A unique "fear" of playing

[doctorjae]

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Is it just butterflies or is it adrenaline? If it's live play you're worried about, don't be. Nobody plays perfect so don't be afraid of looking like an idiot. Even some of the big name pros admit getting antsy before a big tourney.

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this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

[whangarei]

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this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

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I may try this. I learned a similar lesson through playing baseball. I used to momentarily "see stars" (spots of white light) before a game I was gonna pitch. At first it freaked me out, but I then welcomed it as a sign that I was gaining the focus I needed for the game.

[doctorjae]

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this may have been said already, but butterflies/adrenaline (one in the same to me) is exactly what i want to feel before any big event. before a big golf tourny, a live poker tourny, and in college before all baseball games. i just learned early in my life that those feelings are supposed to be there. my dad would tell me, that they let me know that i am focused and ready to depend on my instincts. sometimes, tho, folks may misinterpret those feelings as feelings of inadequacy/fear/failure. i say try to reassociate those nervous feelings with a winning experience/attitude, etc...you'll come around...

[/ QUOTE ]

I may try this. I learned a similar lesson through playing baseball. I used to momentarily "see stars" (spots of white light) before a game I was gonna pitch. At first it freaked me out, but I then welcomed it as a sign that I was gaining the focus I needed for the game.

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that's right whangarei...i was a freshman starter at third base and in the clean up spot in college, and i know its exactly the same for pitchers (probably to a larger extent). i call it being in the zone (i didn't originate this saying, obviously) but it's what i force myself to associate the butterflies with, even if it is a little fear...but a little fear is not bad...if there was no fear, how would there be any courage?...anyhoo....

[okterrific]

I feel like that sometimes whether im running good or bad. I look at it as a minor form of Stage Fright. I just force myself to load up a few tables and im good after less then 10 minutes.

[Sykes]

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i'm now playing 2-4nl on a 375 buyin roll. how [censored] up is it that i get so frustrated by losing 2 buyins.


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... are you serious? you have 160k in your br and you cringe at losing 1k? you do realize thats the same as losing $1 if your br is $160.

also, move up, not down, to 5/10 NL at least. you're not going to feel the wins unless it's significant to you.

[AMT]

I'm slowly realizing that this problem that I outlined in the OP is a direct reflection of how I feel that I handle/approach life: I feel that I am good at certain things, and that I can work hard at them, but that it is never enough, and never quite where I want to be.

I think this also ties into people. I'm sure this is the same with a lot of you, but when people hear what I do for work, they go on the rant, either condemning it or in fascination of it. Those in fascination/awe seem to have an effect on me as blowing up what it is to me. In my mind, playing poker as my means of making money isn't such a big deal; its just another job, but most people don't see it as such, and I feel that as a result, I need to live up to a certain point to gain the acceptance and/or confirmation of success from others....I simply never feel that I've lived up to this point.

I feel that I should be making more money, playing more hands, making better decisions, etc... to achieve this acceptance as I translate it to myself, and every time I don't, or any time I screw something up (according to my own standards I suppose), I feel like there is just an insurmountable life letdown happening and I simply don't want to experience it, so by avoiding it I feel that I don't have to. By avoiding it I can talk the talk but I don't have to walk the walk [and face the failure or lack of acceptance], parse.

Finally, even though I feel that it stems from these people and these environments, I think it is really me in the end who just has some empty hole about whats being done, or lack thereof.

To clarify it really isn't anything about the actual games, I've lost 5x my current bankroll before I knew anything about 2+2 or poker in general, I think its just the place that the world seems to put me in....or the place that i'm putting myself in. And of course, it is further compounded after losing days.

Hope this helps anyone else who says they have similar thoughts, I'm not sure if any of it actually relates. This was actually a really big rant, and I'm not sure any of it makes sense. At least it functions as a blog for the night [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[pegboy]

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I'm slowly realizing that this problem that I outlined in the OP is a direct reflection of how I feel that I handle/approach life

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As I read through your OP and your last comments I can't help but think you've hit the nail on the head with your admission that fear (anxiety, apprehension, etc)is part of your general approach to life.

There are a few aspects of this realization that I'd like to comment on.

