Three jokes for the price of one

[-beavs-]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?






A. Fish.

[SpaceAce]

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An man with autism works as a machinist in a factory. He is an incredible machinist but slightly dull and socially inept. Bored and lonely, he goes to the pet store to buy a companion.

[/ QUOTE ]

Heh, not bad. I should have seen that coming.

The turtle joke is my favorite of the ones I posted. I don't even remember when or where I first heard it, but in my whole life, I only heard it once. I'm not even sure if my version is that close to the original because I can only vaguely recall the original in the first place.

Duck, I don't think you're missing anything, the joke just doesn't suit your sense of humor. What makes it funny to me is the self-fulfilling-prophecy stupid-guy-behavior aspect. I think a lot of guys (me included) can see themselves or someone they know acting exactly like the turtle in the punchline.

SpaceAce

[SpaceAce]

[ QUOTE ]
The US accepted 2 afghani refugees into the US...

[/ QUOTE ]

Haha, also not bad. The ending is abrupt and violent, a good contrast to the setup.

SpaceAce

[SpaceAce]

[ QUOTE ]
The only joke I cracked a slight smile for was ViolentGandhi's.

The turtle joke is lame at best.

[/ QUOTE ]

Let me guess: when asked, you say you have an excellent sense of humor, right?

SpaceAce

[SpaceAce]

[ QUOTE ]
Apparently Novocaine doesn't work on Budhists. They transcend dental medication.

Booooo! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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I think I've heard this one or a variation onit, but Ilike it [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

SpaceAce

[SpaceAce]

[ QUOTE ]
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?






A. Fish.

[/ QUOTE ]

I really liked this joke the first time I heard it but it's one of those that needs to catch you by surprise to be effective.

SpaceAce

[ThaSaltCracka]

The turtle joke is quite hilarious, but not in a LOL type of way, IMO at least.

[epdaws]

Sorry in advance if this offends anyone.

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A man's wife goes out to run errands one night, and she does not come home for a while. Eventually the phone rings, and the man answers it worriedly.

"Is this Mr. Davis?" asks the voice on the other end.

"It is, can I help you?"

"Sir, this is Dr. Williams at County General Hospital. Your wife has been in a horrific car accident, I'm sorry to say. I have some good news and bad news."

"Oh my God!" Mr. Davis responds. "What's the bad news?"

The doctor explains, "We were able to keep her alive, but only with extreme luck. She has very little brain activity. She will need constant care, will need to be fed and bathed with help, and will probably have no mental function ever again. You will need to stay with her at all times, and she will probably last another 20 years."

"OH MY GOD! What - what is the good news?"

"Oh, I'm just kidding," the doctor says happily. "She's dead."

[hess]

[ QUOTE ]
The US accepted 2 afghani refugees into the US and they both went through an Americanization program for 2 years. After the program was over, the 2 men met to see how well they had adapted to the American culture.

First Refugee "Hey partner, how you doing? I am just sitting here eating my Big Mac, sippin' on a bud, and my son plays runningback for the Highschool team. What about you?"

Second Refugee "[censored] YOU TOWELHEAD!!!"

[/ QUOTE ]

Took ten seconds, but I laughed.

[troymclur]

I'm def. using the first one. Here's two i liked. One short and sweet, the second a bit longer.

Q: What does Christopher Reeves want to be for Halloween?




A: Christopher Walken.


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A man is driving down a highway in his brand new ferrari, well past 100 MPH. He barrels across a bridge just in time to see a cop with a radar gun at the end. Sure enough, a few seconds later the man is being trailed by the cop, with lights blazing. The man pulls over and the cop walks up to his window.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"I have a surgury i need to get to, i'm a doctor."

"Doctor? What kind of doctor are you?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher"

"the fuc- a RECTUM stretcher??"

"Yeah, I stretch rectums."

"How the hell do you do that?"

"Well first i lube up the hand, and slip a finger in there. Get that nice and comfy, and then i ease my way to two fingers, right? After that's good, i move on up to three, then four, and on up until i got my whole hand inside. Then i work a finger from my other hand in there, two, then three and so on, until i got both my hands up this f'ing ass. Now, i SLOWLY work the hands apart, inch by inch pulling the ass wider and wider until my hands are spread out straight across, six feet apart."

"What the [censored] are you gonna do with a six foot @sshole?"

"Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."