college essay help

[3shaaa]

The university asks to describe the world i came from. here's what I've got so far. Comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.


I come from a country where culture thrives and religion is at the heart of each person. A place where bright colors mask the unsightly places within, where genuine smiles can be seen on each person despite the hardships one faces. Its citizens never fading in character, traditional in spirit, and yet always resolute and vigilant to secure its peace, freedom, and democracy. This is my country, the Philippines.

At an early age, I was already exposed to the harsh realities of living in this country. Everywhere you look, you would see homeless people, children using rugby just to ease the pain of hunger, beggars asking for food or money, and people living in city slums. After realizing all of these, I have not been ignorant and indifferent to my surroundings. Instead, I’ve made a pact to myself that I would do whatever I can to help my fellow unfortunate Filipinos. It may be hard to know what a seventeen year old girl could do to actually help people in need but I’ve done my best in every way I could. I joined various organizations which promote poverty awareness and we’ve done concrete ways to help the poor.

My dream is not a dream that I would want for my own. It is a dream for each individual in need in this world. I want to see a smile on each child, on each person that I would help. I’ve already been involved in numerous organizations which promote this cause but I also want to join more, to even create my own organization to help others. I want to empower the youth someday, to make them realize that we would not progress unless we solve the underlying problem of poverty in every nation.


Unfortunately, our country cannot truly help the ones in need. As far as I love the country I hail from, I do not believe that I would be able to do as much if I stayed here. This is why I want to live in a globalized world, to live in a world as if there were no borders. My dream is to help everyone I could regardless of race, identity, and social category. Now, I’ve been given the chance to actualize my dream, to be able to study in the US. I want to pursue my undergraduate studies in a different country because I know that an education from an institution of great integrity such as U.C. would help me attain my dreams.

[tshort]

Welcome to 2+2: Student Life. a.k.a. the college admission essay review forum.

Really good theme, intro, conclusion, and general organization. This is much better than any I've seen posted on here.

Some grammatical errors:

1. "children using rugby just to ease the pain of hunger"

I don't know that exercise eases hunger. Distracts from, maybe.

2. "I've made a pact to myself..."

A "pact" typically involves multiple parties.

3. "we've done concrete ways to help the poor."

"we've made concrete progress in helping the poor"

[3shaaa]

Thank you for reading my essay. Your comments are truly appreciated! I will definitely revise my essay based on your suggestions. Thank you! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[tshort]

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Thank you for reading my essay. Your comments are truly appreciated! I will definitely revise my essay based on your suggestions. Thank you! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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While I understand the US implemented English during the occupation of the Philippines, is it still taught as the primary language in schools, media, everyday use?

[3shaaa]

Yes, it is. All of our subjects are taught in English except for the foreign language subjects. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] But I still need to take the TOEFL.... for unknown reasons..