Since you asked for more, 2 more self indulgent short stories...

[JMP300z]

[ QUOTE ]
Not bad, but it seems like something you'd write in high school. Also, you come off as trying too hard to be intellectual and/or witty. There's a time and place for it, you overuse it IMO, if only because the subject matter doesn't really warrant it.

[/ QUOTE ]

A valid point... I will try to bottle up the witticisms a bit.

-JP

[JMP300z]

[ QUOTE ]
nice job on the first one - you made cursive writing interesting! But maybe you need to bring Sara back at the end somehow.

The second one needs some work. You could lose the whole first paragraph without missing it at all. Just add a "my parents said" or something to the 2nd paragraph.

I really liked the skiing analogy.

The Challenger disaster really doesn't fit. You could lose that, too. It's kind of an orphan.

I'd love to read more.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with everything you say.

The challenger paragraph was actually from the end of my brain flow to paper business when I was running on fumes. I bumped it up into the middle of the story afterwards. Def. agree about it being out of place. Also, the second one is also much more unrefined and unedited as is.

-JP

[JMP300z]

[ QUOTE ]
you have a weird hangup with checkers and third grade

[/ QUOTE ]

Yah, it was a momentous moment...despite being very competitive and loving games, im never really declared the best at anything, usually 2nd best.

-JP

[JMP300z]

Also, what does everyone think about just dropping the entire first paragraph from the cursive story. I think itd work.

-JP