Hows my Application Essay pt2

TomHimself · #1 11-12-2007, 09:06 PM

I saw someone else asked for 2p2's opinion on their essay so I figure I'll do the same. ty

Basketball was everything to me until I hurt my knee. Basketball and I seemed to go together as naturally as peanut butter and jelly. At three years old, I would constantly be outside practicing my dribbling. When I wasn't outside practicing, I could be found inside watching all the games on TV. I would go in my unheated basement and turn off the lights and practice dribbling with both my hands for hours so I could be the best.

By the time I was in the sixth grade, I was playing in three different leagues: CYO, PAL, and AAU. For the AAU team I would travel an hour and half for practices, doing my homework in the car. I continued with AAU into my freshman year. That season at the first practice, I twisted my knee while driving to the basket and fell to the floor, tearing my ACL in the process. I spent the rest of the season on the bench supporting my team and in the gym enduring intense physical therapy.

By my sophomore year, I was completely recovered and ready to get back on the court. Unfortunately, I re-tore my ACL during gym class and once again found myself sidelined. I was devastated. I would be out for at least a year. There was no option this time. I needed surgery followed by six months of physical therapy twice a week. It was not till the fall of my junior year that I was 100%.

Two years of being benched for injuries gave me lots of time to think. I played varsity basketball my junior year, but it no longer was everything to me. I had plenty of time to rethink my priorities during my recuperation and I realized that there was more to life than basketball. That year off changed everything for me. I wrote for the school newspaper, and took up photography. With each new activity came new friends. I tried out for the schools baseball team. I made the team and really had a blast. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. We had a great team and won the county championship. If I hadn’t hurt my knee, I probably would have been playing AAU Spring Basketball and missed out on one the most enjoyable times of my High School career.

Basketball isn’t everything, it’s just one sport. Basketball had taken up all my time for so long. I didn’t realize how much I was missing. Now I realize that there are many options in front of me. There are many choices in life and this is the time to try new things. Each experience helps to shape who I am. I understand that bad things happen but that these things can lead to something good. Things can change very quickly in the world we live.

HugItOut BIITCH · #2 11-12-2007, 10:06 PM

Two things.

What is the essay question/topic? We cannot evaluate how well or creatively you answered the question or how well you stayed on topic without it.

In my opinion, your essay is decently written. I only read it once, but I do not think there are any serious grammatical mistakes. However, you do not really conclude anything.

I see that you are trying to show how not playing basketball allowed you to explore yourself and find other things that you enjoy doing. But your essay does not drive home that point. There are only a few sentences briefly outlining what you did in addition to basketball.

TomHimself · #3 11-12-2007, 10:40 PM

the essay is to evaluate a significant experience but i guess this could also go under a 'topic of my choice'

ty for your advice. btw i agree with what you said about conclusion and me not really expressing what else i did w/o basketball. ill try and fix some things.

the more suggestions the better [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Wyman · #4 11-12-2007, 10:52 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Basketball and I seemed to go together as naturally as peanut butter and jelly.

[/ QUOTE ]

Level?

If not, please please please delete this line. Your idea is fine, but you need to write about 15 more drafts. Remember that you're not just trying to complete an essay; you're trying to convince someone that you will be an asset to their institution of higher learning.

Kimbell175113 · #5 11-12-2007, 11:41 PM

"By the time I was in the sixth grade"
can be "By sixth grade"

"By my sophomore year"
can be "By sophomore year"

Makes them shorter and more parallel.

A bunch of little things like this can be improved. As Wyman said, just write more and more drafts.

Green Kool Aid · #6 11-13-2007, 12:09 AM

Topic is good.

As others have said, just tighten it up, get rid of the PBJ analogy, and replace the word "thing" when you find yourself using it too much.

Awesemo · #7 11-13-2007, 01:21 AM

I think that this is a good topic to write about for you. One of the things I would change is that the essay says that you lost your passion about basketball. I think it would reflect better on you if the main point was that while you were injured, you started doing all these other activities, and you realized that you hadn't been taking advantage of them earlier because you were too focused on one thing.

"i forgot how much i enjoyed it" it should probably be changed to "playing baseball" for clarity.

in the last sentence, you are trying too hard to say something profound. i would delete the last two sentences and say something like "Although my injuries from basketball were devestating at the time, they ended up opening up new opportunities to me."

I agree with a previous poster that you shouldn't go into so much detail the extent of your basketball playing: you could express that in a lot fewer words. You should spend more time focusing on the activities that you discovered, since those should be the main focus of the paper, not basketball.

pokergrader · #8 11-13-2007, 05:27 AM

Intro needs a lot of work, I don't think you should mention knee area.

2nd and 3rd paragraphs are the same idea, make that into one paragraph.

The 4th paragraph is where the essay transitions and needs to be better, along with the conclusion.

I think:

-Intro and love of basketball
-Basketball career and knee injuries
-How you responded to knee injuries and more opportunities
-How this made you a better person
-How this will affect you in the future

Is a very solid college essay. Just keep working and rewriting it.

Taso · #9 11-13-2007, 05:45 AM

Along with what everyone else said, I think you can combine a lot of those sentences. For example:

There was no option this time ; I needed surgery followed by six months of physical therapy twice a week. It was not till the fall of my junior year that I was 100%.

(Someone correct me if ^ is incorrect)

"Basketball had taken up all my time for so long , I didn’t realize how much I was missing."

That year off changed everything for me. I wrote for the school newspaper, and took up photography , and with each new activity came new friends.

Other than that,

"but it no longer was everything to me" can be better phrased "but it was no longer everything to me."

Also,

I tried out for the school ' s baseball team.

mlagoo · #10 11-13-2007, 08:57 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Intro needs a lot of work, I don't think you should mention knee area.

2nd and 3rd paragraphs are the same idea, make that into one paragraph.

The 4th paragraph is where the essay transitions and needs to be better, along with the conclusion.

I think:

-Intro and love of basketball
-Basketball career and knee injuries
-How you responded to knee injuries and more opportunities
-How this made you a better person
-How this will affect you in the future

Is a very solid college essay. Just keep working and rewriting it.

[/ QUOTE ]

this sounds pretty good