I'm just slightly mad... BACKDOOR QUADS

[Eric Yang]

originally wrote and posted on facebook. I've calmed down since then but it is still [censored] RETARDED.

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JESUS H CHRIST.

Sometimes I think the only people that play poker online are 11-year-old chimpanzee retards who couldn’t find their own asses with both hands yet use their mommy’s credit card to play poker with their lunch money while eating their own feces instead of food.

"Hey, let's call this guy's shove all in with top set when I have an underpair… oh look, I hit my RUNNER-RUNNER QUADS for $100 just like I planned lulz!!" goes all five of this ill-evolved monkey's brain cells. If you don’t know poker, this is about as statistically likely as a purple Segway crashing into your dorm room wall exactly five seconds from now carrying two rabid Eskimos from Peru and a diseased hooker from Jupiter. Did this just happen?! I [censored] THOUGHT NOT!!!! In all seriousness, this type of [censored] is probably just slightly more probable than winning a minor lottery… so go play that, numb nuts, and don’t take my [censored] money with your ridiculous incompetence!

Here’s your first poker odds lesson, folks. With three cards already out and two cards to come, that little nancy boy had exactly two cards in the deck that he needed to topple my [censored] monster – and he needs BOTH to come out with exactly two cards to come. He has a 1/49 chance for it to come on the turn, and a 1/48 chance for the second one to come on the river. Let’s use our elementary math skills that this bag of douche bags undoubtedly lacks with his one-digit IQ to get a roughly .04% chance of this situation happening from flop to river. No, not a 4% chance; this is a .04% chance. That’s like akin to the chance of asking someone who the best looking person on the planet is and getting an answer other than a resounding ERIC [censored] YANG.

Okay. I grudgingly accept that there are people out there better than me at poker. If one of them beats me or if someone beats me and I’m outplayed, I can handle that. There’s always room to learn from my mistakes, and there’s nothing like losing money to accelerate that process. But when I make a good play and some idiot homeless post-op transvestite sucks out on me with 1-5000 odds, I feel like George Bush in a Calculus class. I am so [censored] frustrated with this game right now.

I mean, at least [censored] people who play online poker have an excuse for their inability to not hemorrhage money out of their disgusting faces: they blow, through and through. Meanwhile I collect their green and tell them they’re beautiful each in their own way. But what happens when my bitches turn on me and steal my rightful cheese through this arbitrary yet infuriating concept called "luck" and I can’t do a thing about it? Whores.

In conclusion, I rule and I hate retards who take my money. Don’t play poker, kids.