rate my college essay gogogogogo

[notfreemoney]

Hey,
Remember, the admissions person that reads your essay probably spends ~45 seconds on your essay so you really need to concentrate on making it read easily. Like someone above said already... go through and try and eliminate some of the jargon/ cliche terms (life on the pine and "hey theres always next year right?".

I like that you picked a different topic than many people would pick but in the end they want read this and get to know something about you and WHY they should admit you. You start to do this in your last paragraph but it went all downhill with the girl comment. The admissions committee has no interest on whether or not you can get with a girl. This is the clincher paragraph. Make it more serious and really try and present a mature paragraph on how you have grown from your high school experience and how you will carry this to college.

Couple ideas for last paragraph:
1. maybe basketball did teach you to study harder and maybe it taught you to get the girl but I think it might sound better if you attempt to portray that basketball made you "realize" that you have used the same principles in many aspects throughout your life. Then pick 2 or 3 topics and show how you have worked hard, found a way to solve a problem or just achieved something.
For example- "study harder" seems bleh- try saying that you make the effort to go to the teachers office hours after class before practice or form a study group with your friend or used a tutor sounds better and more on the level of what college kids would do

random afterthought- the paragraph in the middle kind of seems like its too much failure. I would try and downplay the fact that you didnt make it into the game and u made it sound like ur coach never even noticed you. You can take a paragraph like that and turn it into some specific accomplishments. Say something like although I didnt see any playing time, my offseason practice was not in vain. Then say some of the things that you saw that you accomplished... i was in better shape than my teammates, my FG% during drills went up by so and so points, I gave up less shots on defense and was better at rebounding. That makes it sound more positive instead of leaving it with meh oh well theres next year...
sorry for rambling but hopefully theres some good advice in there

[joelav128]

i agree with you nfm, i am definitly going to change the last paragraph. as i read it over today it definitly needs to be altered and can be drastically improved.

[I_teach_writing]

[ QUOTE ]
"Filling up water bottles to the perfect height, screaming with every shot that goes in and always being optimistic are things that I pride myself on."

The structure here is kinda awkward, I think it would sound a lot better as "I pride myself on filling up water bottles, . . . . ." Also, there should be a comma after the word "in."


[/ QUOTE ]

touche

[I_teach_writing]

[ QUOTE ]
It's only a draft but I'm looking for feedback positive or negative. If you like it, tell me, if you think I should start completely from scratch let me know that also. Give me your thoughts and let me know what you think I should take out, add in, or leave the same! Here it goes...


Life on the pine may be difficult for some, but I thrive upon it. Filling up water bottles to the perfect height, screaming with every shot that goes in and always being optimistic are things that I pride myself on. It takes a lot of hard work to be successful, but I have put in tons of effort in order to make myself the perfect benchwarmer, a challenge that not many people are eager to accept.
Thirty two minutes per game has allowed me more time than I prefer to consider my position on the team and ways of improving it. From “accidentally” falling on the point guard’s ankle during practice to learning how to hit half court shots, nearly everything has crossed my mind. After careful thought and much deliberation, I have come to one conclusion: basketball may not be the sport for me.
Rather than give up just like that, I was determined to have my status as cheerleader revoked. I hit the weight room hard three days a week after school, sprinted alone in dark gyms and took jump shot after jump shot in the off season until my arms wanted to fall off. Still, that was not enough. I sprinted with weighted shoes, dribbled tennis balls around my driveway and stopped eating McDonalds. Finally as the first game of the season approached I was excited to show off my new skills and actually become a contributing member of the team.
The first quarter came and went, then the second, the third, and the fourth. I had not played a single minute, even when we were up by forty with four minutes left in the last quarter. On the surface it appeared my hard work had been in vain, but that was not the truth.
Toiling away day after day in the gym had taught me something valuable. Working hard allowed me to be proud of myself, even if I was not successful in reaching my goal of playing in a game, if only so for a minute. However, I had achieved my goal of becoming a better basketball player. I can’t complain about not playing in the game, apparently others, mainly my coach, did not think I improved as much as I did. Hey, there’s always next year, right?
Lessons learned in basketball have allowed me to improve in other areas of my life. Not understanding the loop rule in physics? Study harder. Can’t get that girl in your English class? Stop stumbling over your words and saying stupid things to her. Now that I have the right mentality, I am ready to approach college with the same attitude that has led me to success, or lack thereof, in basketball. I’m waiting to get off the bench in the game of life that I have so far been sitting on and move on to the next “season” that awaits me.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have 23 new essays to grade at the moment, but I glanced at the piece. The feedback you received is generally solid. The only red flag I saw was the "get the girl" line. It's hackneyed, and if you run into the politically correct police, it will hurt your image.

To echo some of the others, the content and theme works for me, but as it is written now, it is not an easy read. Make it simple; it should be considering the amount of time an admissions officer will spend on it. Write in the positive when you can, eliminate most of your adverbs (words that end in -ly), and get a style guide and review parallel structure.