"My dad left us..."

[DeuceKicker]

I've heard this phrase all my life. The image it conjures in my mind is the scraggly guy with a dirty wifebeater T-shirt who goes out for smokes and is never seen again.

I've seen it used in this forum a couple times recently, so I'd like to ask everyone what they think of when they hear or use the phrase, "My dad left when I was [insert age]"

Is it a simple statement of fact, or does it carry the connotation of abandonement?

The reason I ask is because I recently broke up with my live-in girlfriend. We have a daughter who just turned three (yesterday; happy birthday baby!)

There was one catastrophic event (not infidelity) that pushed me into leaving, but I was pretty much out the door even before then. I had thought long and hard, and decided that it was better for me to leave than for my daughter to see how her mother was treating me, and that I was taking it to preserve a small measure of peace in the family.

I fought with her mother to gain joint custody. I did manage to squeeze a weekly mid-week overnight in addition to the standard every-other-weekend visitation. After initially saying, "I'll see you in court," my ex has recently started talking about joint custody. I think she finally realizes how much work raising a child is, and how much of it I did when I was there.

My daughter and I really bonded when she was first born, and are very very close. The people at daycare joke about how she has me wrapped around her finger, but often say that she's lucky to have a daddy like me. But I worry that I'll have little control over whether our close relationship continues. (Specific events make the outlook even more bleak, but I wonder if, in general, I even have a shot.)

Am I doomed to be the dad that "left us when I was two..."? Do all kids grow up to view the parent who left as the abandoner?

[Shadowrun]

I really feel for you, are you comfortable saying what event pushed you over the edge i.e. getting that divorce?

To me as long as you are there for your daughter its not the same as skipping town.

[fyodor]

If you stay in her life on a weekly basis you should have no problems that cannot be overcome with conversation. Do not disappear for weeks at a time without good reasons and explanations. If it does become necessary (say a 2 week business trip to another coast) phone as often as possible. Daily if your ex will allow it.

[Blarg]

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Am I doomed to be the dad that "left us when I was two..."? Do all kids grow up to view the parent who left as the abandoner?

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Unfortunately, unless the mother is motivated not to, she can fill her kid's head with whatever poison she wants to. She can also throw away your letters, etc. If she moves away, your kid will never have a real chance to balance it out by seeing you frequently in person. If you move away for job or whatever reasons, ditto. Your best ally in this regard is maintaining a good relationship with the mom, whether you want to or not.

A friend of mine had this problem. He never put his kid's mother down, despite the fact that she was pretty loony and liked to make vicious character assassinations against him to his kid. His kid would ask him about this kind of thing sometimes, and he would say, I don't want to be negative regarding your mom, but you can see for yourself how things are, whether I'm doing and saying these terrible things or not. And you can make your own judgments from there. He gave his kid trust, and respected his kid's intelligence. He tried hard never to descend to the level his ex-wife did, and never to use his kid as a pawn in a revenge scheme. I knew the kid myself, met him many times. Great kid. The kid grew up valuing and admiring his dad's unwillingness to drag everything into the dirt like his mom constantly tried to.

Key to this, too, was that his dad really loved it and showed it, and spent a lot of time with his son. His son had that constant positive reinforcement from his dad to help balance out the negativity and negative propaganda he got from his mom. Without spending that time over many years with his apparently perfectly reasonable and loving dad, who knows what he might have eventually have been led to think about him by his angry, loopy mother.

[SoloAJ]

DeuceKicker,

My only input here is through my own experience. My parents divorced when I was three (though it was a case of my father's infidelity). However, my mother made the conscious choice--at least, they both tell me that--to allow my father to see me every other weekend and stuff. I guess the court wanted it to be that I stay with him every other summer or something.

My mother decided to have it just be every Friday night to Sunday night that I was with him.

If the situation stays like that, and neither of you move away, then it can work splendidly. I would NEVER say that my father left me, because he didn't. If you maintain an active role in your daughter's life then there is no way that she would say that. Even if her mother tried to fill her head with those thoughts. Because you would always be there to remind her they aren't true.

That said, I can't give much input into what happens if either of you move away or something. That could be a bad thing.

The one think I am thankful for is that my parents may have hated each other most of my life (the last 5 years or so they have gotten along fine in mixed settings), but they always put me first. They did what they perceived to be best for me, and it worked great.

So HOPEFULLY your daughter's mother can get that mentality sooner than later and realize that you ARE a good father and an important figure in your daughter's life.

Hope that helps and hope even more that things work out for you and your daughter. It sounds like it would be really really selfish of the mother to do anything hurting the child's quality of life just to spite you (assuming you're the father you're indicating...and I'm sure you are).

[rothko]

deuce, that phrase implies abandonment and isn't applicable to you. as long as you maintain a solid relationship and give her as much love and attention as is possible/reasonable you will not be considered a deadbeat.

also, if your ex badmouths you to the kid, DO NOT PARTICIPATE. denigrating the other parent is a terrible thing to do in front of a child. you can't control your ex, but don't "fight back" except in the way that you will be bigger than her. give your daughter all the reason in the world to love you and trust you and she will figure it out on her own.

just try your best to be civil with your ex and don't get petty. she may or may not deserve your efforts, but your daughter certainly does. i wish the best for all three of you.

[DeuceKicker]

Thanks for the responses.

I don't think I should get into the deal-breaker event, but if you think the worst thing one parent could say or do to another parent that's worse than infidelity... yeah.

My ex has big problems with going into rages when she gets angry. Her anger is either at 0 or 10, there's no middle ground with her. When she's not mad she talks about not arguing in front of the baby, having a code phrase for when one of us thinks it's getting out of hand so we can take it to another room or wait for the baby to go to bed, etc... but when she gets pissed, all that goes out the window.

When I said I was leaving I got her to promise to never try to turn my daughter against me or use her as a weapon to hurt me. She made it almost an entire month. I was proud of her.

I think you guys/gals have mirrored my fears and resolve in this issue. I fear that a little kid who constantly hears the same thing will eventually start to believe it. But I have also resolved to always be a part of her life and set a good example in not bad-mouthing her mother.

I also understand that our relationships will be cyclical. Right now she's daddy's girl and very vocally chooses to be with daddy over mommy. Thankfully--and surprisingly--her mother doesn't get upset about this. But as she gets older she'll get closer to her mother until her mid teens, when she'll probably hate us both, and on into her adult years when her mother may be her best friend.