SFW Humorous Married Checklist (question for the Married Guys)

[ChipFish]

3 things a husband needs to know:
1. "Yes Dear"
2. "You're Right"
3. "I'm sorry"

[guids]

Make sure the woman you are marrying doesnt think cooking and screwing are cities in china

[4_2_it]

Not original, but here's a few:


Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

[deadbody]

[ QUOTE ]
My fiance's father (my "father-out-law"?) sent us this last week:

[/ QUOTE ]
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant to have a little beverage, good food, and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

[/ QUOTE ]

I believe these were from the late great Rodney Dangerfield (or at least that's who I have seen it attributed to)

[sylar]

One guy is talking to another

G1 : "I am worried about my wife."
G2 : "What's with her?"
G1 : "My car."

[DrewDevil]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My fiance's father (my "father-out-law"?) sent us this last week:

[/ QUOTE ]
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant to have a little beverage, good food, and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

[/ QUOTE ]

I believe these were from the late great Rodney Dangerfield (or at least that's who I have seen it attributed to)

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm pretty sure these are Henny Youngman's.

[eleventy]

Before you read the list tell everyone that if these are boring just nod and laugh a little when you stop talking...Just pretend I'm your wife.

This might help you avoid silent stares if this comes up lame...

[ChipStorm]

Wise man say: Best way to remember your anniversary forever is to forget it once.

[fish2plus2]

Yeah watch Good Fellas and right the list.