Thinking about getting a new dealer. Need some advice.

Spechel EDD · #1 12-01-2006, 08:51 PM

Hi guys,

I normally lay host to a home game thats usually friendly where people just drink beers and have a great time. About 2-3 months ago a new player named Chuck wandered in off the street and decided to sit down and play against us. I hate Chucks guts and so does everyone else. He is just a giant douchebag (he even brings his super hot wife to rub in our faces that we dont have someone as hot as her.) His wife is a fricken knockout that I dont know how that troll managed to get. We have always wanted to kick him out but most of us have ethics and dont want to be gigantic douchebags kicking out someone just because we dont like him.

About 2 days ago it got pretty heated. His wife was there wearing this form fitting wifebeater that could barely hold her brests in place and I was mesmerized at how gravity hadnt forced them to pop out after every hand Chuck won by suckout or luck (thats the only way he can win.) After about 4-5 hours of everyone continually getting busted by myself or Chuck it finally became just me and him. Mano a mano. Two bulldogs ready to fight it out to the death with no backing down.

Our dealer is named Tuan and he kinda new to the greatest country in the world (America obv.) He barely speaks english because he's asian but he does understand commands like 'deal.' He doesnt whine and talk much, other than in the moon language he speaks, and his upkeep costs arent too great. So it all kinda works out.

The following hand occured. Stacks were pretty deep and we were finally going to face off. I picked up J[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]9[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] and raised to $35 with $0.25/$0.50 blinds and he immeditely called. (I put him on a draw). I had almost $580 behind and barely covered Chuck.

The flop came down T[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]8[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img]8[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

"BINGO, BITCH," I thought to myself.

"I bet..... $19.25," moaned Chuck like the bloated bitch that he was.

"RERAISE, eat my nuts to $120 Chuck," I yelled at him while continuously looking at his wife. I could see her nipples get hard just at the thought of a real man like myself laying his eyes on her. I slowly realized that blood was starting to drain from my enormous man brain into my massive man meat.

Chuck proceeded to tank himself into a coma because he obviously realized that a straight balla like myself wasnt playing around. He proceeded to say nothing for the next 2-3 minutes while thinking to himself (probably about how much he sucks). Then he meekly said "call."

Tuan proceeds to deal the turn which comes 7[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]s.

Chuck looks at me and gives off some grunt like the greasy disgusting pig he is. "I bet again.... $19.50... you cant call this because you suck so bad Spechel EDD. You cant ever call this. You can just fold."

"WRONG BITCH," I yell at his face with some of my spit thankfully hitting him, "I can RERAISE." I paused for a moment while sexually assaulting his wife mentally. "$200 staight. Straight cause its far from what you can call yourself Chuck."

He was already agitated and proceeded to turn red and angry. The few players who decided to stick around to play video games while the game finished up paused their play and started to crowd around the game after the commotion. Chuck hated getting played back at and everyone knew it.

"[censored] these table stakes Spechel EDD and [censored] you. You dont have [censored] and I know it. I can beat you."

"No you cant Chuck. You suck."

"You know what? I'm so sure I can beat you that I am willing to bet my wife on this hand if youre willing to put the freedom of your dealers life as collateral." (Chuck is a liberal pussy who thinks that human rights is as basic as water and hates that we have Tuan as our dealer, lmao what an idiot)

All I could imagine was about how I was going to slowroll his wife on the table in front of everyone just as I was about to slowroll Chuck. I started to feel very lightheaded from the mere thought of it and the massive amount of blood being sucked into one vital area from all over my body.

"Fine Fruck I'm all din and if you dont agree upon fris we will all beat you senseless." Everyone around the table who was watching nodded their heads in agreement. "Tuan, deal."

Tuan dealt a meaningless T[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img] on the river.

"[censored] ME GODDAMMIT," Chuck yelled as his wife looked on horrifed. He turned over 3[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img]3[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] "IVE BEEN COUNTERFIETED GODDAMMIT."

Everyone around the table was laughing as it was impossible for me to lose the hand. I started on my slowroll speech on the limited amount of blood my body had left to think on.

"Fruck I hate your guts. I'm so ready to take your frife that I'm gonna give her the best fourgasmmmmmm she ever will exferience." I slurred out loud. His wife was already downbeat but I won her fair and square in this game. She was going to be mine. She had her brests perk up and harden underneath her blouse. I could her the blouse starting to tear open along with the beast that lay concealed underneath the table.

I started to lift up my 3 lb card protector and stand up to show my cards to everyone how I destroyed Chuck. I could barely lift it because everyone and everything was becoming blurred from my body not having enough blood to the brain.

"Frukk... I'mmm...... gunnna...' fruckkkkkkk..... tha... fiiattttt outvee ...... ur vifffe.." Just then her blouse burst open and I was overwhelmed. I could hear my jeans tearing themselves open, no longer being able to contain itself within, it burst open and knocked the table upwards. My cards flew through the air, they no longer were protected, and landed on top of the muck pile. Tuan immediately grabs the muck and shuffles it into the deck, ships the pot to Chuck, and runs over to grasp onto Chucks wifes naked breasts as he tastes freedom for the first time. Those were the last things I remember before passing out and waking up with no one around me and Tuan nowhere in sight.

Well to get to the point is what I'm wondering is what kind've dealer I should get as Tuans replacement. I was thinking about getting a lesbian that can either give some great head but mediocre intercourse or getting a lesbian that can give great intercourse but mediocre head. I have my own dog bowl and leash left from Tuan so I dont think I need to be having to buy anything other than some dogfood.

Which one should I go for?