Pregnant GF

[By-Tor]

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do the right thing. you are only 1/3 of the equation.

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haven't been reading the replies, but it is a standard debate.

let me add/clairify...

the 'right thing' doesn't always mean what you think.

if removing yourself from the equation because you are too immature to deal, then that becomes the 'right thing'



do the right thing.

[Tom Ames]

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You seem to think that the guy has the option to bail while the girl does not. I just don't agree with your original sentiment that it should be 95% the girl's decision. In a perfect world, I believe it should be a 50%/50% decision. Obviously there has to be some sort of tiebreaker and society has decided that the girl gets the edge cause it's her body. I don't agree with that solution but I can't think of a better one. Saying that the guy gets almost no say is completely wrong IMO though.

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We may not really disagree too much here. I think you're maintaining focus on how things should be, and I'm locked in on how things are (generally speaking).

[QuickLearner]

I read a lot of OOT but rarely post here...I think I have some perspective that I didn't notice when reading the thread. This is going to be disorganized and I appologise in advance (there are about 30 posts that I'd like to respomd to and this is the best way for me to go).

I just turned 53 and never was lucky enough to have a child. I can't describe how sad that makes me. When I was about 22 my brand new bride thought she was pregnant and it scared the hell out of me but I decided to make the best of it. I remember having the same selfish concerns that the OP expressed. She miscarried and for a while I was relieved. I still feel guilty for feeling that way because I never got another chance.

OP, please consider what you'll be missing if you try to convince your girlfriend to end the pregnancy. You'll certainly lose her and you may cost her any future chance to have a family. Didn't you mention that she'll be a great mom? Let her have a shot. You may end up being a great dad, too.

Two weeks ago you would have married her...now you want to hit the bricks. I think it's a mistake. You'll be able to do everything in your life that you would've without a family, and it may even be more fun. You can't escape the financial aspect of this, so start figuring out a way to enjoy it as much as possible. You may be surprised. It really isn't a matter of "being a man about it," you're squarely in the situation and will have to deal with it while hurting as few people as possible. Be responsible. And be happy that your parents didn't decide to abort you to escape the stress of raising a child.

I wish you all the best.

To the others who are making jokes: not everything is worth a joke. To the others who think that an abortion would be the best for everyone concerned: I think you're wrong...not just where the baby is concerned; I think that everybody suffers. I'm sorry because I know how "preachy" this all sounds.

I know. tl;dr.

[VoraciousReader]

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You make it sound like the only voluntary participant during sex is the man and the woman is just "keeping him happy".

1. Both parties are equally responsible for birth control.
2. Both parties should be equally responsible for the decision to have children or abort.

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Not at all. You read quite a bit into my statement that was not there. Sex should be fun for both participants...and both participants bear responsibility for the consequences.

The statement "both parties are equally responsible for birth control" statement is meaningless. Birth control is not a "responsibility". It is a privilege. We are lucky to live in a time and a part of the world where we can have lots and lots (and lots!) of sex and prevent babies...most of the time.

I would change statement 1 to: "Both parties are equally responsible for the results of having sex." The man is not "equally responsible" for birth control. However, since he IS equally responsible for a baby, should one result, it is certainly in his best interest not to assume the woman is taking care of the birth control.

Item 2 is ludicrous. Why should the man get to decide whether a woman has an abortion? Keep in mind, we are still talking about a medical procedure, with all the attendant risks. If item 2 were somehow enacted into law, and she doesn't want one and he forces her to have one, can she sue him if there are complications? What if she can't handle the guilt and requires years of therapy? Is he liable? Suppose he forces her to HAVE the baby when she wants an abortion. If she is a supermodel, can she sue him for loss of income during the pregnancy? If she gets post-partum depression and kills herself, can her family seek reparations from him? Or perhaps he should just outright pay her for the service of incubating his baby?

Really, if I were a man, I would not WANT to be responsible for the decision of whether the prospective mother of my child has an abortion. Adoption is a more complicated issue, so I'll ignore it for now.

Edit: OP, I'm sorry that I've been debating peripheral issues. You are in a difficult place, and I understand your panic and fear. Try to talk this out with your girlfriend. It would be sad to lose someone you love enough to marry because she is giving birth to your child. You may feel differently once you get used to the idea. Good luck to you and her.

[soon2b]

its time to grow the [censored] up buddy. life is about making sacrafices. here is your first big one. you should not be telling yourself youll never get out of that [censored] hole town if you have the baby, etc etc. dont be so negative. grow up, figure things out, make it work. if you want to get out of that town bad enough, you will. good luck to you and i hope you make the right decision

[Tom Ames]

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Gf just came back from the OBGYN and has pics of it now. 8 weeks 2 days and healthy.

