Self Esteem and Insecurities

[TxSteve]

" You're already happily married, and you already have people that love you, so who the hell do you need to impress?"

agreed. but its still nice to be liked [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Coffee]

[ QUOTE ]
" You're already happily married, and you already have people that love you, so who the hell do you need to impress?"

agreed. but its still nice to be liked [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

There are six billion people on the planet. If you told me you were a single, homeless drifter with no friends, then I might see the problem. But, the truth of the matter is that you have empirical evidence that you are already liked(a wife, who I'm guessing CHOSE to marry you, most likely over someone else). It is reasonable to assume, then, that more people will like you. So just don't worry about what's going to come out of your mouth so much. Chances are, if you don't think it's boring, it probably isn't...unless you're a tax attorney. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Ironically, under no circumstances will I heed my own advice when it comes to picking up women.

[katyseagull]

I agree with what Colt and Coffee said.

As a girl who had years of self-esteem issues I want to second what they said about the importance of a father in a girl's life. This may be one of the most important factors in the development of a confident woman. I'm not saying that if a girl's father dies when she's young that she will be ruined. But what I'm saying is that if a dad neglects or ignores his daughter through childhood it has very negative consequences.

I cannot stop thinking about how my dad left me and my sisters. Seriously, what could he have been thinking? Who walks out on little girls?


I think a lot of the whole self esteem/confidence issue is influenced by your childhood environment but clearly your inherent personality plays a large role. I'm naturally quiet and always felt dumber than most other people I was around. Actually, your description of yourself is a lot like I was when I was younger. I couldn't even speak in a crowd of 3. It was terrible.


[ QUOTE ]
Typically I need to be around someone quite a bit before I can feel comfortable and show some personality etc.

These insecurities have followed me through life bringin fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc.


[/ QUOTE ]

I totally can relate to this.



Two things helped me out a lot - moving far away from my mom (who always dismissed me as "silly" and used to tell me that I'd be pretty if I'd just lose 5 more lbs) and taking that Myers-Briggs personality test. The test revealed that I'm just a real introvert and I like to live in my fantasies. I always knew it but it was nice to hear that there wasn't anything wrong with it. After I read about the personality test I kind of became happier, like I didn't need to try to change to be "normal."

I think sometimes we are hard on ourselves for not being socially adept or outgoing. But some of us just have a personality that's a lot more introspective.

[TxSteve]

sounds like you had a double whammy; absent father and a critical mom.

that would be tough.

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
sounds like you had a double whammy; absent father and a critical mom.

that would be tough.

[/ QUOTE ]


Let me tell you it sucked pretty bad. It's amazing I can pull myself out of bed in the morning and function like a normal adult.

For what its worth, if you worked with me I would probably like you. I like quiet guys who are afraid they are boring people.

[rothko]

ensuring that your child feels loved and accepted unconditionally is of the utmost importance. this doesn't just mean telling her you love her and being supportive. you really have to be active in this regard. you must make efforts to spend lots of time with her. most parents love their children, but most fail to truly love their children. this is the best thing you can do to enable your daughter to grow into a stable and healthy woman.

unfortunately, you are mostly powerless over playground love and this is likely to be where she will procure her insecurities from. it's not any certain age that it happens at, but rather certain conditions.

if you're truly there for her when the outside world fails her she'll be okay.

[JuntMonkey]

You need to read "Summerhill" by A.S. Neill as soon as possible.

Summerhill is/was a "free school" in England for children. The basic idea is that you should not be punishing, nor rewarding, nor forcing your children to share, nor forcing them to do pretty much anything assuming they will not be in danger. This includes going to school and drinking milk.

Obviously the anti-traditional school part will be a big problem for most of us since most of us are not able to homeschool, and even if we could, children need (?) to socialize. But just employing these parenting principles in your home should be enough to lessen the harm that regular school does.

Note that this has nothing to do with letting your children walk over you. You can tell them not to track mud on the kitchen floor, but they can tell you to stop playing with their toys or to get out of their room, and you have to listen. Equal rights.

Your description of your current social skills makes me think of "children should be seen and not heard". If as a child you were brought up to only speak when spoken to and to keep it short, it should be obvious what effect that would have on you as an adult.

The biggest positive thing about children raised as "Summerhill" kids is that they are supremely confident. They have no insecurities about authority figures and no social awkwardness. Supposedly when they go on job interviews as adults, the interviewers remark that they have never seen such a confident interviewee.

This is an updated version of the book, not the one I read, but I'd imagine it's as good or better:

http://www.amazon.com/Summerhill-School-...6542&sr=8-1

It's possibly the most important book I've read, whether I ever have kids or not.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
You need to read "Summerhill" by A.S. Neill as soon as possible.

Summerhill is/was a "free school" in England for children. The basic idea is that you should not be punishing, nor rewarding, nor forcing your children to share, nor forcing them to do pretty much anything assuming they will not be in danger. This includes going to school and drinking milk.

Obviously the anti-traditional school part will be a big problem for most of us since most of us are not able to homeschool, and even if we could, children need (?) to socialize. But just employing these parenting principles in your home should be enough to lessen the harm that regular school does.

Note that this has nothing to do with letting your children walk over you. You can tell them not to track mud on the kitchen floor, but they can tell you to stop playing with their toys or to get out of their room, and you have to listen. Equal rights.

Your description of your current social skills makes me think of "children should be seen and not heard". If as a child you were brought up to only speak when spoken to and to keep it short, it should be obvious what effect that would have on you as an adult.

The biggest positive thing about children raised as "Summerhill" kids is that they are supremely confident. They have no insecurities about authority figures and no social awkwardness. Supposedly when they go on job interviews as adults, the interviewers remark that they have never seen such a confident interviewee.

This is an updated version of the book, not the one I read, but I'd imagine it's as good or better:

http://www.amazon.com/Summerhill-School-...6542&sr=8-1

It's possibly the most important book I've read, whether I ever have kids or not.

[/ QUOTE ]

I remember a psychologist saying her 8 year old son still wore diapers day and night and regularly pooped them. She said he would decide himself whether that would ever stop being a good idea, and she didn't want to hurt his self esteem by being judgmental about it or applying any kind of pressure. She was very sure that he was much happier and better adapted to his social environment this way, without any "unfair" pressure from her.

I think these things can go too far, and very easily.

I also think they are often a cop-out on the part of parents who don't want to do the sometimes emotionally trying, harder work of being parents, and cover it up with blather about love and freedom and encouraging self-confidence and refusing to terrorize their children with unfair demands.

It's a hell of a lot easier to be the "nice guy" parent and pass it off as enlightenment than to take responsibility for your kids and risk them giving you a sad face or having a cry.

Some of the long-term effects of this sort of thinking and this way of raising kids seem quite a bit less than rosy to me.

[NhlNut]

op,
Link to an article in New York magazine on praise and insecurity.
I thought it was fascinating.

/ot

[katyseagull]

Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.


Whoa. That's kind of startling. Thank you for sharing that. I think there might be something to this. Whenever my mom would tell me that I was smart I felt like a fraud. Even now at my job, when my boss tells me I'm smart, I feel like a fraud. I'm just waiting for everyone to realize it.



[ QUOTE ]
Needleman has learned to say, “I like how you keep trying.” She tries to keep her praise specific, rather than general, so that a child knows exactly what she did to earn the praise (and thus can get more). She will occasionally tell a child, “You’re good at math,” but she’ll never tell a child he’s bad at math.



[/ QUOTE ]


I think this is actually excellent advice.