yo uget over the weed.

[HedonismBot]

I don't get why the "not comfortable with distance between us" comment led her to not trust you? You're obviously depressed due to the "break up" have you talked to her since, it seems from your post it was just a little squabble and you should make up with her soon.

[JackAll]

I've recently been through something similar with regards to a chick. Shortly before we split, I was having some serious issues. I was always fairly emotionally stable enough to never really lose it. Then when I just felt like things were going to hell and that it was all my fault (even though it wasn't), I just felt like I couldn't handle life anymore. This just got worse and worse. I didn't have a breakdown, but I guess this is the direction of what it would be like. I just couldn't really deal with anything. Small problems seemed so huge and everything just seemed so overwhelming that I couldn't deal with anything. After we split, all the other problems (probably similar to how you mentioned your weight, as well as things that I can deal with in a week or a month or 3 months like non-urgent money issues) seemed to be so unimportant again.

I'm still kinda on life tilt (people don't really get what that means when they use the phrase). I just kinda quit everything after breaking up. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I spent most of my spare time with her when we were together and didn't have time for other things, so steadily stopped doing lots of stuff. Then when it all went to hell, not only was I severely depressed, but I had nothing left in my life. And no motivation to do anything because everything seems so pointless in the greater scheme of things when you aren't with the person who you feel is the point of existence.

I am also the type who prefers a few close friends rather than lots of friends who are not so close. I have (or rather had) a few close friends here. One very close one moved away a couple of months ago and will be back in 3 months. Another very close one is 6 hrs drive away, but comes down every couple of weeks, but that's about it. Another is a good person but not quite as close. One other one moved away too. So I'm also in the same boat with regards to being quite isolated.

Anway, I did find that she obv didn't have the same feelings as I did because she met someone so soon after. This hurt like a kick in the nuts that lasted for hours on end for chunks of most days, but also helped me be really angry at her for lying about saying she cared which led to me allowing myself to care for her so deeply. Until I heard about this I really couldn't do anything. I guess I don't do much yet (still don't go out hardly ever), but I am moving towards a dull emptyness that I had before I was with her instead of the intense pain of thinking I ruined my possibly only chance to be really happy.



I guess if I was to give any advice, it would be that I think what you really need first is to sort things out with your woman. This really made me emotional. I suspect your anger is due to relationship issues. I would suggest meeting up with her and asking her blatantly if she cares for you enough to commit to being with you through problems. It will be horrible if the answer is no, but you need to find this out. Until then you will continue to be an emotional wreck. I just can't see how it can improve until you have the peace of mind of knowing that she will try to make things work when it gets tough. While I never tried drugs other than alcohol, I suspect that your anger is related primarily to this emotional situation than to drugs. Obv I can't comment on the drugs though. Once you get something with your woman sorted, you will see that everything else is not as overwhelming as it seems right now.




[ QUOTE ]
Here is why i feel like i have been a horrible boyfriend:

-i allowed myself to start doing drugs again which made my love show through less than it should have

[/ QUOTE ]

This is normal man. It hurts so much that just about anything that makes it stop is a completely understandable. Don't be hard on yourself for this. Obv it is bad for YOU, but has no bearing on being a bad bf.

[ QUOTE ]
-i got lazy and allowed myself to get fat. the girl i love deserves better and i am now going to work my ass off to get back into the shape i once was in.

[/ QUOTE ]

This has nothing to do with anything. If the relationship was real on her side then this means nothing. But often we don't really know exactly how the other person feels, and we are totally oblivious to this while we are high as a kite in love. Really - being fat is a non-issue.

[NoMeansYes_]

Sometimes its better to get things out of your head and write them, or talk to someone about them. You pretty much answered all of your questions in your OP and if you read through what you have written then you will probably understand more clearly what you have to do.

Try starting a journal so your thoughts aren't always in your head, because the difference between writing what goes on in your head and just thinking it is huge.

[MightyA6]

I read the OP and all your posts in the thread but nothing else.

Okay, so the truth is that I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but I somehow feel that I can relate to you in some manner. Not because I have ever been crazy in love like you are now, so I skip out that part, but everything else.
My two cent of worth:

1. The poker thing. Quit it for now! Remember that you have been winning, and think of that instead of fighting for a stupid donkament win. Be proud of the fact that you are winning, and you play poker better then 90-99% of the players out there.
Maybe you'll get back to poker later.. in a year or something.

2. The weed. Just because I hate it so much, I say it again: I hate f***ing hobby-psychiatrists and therefore I hate myself at this point, but anyways I'll type something down.
So I think that you should see someone for this, because they know what they are doing, no matter what you think. But ask yourself if it's really because you need the weed or because it has become a habit of yours to be smoking when you come home? The thing is that before I go to bed I need to have a glass of milk or cocacola or orange juice. I need to have it between my bed and drink a little before I go to sleep, I also have to watch some kind of tv-show on my computer while lying down. If I don't do this, I feel insecure and have a hard time falling asleep. Doing this really helps me get a routine, it feels like my body knows that "now I can take it cool and relax".
So I think that you maybe should find something instead of the weed to make you feel secure in where you're at? I must admit, I do a lot of crazy stuff without thinking about it, but if I do, I realize that they are all habits that I do to make myself feel good. So think about it one minute, what makes you feel relaxed, apart from your weed?

[sonneti]

Lay off the weed, I stopped 3 weeks ago after 7 years of getting wasted everyday. The benefits are starting to shine through. I won't write out a whole tl;dr post but smoking all the time frys your brains.

[Mr Rat]

[ QUOTE ]
The other thing is, my girlfriend is in texas, I am in california, she wants me to be there, i want to be there, we might be able to afford a house there, but i have no job there, no friends there, no family there and no idea what kind of jobs/pay i could get there.

[/ QUOTE ]
Love has no boundaries dude...true love that is...if it is true love (from both sides), do whatever it takes. But make sure it is love and not just the empty feeling of loneliness...a big sacrifice for loneliness will be hollow and bitter...a big sacrifice for love will only bring joy.

As far as not having anyone around, then take the time to be just you for a while...sounds like you could use that...just work on things you want to do for yourself and do them...sometimes solitude can help you find your center so use this time wisely. Be you and make a better you as you go along.

The great thing about life is you can always change things...nothing is static...so take a relaxing breath and set your changes in motion. Best wishes.

[trangers]

Wow. Thats a long ass post. I've gone through similar situations to what your goingthrough. Where in Texas does she live? Have you thought about transferring? Nasa has a base in Houston, depending on the type of work you're in, you may be able to transfer. It seems like you're trying to fix everything in your life at once. That never works for me. I'd suggest setting weekly goals for yourself. This week, start getting back into studying for the GMAT and working out a bit. Next week start exercising and getting back into shape. You may even be able to get GMAT study CDs that you can listen to in your car for the hour commute.

Try cutting the smoking to a once a day occurence. If you try to change everything at once, chances are you'll stick to it for a week, maybe two, then slip back into your old ways.

Hope this helps.

[Quercus]

Stop the drugs, stop the poker, lose weight, get in shape - all good ideas.

Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and see what they recommend. Probably the best idea.