Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[burningyen]

To jeffnc: There are pockets of super-religious Chinese in this country. I would not discount May's mom's religious fervor.

To Joker: Not too long ago I went through an episode involving serious conflict with my then-gf's Korean parents (I'm Korean too). What I learned is that the 2nd most important question, next to El Diablo's, is how much does she love you? And re Diablo's question, "we have too good a time together," doesn't sound to me like a relationship built to withstand this kind of family pressure. Maybe you were just understating how you feel about her.

I pretty much agree with RERAISE5823. hicherbie's post is pretty spot-on too, IME.

Best of luck. I feel for you.

[oddjob]

the mother is crazy. there's no doubt about that. she has an outdated idea about doing things best for the family. sacrificing. why? who knows. maybe she sacrificed by marrying an older man, so her family didn't have a mouth to feed, or some [censored] like that. maybe her family abandoned her and she was taken in by a catholic orphanage, and that's why she has such a devotion to the church.

i don't know the details of her past obviously.

it might seem weird that i would come up with weird situations like this, but i have a similar mother.

her story does suck, but what can you do. she and her sister was abandoned by her parents at the start of the korean war, because the value of girls was not much to them apparently. she was taken in by her aunt and she raised her as her own daughter. now i think my mother has abandonment issues (obv), and i'm sure her religion in her youth was very vital for her being able to get through this [censored].

sure i'm a guy, but she expects me to marry a korean girl. she once kicked my brother out of the house when he was dating a chinese girl. she has been trying to set us up with korean girls from her church, since i'm sure we were 18 (i'm 33 he's 35). my dad, who could care less i think, as long as i'm not gay, probably due to pressures from her, tried to set me up with his friend's daughter who lives in [censored] new zealand.

i've told her time and time again that i don't' care for her church and i am not marrying a korean girl. i also told her i will probably never have kids. all very heartbreaking to her. how does she handle it? chooses to forget these conversations, and continues to try and set me up with korean girls from her church.

how did my brother handle it when he got married? he told them he was marrying a girl in 4 months. he agonized over whether he bothered invite my parents. he decided he would extend the invitation, and if they didn't come, he would know his relationship with her was probably over. well they did. my dad was actually hurt that he would thnk that way, but it was understandable, seeing as how crazy my mom can be. we had dinner a couple days before the wedding so we could all meet his fiance. my dad being a nice guy talked mostly, and tried to make her feel welcome, but it couldn't cover my mom's extreme displeasure with the situation. during the wedding, my mom, i'm sure, didn't feel happy for my brother once. instead making insults about my brother to me.

when i told her she should just be happy for my brother, she went off about never knowing about his wife before the wedding i yelled at her. along the lines about, what do you expect the way you are. never supporting, blah blah blah. she stopped after that, but i'm sure it was all forgotten after that.

so now my mom's focus is on me. she sends me emails always saying how she hopes i will find and marry a girl from her church. i'm sure i'm very messed from this. but if i ever get married i'm sure it will go down similarly to my brother's wedding, and my mom will just have to deal with it.

just as your gf's mother will have to deal with it, cause after all is said and done, it's not May's problem really. it's her mother's.

so whether she wants to do it now, or later, i'm sure she is pretty much ending her relationship with her mother. she knows this, her mother knows this. she is just dragging it out as long as she can. it's a difficult thing to do. if you do love her, and want to be with her, i think you just have to survive this ordeal, till finally she's ready to be cut off. so what if it takes 11 months? it's not an easy thing to do.

so just take those 11 months, before she absolutely has to do this thing, and figure out if you really want to be with her forever, AND if you are worth her ending her relationship with her mother. and i know, she'll have to do it anyways, even if she wasn't with you, just so she doesn't have to marry this guy. but the mother will always blame you for it.

[Kneel B4 Zod]

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despite spending 3-4 nights a week sleeping at my place for the past month)

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I hate to pile on here, and I wish you no harm, but have you really only been with this girl for 1 month?

I think it's odd that anyone could be this wrapped up in a girl/crazy situation after this short period a time.

[MaxPower]

I have seen a bunch of these relationships where the Asian girl keeps the white boyfriend a secret from her parents for years. I have not seen one of them work out.

If she is not willing to stand up to her Mom and be honest about your relationship, then she is not ready to have a serious relationship with you. You need to be clear about that. If she really cannot break free from her family expectations, then there is no chance for your relationship.

