New to OOT. Have custody of my nephews. LONG

[Shadowrun]

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Dump the wife and take care of the kids by yourself if you have to. The life of a child is precious and more important than your marriage in this case. I really feel that way.

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I find it absolutely astounding that people are actually this stupid. My wife is the single, most important person in my life -- more important than my parents, siblings, and yes, even my own children.

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10+ years from now when the kids are grown and have a brigh future, you'll be glad you stuck it out.

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LOL. And be totally alone. How stupid is this?

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Are you that scared to be alone?

Personally, if i was to face with that situation I would do everything i could to keep the kids (even if i would end up with a divorce).

[RoundGuy]

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Personally, if i was to face with that situation I would do everything i could to keep the kids (even if i would end up with a divorce).

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You did read the thread and realize they're not his kids, right? If so, you're stupid too. Sorry. I'd never give up my wife for someone else's kids. Good grief, people. Are you insane? Giving up your wife? wtf?

[Big Bend]

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Wives come and go, can always get another one if necessary.

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I'd still give my life for her. Can't say the same about a spouse.

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Wow. Just, wow. If this is the level of importance our culture currently puts on marriage, it's no wonder we're all so [censored] up.

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Wow. Just, wow! If this is the level of importance our culture puts on taking care of children in need (lets just abort all the unwanted ones, whether they're born on not) its no wonder so many kids are so [censored] up. The kids MUST MUST MUST come first! Always!

There is no debate here.

Oh and if my wife were to take my kids and move to another state, I'd move right behind her, even if I had to work at a McDonalds to be close to my kids, doing whatever it takes to stay involved in their lives. The guy who says he only sees his child once a year is a terrible parent too, I don't care if it is the wife's fault. He abandoned his child... His child suffers cause he won't give up his "good" job or whatever is keeping him from being close.

Way too many selfish a-holes around. Too many children suffer. THAT is what is wrong with society today.

L8r.. BB

[RoundGuy]

BB,

If I may ask, how old are you? Married? How many times? What is/was your marriage life like?

I think we're missing some background info here that would shed a lot of light on your current stance.

[NT!]

jesus christ, settle down people. we are talking about complex value choices, no need to start calling people stupid or crazy because they would do something different than you.

[RoundGuy]

But that's much more fun, NT! [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]
Ok, ok. Fine.

[Big Bend]

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BB,

If I may ask, how old are you? Married? How many times? What is/was your marriage life like?

I think we're missing some background info here that would shed a lot of light on your current stance.

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My personal situation has nothing to do with this. Kids come first. Period. But FWIW, 43, married 22 years, same wife who is wonderful, 2 kids.

My wife is amazing! If I had to suddenly raise some nephews who were difficult, she would be right there with me to the end and would NEVER complain or demand that I get rid of the kids, even if this had happened early in our marriage. Same thing for me if she was charged with a similar responsibility.

The OP's wife is a horrible wife. You really don't find out about someone until the times get tough, when its time to step up and take care of the people who are close to you. It would be a HUGE mistake to turn those kids back to the state just to stay married to such a [censored] [censored]. Yes, MUCH better to end up alone with no wife - and KNOW you did the right thing by the kids - than to send them away to a horrible fate of foster care.

OP knows he needs to take care of his nephews. The only reason he posted this thread is cause his [censored] of a wife is a truly selfish person. He knows this too. No amount of marriage counseling at this point will change that. She's not gona change her stripes and quit complaining and start doing what is best for the kids. If it really is a "Get rid of the kids or I'm leaving" then he should help her pack... I would never want to spend my life with an evil [censored] like that anyway.

L8r.. BB

[Toro]

Bigbend, I think you're going overboard here. We are talking about nephews here.

If it were grandchildren I would agree with you totally but not nephews, my wife would have to be onboard with it and I wouldn't even pressure her about it.

[NT!]

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The OP's wife is a horrible wife.

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This isn't a fair statement. It's incredibly challenging to take in a couple of teenagers who have just gone through a very traumatic experience, who may have major behavioral and social setbacks associated with being maltreated or neglected, and with whom you have little prior relationship. It's even harder with teenagers because of their developmental status and their need to explore their own identities. It's even HARDER when you've never been a parent yourself and don't even want children of your own.

She probably feels that there are other relatives who would be just as able to care for at least one of these boys - why don't they? The rest of the mother's own blood family has shunned her, it's basically them taking on the biggest burden. She may feel that the system is unresponsive and others are shirking their responsibilities. She may be worried that if she is doing a poor job with the boys, it's just as bad as putting them in foster care, maybe worse. And most of all, she probably feels cheated because this is not the life she agreed to when she got married. It's a partnership, both people enter it with certain needs and goals. This isn't her family and these aren't her kids. What's more, the person to whom she made the big commitment - her husband - knew all this going in.

Without knowing her and knowing more of the situation it's totally unfair to attack her.

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Yes, MUCH better to end up alone with no wife - and KNOW you did the right thing by the kids - than to send them away to a horrible fate of foster care.

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Statistically speaking, the change in the level of risk to these children increased much MORE when they were placed in foster care - even kinship care - than it would if they were moved from kinship to regular foster care or a group home. My instinct is to favor kinship care because it's the more desirable of the two options, but the truth is also that the big blow to these kids was when their mom couldn't take care of them anymore. If OP and his wife really can't provide a stable home for the boys, they need to go somewhere else.

I hope that's not the case, OP, but if it is, you still have an opportunity to make some plans and play a helping role in these boys' lives.

[Big Bend]

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The OP's wife is a horrible wife.

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This isn't a fair statement.

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Ok ya you're right. Sorry OP.. But if she was a GOOD wife, OP wouldn't have had to start this thread asking what to do.

And I certainly consider nephews & nieces as "family", even if they are distant relations you've never really known before. Yes its gona be VERY difficult for OP to do whats best for the kids. But that is what good & loving people do in times of need, they take care of their family (and their spouse's family too).

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If OP and his wife really can't provide a stable home for the boys, they need to go somewhere else.

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True.. but they have been doing a good job this last year, they can certainly continue (with the right attitude), and the kids NEED them, no matter how hard times get. Its the selfish wife that is causing problems.. if she would support her husband (and the kids) more during these difficult times everybody would be much better off.

L8r.. BB