The first thing I'd like to tell you is that fear is not just a feeling that you need to deal with or overcome. I felt many of the same feelings you've described for the first 30 years of my life. I was confident, successful, stable, and deep down always a little afraid, cautious, and apprehensive. I still am. The difference now is that I know that fear is not part of me, it is me. I am, in a phrase "fear based". This realization came to me while reading a book about enneagram personality typologies. This is a fascinating and growing study of human personalities that divides us into 9 energies/personas and serves to explain basic drives that people have. I discovered that fear is not a feeling to be dealt with so much as an intrinsic part of who I am as a person. I'm loyal, dependable, and risky. I'm cautious and I'm wary.

I've got to tell you I think it was the greatest revelation of my life to know that the fear was beyond OK. It is important and most of all useful. I play poker and win because of my cautiousness. It's the same with life. I anticipate problems and so I prepare. I deal well with tragedy because I partly expect that life is a bitch sometimes. I’ll spare you further descriptions of what it is to be me. My point is that I hear you saying you’re kind of scared sometimes and I’m telling you that it may well be part of your core personality. So much a part that it will always be a part and you will always be a little scared or apprehensive of upcoming situations. My next point is that it is the very realization that this is permanently you that will set you free to rise above emotion and live a better life.

I skirt around things as well. The difference these days is that I know why I’m doing it. So I catch myself and understand myself and give myself a bit of a break.

I just hope I helped you more than not?

[yimyammer]

I feel the same way, but when I sit down it usually disappears after a few minutes.

It's like everytime I sit down to play I perceive everyone at the table to be total sharks that are going to destroy me. What I continually find shocking is that often times the majority of the players are downright awful.

I played in a $125 sit n go at the WSOP and when I first sat down, I was nervous and perceived all my opponents to be great, after a few hands, I was in awe.

Sample:

Under the gun raises 3xBB, next player reraises all in (50BB), button goes all in, under the gun calls.

Under the gun has Ah5h???, next player has QQ and Button has aces. Of course, the queens won. I was shocked to see it wasn't even as tough as my $3 STT on Stars.

Next hand I'm in the cutoff with QQ and the guy to my right raised 3BB, I reraised to 9BB and he pushed on me. I was thinking I had ran into a cooler when I made the call for all my chips. He turned over Qd10d...WTF?

I saw the same crap when I played in the main event of the WSOP in 2006.

Sometimes I get that nervous feeling when I've won a few pots in a row and then I keep getting good cards and start to fear a suck out coming because people are going to think I'm raising with junk.

I also feel this way when I have had a pretty good win. I guess I fear losing it all back.

I've been thinking I need to start doing crazy S.hit like sky diving and bungy jumping so playing poker will feel like a walk in the park.

[fitnessfreak]

i am seriously amazed at how accurately OP's current approach to poker reflects my own.

during march i was crushing msnl and was on top of the world. i didnt brag about it but i didnt mind letting anyone who criticised me for leaving my job to play poker know how well i was doing. but then in may i went through a horror stretch from which i have not recovered psychologically. i used to love playing, but now i make any excuse i can to avoid it. its not like im always losing, but i get way too affected by a few bad beats and im scared of the feeling of losing. its a helpless feeling and i think it primarily stems from a fear of feeling like [censored] from a loss and also a totally illogical fear of going broke (i am way overrolled for 2/4nl and i still live at home rent free). also, i think its the same for me that i feel by avoiding playing i dont have to feel like a failure, esp when i discuss my job with other people.

i honestly believe that this thread may be the most useful one i have ever read. if nothing else it has shown that there are others like me. i am currently in the process of going through and trying every technique suggested. im already feeling better about a few things so far. i will be sure to post anything that i think might be useful to others who are in a similar predicament.

thanks heaps to OP and everyone who posted useful replies. i hope we can all be crushing with confidence again soon [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[_Towelie_]

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i am seriously amazed at how accurately OP's current approach to poker reflects my own.

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Me too, it's really uncanny. Especially OP's third post, where he discusses the need to confirm to others that he is indeed successful, but never quite lives up to his own standards for success. Even though I currently 'do better' than most of my friends, this description fits me perfectly.

I also have the same irrational fear of going broke. I grind STTs for a living and currently have 200 BIs in my BR. my fear of going broke is so intense that I don't think i could operate on anything less than 200 BIs. How retarded is that?