Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)

[bambam16]

I don't post much here but I feel I need to. Echoing what everyone else said, I'm so sorry for your loss. It takes a lot of guts and heart to write what you did. Some time down the line I hope you can at least appreciate how you've put things in perspective for all of us.

[Don Key E37]

I don't know you and probably never will, but I wish you and your family the best. I hope you have as many happy healthy beautiful kids as you want whenever your ready. I never thought a poker forum could make me cry, but it did. I'm a little upset I clicked on this link but it does put things in perspective. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if this is appropriate but its all I could think to offer.

Irish blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sunshine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

[_dave_]

Like many others, this is the first thing I have ever read on the Internet that made me actually cry. Such terrible news.

This is a truly touching post, and I can only hope you feel a little better for having written it.

My sincerest condolences go out to you and your family, Poincaraux.



dave.

[Stuey]

[ QUOTE ]
Some people are afraid to talk to us, afraid to say something wrong. They think that, maybe, there's some *right* thing to say. There's no right thing to say. There's nothing that will fix things, make things better. The only thing that helps is that people say *something.*

[/ QUOTE ]

I have tried to reply to this post several times. I keep deleting them. I think you are doing very well handling what is an impossible situation. I feel very sad but also inspired by the strength and courage of you and your wife.

[ozyman]

[ QUOTE ]
I never thought a poker forum could make me cry. You write beautifully, thank you for sharing this. I hope it has helped you.

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[bowens]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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[Golden_Rhino]

My best friend and his wife went through this a couple of years ago. He still describes it as the saddest day of his life, but he ssys it gets better. It will always hurt, but the wound will heal. I hope you and your wife all the best, and if you work together I am sure you will get through the pain together.

[poincaraux]

Everyone-

Thank you. I'm so overwhelmed, I don't quite know what to say, but thank you.

You can probably tell from my first reply in this thread that I expected a small handful of responses, and this outpouring of support is meaningful and helpful. Thank you.

I don't know if I can say this enough, but every little thing helps. Knowing that I can look back on this thread, and all of the responses, helps. Thank you.

Some specific things:

Those of you who sent PMs-
Thank you deeply. I'll write back to each of them eventually.

Those of you who say you're too young to understand-
I wish nobody ever had to understand, but your good wishes help. Each person helps take away a little part of the pain.

El D-
I'm sorry for what happened to your friends, and I hope that you never have to be able to relate directly. Time scales are really strange. There have been so many times where my wife and I have convinced ourselves that we'd somehow "finished" working through things. Like your friends said, being able to share things is the very important. And the temptation to lock things away is really really strong at times, both consciously and subconsciously. My wife and I understand that, if nothing else, we have a duty to each-other that makes that unacceptable.

M2d-
I'm sorry for your family's loss. "Be there for your wife, but don't neglect your own needs" is a tough one. I know that I have to, but sometimes that's really hard. When I see her crying, I want to do everything in my power to help, and sometimes I just *can't* pay attention to myself. The fact that we both have strong support helps a lot. The fact that she doesn't have to get all of her support from me allows me to pay some attention to myself. Having a semi-anonymous community like 2+2 also helps a lot.

Irieguy-
Can you send me some references about the tradeoffs for induction at 39 weeks? We did a lot of research, and it wasn't as clear to us (then) as it is to you, and I'd really appreciate some studies to look at. When my wife gets pregnant again, we're planning to induce at 37-38 weeks. I can't imagine waiting for a full 40 weeks.
I wrote my OP mainly for myself, but it would feel wonderful if it could help others. I really didn't edit the OP at all, but I think I might like to add one more paragraph. Right before the paragraph about my uncle, I'd like to include

[ QUOTE ]
Our friends have been wonderful. Some have come to visit. Some have sent cards. Many called. Some still call every single day. They brought us dinner and did the shopping when we couldn't cook for ourselves. They baked cookies for us and they bought us books. Most importantly, they keep calling, keep stopping by, keep caring. If I don't want to talk, I can always ignore the phone, but I don't always call someone when I need to.