These cultural issues will never go away no matter what happens. Her mother isn't going to stop being nuts. You might think about that. Good luck.

[oddjob]

oh yah i forgot to mention.

most asian girls don't show they are batshit insane until they pop out a kid. seriously. trust me. just be aware.

this is why i won't be with one.

[MicroBob]

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"we have too good a time together," doesn't sound to me like a relationship built to withstand this kind of family pressure. Maybe you were just understating how you feel about her.

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This is kind of an aside but this is the kind of phrase that might occur to me in describing my love towards my GF and other past situations where I've been in love.
It's not a 'Friends' or 'Will and Grace' "Hey, we're good buddies" type of thing.
I think of it more as a, "Wow, we are non-stop clicking and everyday we are together is an absolute joy. We have too good a time together like all the freaking time."

Something like that.

I wouldn't read too much in PJ's supposedly understating his feelings.
My impression is that he's pretty damn head-over-heels for this girl but he's conflicted about the whole family thing she is going through and where he fits in.

Which is another point though actually:
PJ insisted that this isn't about him at all but is about her. I don't quite get that. There's a lot of this that is VERY MUCH about him.


Overall I just feel for PJ and am not sure what to suggest.

I didn't read the other thread people are referring to but I get the impression that he's not really in this for the drama and would be MUCH happier if they could just be happy together and she could introduce him to her parents like a normal GF would and their relationship could proceed like normal.


I also am not sure about the idea of telling him to cut his losses right-away. Maybe there's something to that.
But the dude's in love so that just doesn't strike me as a realistic option at this point.

They do need to have some extended real time together without the other drama-stuff to learn better if they are the real deal though. I'm not sure if that's ever going to happen though.


Overall, this tale and some of the other ones in this thread are making me appreciate my GF's family a lot more.
They are relatively traditional South American catholic but not insane-nuts traditional and have done as good a job as could possibly be expected of accepting a caucasian, non-catholic (athiest), online-poker player. They see how happy I make her which counts for a lot with them.

[SomethingClever]

Just read the OOT thread. Big red flags there.

People that are in stable relationships don't call each other up to talk about the hotties at the mall to try to make each other feel jealous. They just don't.

I have no doubt this girl is hot, the sexytimes are hot and she's sharp and funny and whatever. But she is also [censored] with your head, and has a bat-shiat-insane mother.

If you plan on continuing your relationship, I'd set a few things straight.

[MicroBob]

Okay, I just went over to the OOT thread too.

From that thread:

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In fact, she just texted me to tell me she was stuck in traffic that was so bad that she met a guy on the freeway and he gave her his number. How am I supposed to react to that? If I even hint that this bothers me, she implies that I'm insulting her by implying she might cheat on me with some random stranger.

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This is beyond terrible.
This girl is f-ing with you.
No f-ing way anyone should think that saying something like that is appropriate or funny.

She might be really cool 98% of the time but this is a REALLY bad sign.

No matter how head-over-heels you are for this girl I'm thinking the break-up and accompanying head-games has to happen sometime.

Reminds me of a semi-similar situation I had way back in the day with a really awesome but very infrequently kind of head-game girl. Heart-break sucks but looking back on it we definitely made the right decision to end it.


edit to add - IF she will actually listen to you when you explain that this type of attention-seeking and trying to get a rise out of you or whatever is not appropriate at all and learn that what she did is a mistake then I believe it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.
But she needs to be able to figure that out soon.
If she argues about how funny she thought she was or just thinks you're over-reacting and doesn't see your point at all then I think 'forget it'.

[Hellmouth]

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I'm having trouble understanding what Catholicism has to do with any of this.

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Me too. Catholicism doesn't go for this arranged marriage bs.

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He is not Catholic, and she is presumably having sex with him before marriage. Two large points against their relationship in the eyes of her parents if they were to know.

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Yeah but if he was catholic I don't think it would change anything. It is an Asian thing. Want to know what you have to look forward to if you marry her and if she marries this other guy rent the Joy Luck Club. It is crazy but I think it might actually help you put some of this in perspective for yourself. (No I am not kidding) (Yes I really do think it would help)

Greg

[MicroBob]

Joy Luck Club occured to me as well.
Yeah, it's a chick-flick. But it sure seems appropriate for this situation and I think PJ might get an idea or two (or at least find something he can identify with) by watching it.