CAPZ LOCK

ZeTurd · #1 05-11-2007, 07:41 PM

In the beginning, not _the_ beginning but _A_ beginning, the One True God did create the "caps lock" key and place it on the Keyboard of Life in the Garden.

And the Creator saw that it was good. And He smiled down on his creation and said, "[censored]' A!"

And it came to pass that the Lord God did become lonely and bored and wisheth most profoundly to communicate with some worthy creature.

But alas he found not a communicator worth diddly squat among those dwelling in the Garden because all lacked digits to depress the "shift" key rendering their writing almost gibberish.

So God dideth create man in his own image possessing digits to depress the "shift" key as necessary and speaketh, "THOU SHALT TOUCHETH ANY KEY ON THE KEYBOARD OF LIFE 'CEPTETH THE KEY OF LOCKING CAPS. THIS KEY THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH. FOR IFETH THOU TOUCHETH THE KEY OF LOCKING CAPS THOU SHALT BECOME AS ONE OF US, BOASTFULLY PRIDEFUL AND ARROGANT LIKE, AND THAT'LL PISS US THE [censored] OFF, ROYALLY."

So Man dideth typeth on the Keyboard of Life, depressing the "shift" key as needed, typing both in Holy capitals and lowly lowercase with an emphasis on the latter.

And the Lord God saweth and was pleased.

But it came to pass that the maneth wanted a mate, someone of his kind, that he could communicate with using the Keyboard of Life and to orally gratify him in the cool of the day. So the Lord God did cause him to go into a deep sleep and removed from him one of his pinky finger bones and from this bone He created a mate.

When the man saw that he had a mate he fret not 'bout the loss of a bone in his pinky making it more difficult to hit the "shift" key but instead got the mate to blow him whilst he typed messages to God.

And the Lord Most High saw that this was good.

But it came to pass that the mate of man discovered that her tiny little hands had only one bone in the pinky thus making it hardeth to hit the shift key. And the Serpent did see her in her melancholy and said, "WHY ART THOU INNA FUNK? DOES THOU NOT KNOWEST OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY THAT ALLOWEST EVEN A CREATURE SUCH AS I, BEREFT OF HANDS LET ALONE FINGERS, TO TYPE CAPITAL LETTERS WITH EASE?"

"Oh no," sayeth the woman, "I am forbidden to shift lock else I become one with God and pisseth him off, royally."

"[censored]. I'M NOT A GOD AND I TYPE IN ALL-CAPS ALL THE TIME. GIVE IT A SHOT...G'HEAD, G'HEAD."

So she dideth and she saw that it was good. So she immediately fired off an e-mail to the man.

When the man saweth the message he typed, "What the [censored], over?"

To which the woman proudly typed, "I USE THE CAPS LOCK KEY. IT DOES NO HARM. YOU SHOULD USE IT, TOO. IN FACT, IT MAKES IT EASIER TO TYPE LEAVING ME EXTRA ENERGY TO SUCK YOUR BALLS DRY."

The man, being a man, did say, "No [censored]?" and dideth depress the caps lock key on the Keyboard
of Life himselfeth filling his soul with power.

It was then that the Lord God dideth send an e-mail to them and findeth that their reply was in all caps he dideth [censored]' lose it and commence to kick the [censored] outta the nearest large herbivore and typeth, "YOU DAREST TO USE THE CAPS LOCK KEY? YOU BITCHES!"

"[censored] YOU, GOD!" they typed with impunity.

"WHAT! WHY I'LL SMITE THE [censored] OUTTA YOU!"

"YEAH YEAH YEAH...BLOW IT OUT YER ASS, DICKBREATH!"

To which the Lord God did grabeth them both and stuffeth them inna burlap bag and sayeth, "BLOW _THAT_ OUT YER ASS, [censored]' INGRATES! SHEEESH... GETTIN' SO A GOD-DAMN GUY CAN'T [censored]' TYPE IN ALL CAPS ROUND HERE IN PEACE." and then dump their sorry asses _outside_ the Garden wherest there exist no keyboards at all leaving them to rue the day that they ever presumed to all-cap with the Lord.

"YOU TELL 'EM, BOSS."

"OH...I GET IT. IT WAS _YOU_ THAT STARTED THIS NONSENSE, WASN'T IT?"

"ME?" asked the serpent.

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, [censored]. IT WAS YOU, ALRIGHT. MAN I'M GONNA [censored] YOUR ASS UP FOR ALL ETERNITY FOR THIS."

With that the Lord Almighty did build a hole in the fabric of the universe _really_ deep and slammed the serpent in there for all time...for as many turnings of the Wheel as their are hairs onna elephant's balls...or until some unwitting doltish human considers himself _equal_ to the Lord and allows all-caps back into the world.

"[censored]. WHATTA PISSER. NOBODY TO TALK TO ANYMORE. GUESS I'LL GO ON OFF AND JUST LET THIS SORRY-ASSED UNIVERSE FEND FOR ITSELF. [censored]' HUMANS...DAMN UNGRATEFUL PISSANTS! 'GLOBAL WARMING', YEAH, THAT'S THE TICKET"