[/ QUOTE ]

My name is Michael George Lerner. I'd like it if you'd include my name with it, and maybe some contact information for me (PM me). I've found a lot of resources, but I think it would have helped me to have something as early as possible (there are so many terrible decisions that you have to make, even before you go back to the hospital to deliver). If you do print it up, could you send me a copy as well?

scorer-
My wife is very strong. I think she's going to be OK. Physically, she's excellent. Emotionally, only time will tell. Every day is hard, but we try to make each day a little better than the day before.

gumpzilla-
We're talking to a counselor. I think it helps, even if it's just to have a built-in excuse to debrief.

scott1-
My wife's best friend is trying to find a copy of that book for me. I'm not a huge sports fan, but I've heard good things about it. Thanks for mentioning it.

morgan180-
I'll reply to your PM, but thank you. I may take you up on your offer to get in touch. Even if I don't, knowing that I could will make me stronger. I'm sorry for your losses.

olliejen-
I know exactly what you mean about that folder. Those things were meant to be so happy. My wife and I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks, and we first saw his heartbeat then. We printed out the pictures and wore them as t-shirts. My heart goes out to you and your wife, and I'm so glad that you and your wife were able to continue on with your family.

Jasper-
Thank you for your story. I don't think that you can say that one of those things is truly worse than another. They're all just different kinds of painful. Thanks for the wishes. I also hope that we'll be able to have more children someday.

modaddy-
Joshua Alexander's eulogy is beautiful. Thank you.

youtalkfunny-
Thanks.

Isura, 4_2_it, AJMargarine-
Thank you. Your comments mean a lot to me.

The Stranger-
"I hope your transition from wound to scar goes as smoothly as possible." That's a good way of putting it, and one that I hadn't thought of. Thank you.

matrix128-
Thank you.

daveymck-
So many things are so much more terrible than I could have imagined. Giving birth was a combination of all sorts of conflicting emotions, some happy, some sad, every extreme and everything in-between. When the milk came in, it was just terrible with nothing to help (they used to give a shot that would stop the milk, but that shot causes strokes).

epdaws-
Thank you.

StevieG-
2+2 may be skewed to younger adults, but this still seems like such a huge outpouring of support. I'm so sorry for your losses, but please know that your story gives me some hope.

uberoval-
That is an amazing story.

Momma Mia-
My wife is looking around at some of the pregnancy and birth boards. In particular, I know that she's looking at babyfit. Are there any others that you'd recommend?

orange-
thanks.

SoloAJ-
Thank you.

HDPM-
Thank you so much for that post. It's one thing for us to say "we hope that he'll be able to help someone," and another for someone to say "something like that really did help me." Thank you.

Georgia Avenue-
Maybe I'll try writing some more. I don't know. I think this helps, but it's really hard.

Aces McGee-
Your post rings surprisingly true, coming from someone who hasn't experienced this. Thank you.

kipin-
Thank you.

Buknaked36-
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your post.

StukOnStupid-
I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your post. My wife and I are seeing a therapist together. I have a lot of friends to talk to, but I'll keep what you said in mind, and consider seeing someone alone. Thanks.

Al6Jets18-
Thank you for sharing your story, and thank you for your perspective. I was not planning on keeping this from my future children, but your post has made it clear to me how important that is. Thank you.

Pokey-
Thank you. We've had many days like your friend. Sometimes, even "one day at a time" is too much, and we have to focus on one moment at a time. It helps to have a strong relationship. I don't know how we'd make it without each-other. Thank you for your post, and your offer of help.

Don Key E37-
Even though I've heard it before, the Irish blessing made me tear up in a way that it never has. Thank you for your thoughts.

Everyone else, and everyone who's thinking about us and praying for us:
Thank you. I'd like to write back to each person individually, because every comment helps, even if just a little bit, but I don't have the energy right now. Thank you.

[Analyst]

I am sorry beyond words for your terrible loss. It's obvious that you were already a wonderful father for Allan, even in the womb. If you so choose, hopefully some day another child will be fortunate enough to have you and your wife as parents.

[La Brujita]

I am very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story.