She has now made it very clear that abortion and adoption are out of the question.

I have no [censored] clue what I'm going to do now...


Hey Tom, you seem to know a whole bunch about me - what comes next? TY for being so supportive btw.

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You came here asking for advice, not support. I obviously know you only from your posts in this thread, and you've presented yourself in a less-than-sympathetic manner. I'm sorry you and your GF find yourself in this predicament. It's truly a tight spot for both of you, and as you quickly figured out on your own, there is no simple solution.

There has been some good advice offered in this thread. There has also been some inexplicably atrocious advice. Your task is to figure out which is which.

I have no idea what you should do. No one can decide that but you as everyone and every situation is different. Only you know how you feel about your GF, know what your plans for the future are, how you feel about starting a family, how you might react if you stayed, left, etc.

I can tell you what I'd do, but that'd be like your GF telling you months ago what she'd do if she were pregnant. You never know what you'd do until you're actually presented with a situation that you hope will never materialize.

I can tell you that a mature and responsible person would try to figure out what is best for him, his GF, and the coming child, and then try to figure out what course of action to take that would be the best compromise for all concerned. But to do that, you'd have to be completely honest in evaluating the situation from all three parties' perspectives.

Keep in mind that this is not a problem that can be solved in one day. It's going to take you some time to deal with it to your own satisfaction, so take your time and try to make some good and informed decisions. I hope I'm wrong in my quick assessment of your immaturity and irresponsibility.

And, I'll repeat my sincere message from my first post in this thread: Good luck.

[KJS]

I can only hope more men will make the choice to get vasectomies as a result of hearing stories like this. It is our last line of defense against having unwanted children. Get snipped guys; you will not be sorry. And perhaps someday we will have more options for using medical science to control our own desires not to have children. Go sign up for any tests on male birth control in your area. We need development in this area.

To the OP: best of luck to you and your family. Do what you feel is right.

KJS

[BruceInCA]

I disagree with any who say you have no choice but to stay and raise this child. You and your GF had an agreement, pre pregnancy.

A HUGE, relationship molding agreement. If at that time she said, 'No, I'm going to want to keep the baby and raise it', would you have stayed with her?

[censored] that [censored]. I don't even agree that you have any financial responsibility. Could an attorney argue that you had a verbal contract regarding any unplanned pregnancy? I sure would be curious.

Frankly, her change of mind in something so gigantic is a relationship deal breaker. From reading your posts, you seem to agree with that.

Anyways, my 2 cents.

[Edge34]

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So if she really loves you then she should abort the baby.

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Some of the advice in this thread blows my mind, please don't say this

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Why so? He is just making his case. Its called persuasion. She has to choose between him or the baby. thats all. The decision is still hers.

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Congrats. You're the first poster I've ever put on ignore.

I wish you the best of luck in life, sir.

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Must be a low threshold of tolerance considering i neither used profanity nor cuss words towards anyone. Just presented advice amongst many other words of advice given to the OP.

anyway, more power to you.

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If you're the type of guy who would go to a woman he claims to love and say "you either abort or its splitsville", that really says something about your class...or lack thereof.

This is real life. This isn't a movie, this isn't a game. OP does need to man up, and making some kind of move like that is slimy.

I'll say what's already been said: THIS IS WHY YOU FACKING WRAP IT UP!!! Of course, I can see how a 22-year-old college dropout "rounder" would think the world was all starry. What dreams are you giving up exactly, OP? I'm 22 and I've told my gf that if anything were to happen (I wrap it up and she's on the patch), then I'd be a man and do my job. What's so bad about getting a 9-to-5, OP? Poker will be around, and you're probably not fit emotionally or financially if this is going to ruin you.

[Edge34]

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I disagree with any who say you have no choice but to stay and raise this child. You and your GF had an agreement, pre pregnancy.

A HUGE, relationship molding agreement. If at that time she said, 'No, I'm going to want to keep the baby and raise it', would you have stayed with her?

[censored] that [censored]. I don't even agree that you have any financial responsibility. Could an attorney argue that you had a verbal contract regarding any unplanned pregnancy? I sure would be curious.

Frankly, her change of mind in something so gigantic is a relationship deal breaker. From reading your posts, you seem to agree with that.

Anyways, my 2 cents.

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You, sir, do not seem to be a very good man. Are you actually saying OP should find a lawyer to enforce some kind of "verbal contract" in this case? You must be out of your [censored] mind. I can't believe how many people are going to go around sticking their junk in chicks and not expect to have any consequences.