"The Ofdabeat hates backpackers special"

[ofdabeat]

Dreadlocks. Henna tattoos. Banana pancakes. They spend three days eating street food and drinking fruit shakes with each other, tattered copy of Lonely Planet in hand, then declare that they’ve “done” Bangkok. If they didn’t look so ridiculous, I’d be petitioning for their extinction. As it is, I’m happy to regard them with amusement from afar.



A smell concious backpacker sadly there are way too few of them


Fake dreadlocks are a must ( warning : those may be real )


Please wash your face ( also note the always classy fisherman pant : the fashion equivalent of pearl harbor )


More clean and classy hairs, the beads are awesome


Banana pancakes : backpackers bread and butter, supposed to have heavy debilitating effects when eaten too often.


Typical backpacker tourist in india, the sight of people heavily into religion ( cool or obscure ones only ) help the backpacker understand life and brag about it ( you can't understand you haven't travel enough )


When there is no reggae bar backpackers have been known for playing some irritating music themselves.


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So how do you get rid of backpackers? By getting rid of their food, hiding places and alcohol-supply, thatÂ’s how.

1. Backpackers live on rubbish: takeaways, frozen pizzas, bread rolls, chips, chocolate and generic soft drinks.

Remove as many of these items from supermarket shelves as possible.

Encourage convenience stores to close.

2. Backpackers like warm, damp dwellings, so cleaning your local hostel to a standard acceptable to normal humans will reduce their available habitat. The resulting price rise will act as an extra deterrent. Also, be vigilant in tearing their ads for five-to-a-room accommodation off lampposts — what they can’t find, they can’t inhabit.

3. Backpackers have a natural aversion to sunlight, so wherever you are, open the curtains.

Also worth noting is backpackers’ natural aversion to fire.

4. Boric acid is lethal to cockroaches and humans. I’m not recommending murder, that’s just what it says on the packaging.

5. Backpackers can survive for days without food, but they must have alcohol every few hours. Half-price schooners, pubs showing EastEnders
and anywhere that lets girls in for free is a backpacker magnet. Call Naomi Robson and get them closed down.

6. Slash the tyres of any Ford Falcon station wagon, Econovan or VW Kombi and chances are, you’ll be hindering the spread of vermin.

I’ve practised all these suggestions on a daily basis, and to my delight, my backpacker problem has subsided. The best part is, I’ve also noticed fewer junkies, wanna-be rock stars and ordinary bogans, too.

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