Dealing with a loss (stillbirth) - Page 11

StukOnStupid · #**101** 10-17-2006, 03:31 PM

poin,

I couldn't read much of your post. We had a baby born premature. She lived for a day. I don't want to talk much about it beyond that.

(If you are already seeing a therapist or counselor, you can disregard what I have to say below.)

I recommend you see a therapist/psychitrist, not because they will tell you anything that will make you feel better, but because you will find it helpful to "unload" your thoughts and emotions on someone who has *no* emotional or familial stake in the matter.

There are many thoughts and emotions that will come up that you must get off your chest but that you cannot burden your loved ones with. Being able to just tell someone what was on my mind without fear of hurting them, or scaring them was very helpful to me.

Also, if you are having unusual problems with grief, someone who deals with this professionaly will be able to recognize this and help you.

I only saw my therapist alone, never with my wife, I wanted to be able to say anything. I think this was important to me.

By the way, I am NOT someone who is a big fan of "therapy", but it really did help. I no longer see a therapist, but if things got really dammed up again, I would call her in a second.

I am very sorry for your loss.

trickymartin · #**102** 10-17-2006, 03:53 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

jsaund22 · #**103** 10-17-2006, 04:08 PM

Poin,

I have made multiple trips to the office bathroom today to shed tears for you and your family. I even made a special trip home to hug my wife and 16 month old. My family's prayers are with you. It really hit close to home because my cousin's wife had a miscarriage over the weekend.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, but your post is one of the most touching things that I've ever read.

I hope you can find some measure of comfort from all the responses to your post.

Chobohoya · #**104** 10-17-2006, 05:40 PM

Poincaraux,

I am so sorry for your loss. While we don't know each other and have never interacted even on this site, your post was one of the most moving things I have ever read. You and your wife's incredible love for your son will be in my thoughts for a long time, I suspect. Despite your obvious personal strength and character, I know you will need all the help you can get, and I hope the outpouring of sympathy for you from this forum can aid your recovery.

I wish you and your wife the best in the future.

Al6Jets18 · #**105** 10-17-2006, 06:26 PM

I can't really add anything to the responses, except to repeat that I am deeply sorry and wish you all the best in the future with any parenting endeavors that you and your wife may plan.

I don't really have much experience with situation, being that I am barely out of highschool, but if there is one thing I can advise, it is to talk. A lot. It seems that now, your friends and family are doing a superb job in providing a comfort zone for you. However, like some have said, many will in time interact with you in the same way they did before the tragedy. Even after a great deal of time passes, if you ever feel bothered at all, you can still talk and I'm sure that your caring family would understand. Never hesitate.

When I was 16, my dad and I noticed some signs of depression in my mom. We talked to her and found out she was still in grief about a stillbirth 16 years earlier. My would-be twin was all she thought about, she said. Talking to us helped her and now she is perfectly healthy. Also, do not hold this information from your kids (and if you think that I am making an assumption, I am not. I have faith that you will indeed have children someday). That incident was the first time that I found out that I was supposed to be a twin, and it hurt me very much, so much so that for a few days I (in retrospect, selfishly) did not help my mom and grieved alone. Tell your kids about this for two reasons. First, they will be hurt if you do not tell them the truth, as I said before, but they can also help comfort you in a way that no family member or friend can.

Once again, my sincerest condolences. Best wishes in all your future parenting attempts.

uclabruinz · #**106** 10-17-2006, 06:31 PM

[ QUOTE ]
This post made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[/ QUOTE ]

jeffraider · #**107** 10-17-2006, 07:02 PM

Sincerest condolences. That was heart-wrenching to read and I feel terrible for your loss.

Pokey · #**108** 10-17-2006, 09:00 PM

poincaraux:

Just three days ago I was wondering where you had gone. I glanced at your post history and saw that you hadn't posted in a few weeks and thought "oh, he must have gotten ticked off about the new legislation, too!"

God, I wish I had been right. I truly wish the only problem in your life right now was the petty and relatively useless one of the government making a hobby slightly more difficult to play.

Your post made me cry, too. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to make your pain any lighter, but I voluntarily share the burden of carrying it. Hopefully, if enough people hear your story and care about it, your pain will abate somewhat. I offer my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

The only slightly good news in this entire story is that you and your wife remain strong supporters of each other. Too often, child-related tragedies drive a wedge between husband and wife, so that they not only lose their child, but each other. Cling to each other, and be there for each other, and rebuild what you can. I don't know how, and neither does anybody else, but together you WILL get past this.

During a trying time several years ago, I had a friend who would wake up in the morning with the knowledge that her entire job was to get through the day. She would wake up, point at the sun, and say "you do your job and I'll do mine." The sun is doing its job -- you do yours. Get through this one day at a time, poin. And while I know it's impossible for me to do anything useful here, please contact me (or any of your other 2+2 friends) if there is ANYTHING I can do to help.

Foucault · #**109** 10-17-2006, 09:21 PM

I never thought a poker forum could make me cry. You write beautifully, thank you for sharing this. I hope it has helped you.

egocidal · #**110** 10-17-2006, 09:38 PM

Your writing was incredibly powerful. As a student in college, the responsibilities, joys, and sorrows that come with adulthood and parenthood are still a while away, but your writing puts a lot in perspective as to what is important in life. Im very sorry. Thank you for choosing to share your story and good luck.