December's "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out" NC Chat thread

[daveT]

Okay. I could re-write like this:

Hello *****

*dammit, there is no way to end it. No way to just say goodbye. I guess long-term relationships are hard to keep, no matter the conditions.

Hello *****

*nope, that don't work either.

Hello *****

I decided that I am not calling you anymore. I do not feel that I have to spell out the reasons, as I believe the feelings are mutual, or rather, I am doing all of the work and you clearly don't give a two flying [censored].

*nope, that is not good either.

It's funny. Just about all of my friendships, I feel like I do most of the work, you know.

Hello *****

I realize that my life is [censored] up, and that in many ways I am [censored] up. As a good friend, I hope that you are not worrying, and I would not expect you to feel worry for me. It is best for both of us.....

*no, the martyr is never good.

Hello *****

Hearing from you over the past few years has been a joy in my life. I always looked forward to you and your thoughts. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a special girl, and I hope that you succeed and be happy in your life. I had a hope that I would be able to witness how your life turned out, and that the attachments that may have manifested would have matured in there proper directions.

I am no longer calling or writing. I feel that it is better for both of us to simply hold our memories as they are. I understand that you are creating a new world for yourself, and I understand that I am not able to be what I should promise.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and a bright light in what has at times been a dark world.

With love and best of wishes:
daveT.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
It's funny. Just about all of my friendships, I feel like I do most of the work, you know.


[/ QUOTE ]

I don't know if this is the case with you, but this is sometimes a bad sign. There are always some people who are more thoughtful and considerate than others, but it's not a market that it pays to monopolize.

If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you might be better off being more choosy about your friendships and not trying to force or increase the value of anything that doesn't already work well of its own accord.

Even if you're a really great guy, there's something in many people that turns away from those who are over-solicitous. Perhaps it makes them fear that they need to rise to that level themselves, and they might not be sure if they are able to or want to. Being too nice puts people under an implied pressure to reciprocate, and it may not be one they volunteered for. It can suffocate and even confuse and anger.

Your tone and emphasis in this thread have come across as a bit needy. Neediness combined with over-solicitousness can make being around a person with those qualities, however wonderful, feel like a trap and fraught with obligations. An attitude and outlook with more of a devil-may-care feeling and a letting 'em off the hook air can be much more relaxing to be around. And it can make you seem like you have more of a life and have other things going. Paradoxically, people may value you more when you appear to value them less. And they may treat you better if you don't always subject them to the pressure of being treated quite so well.

[ QUOTE ]
Hello *****

Hearing from you over the past few years has been a joy in my life. I always looked forward to you and your thoughts. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a special girl, and I hope that you succeed and be happy in your life. I had a hope that I would be able to witness how your life turned out, and that the attachments that may have manifested would have matured in there proper directions.

I am no longer calling or writing. I feel that it is better for both of us to simply hold our memories as they are. I understand that you are creating a new world for yourself, and I understand that I am not able to be what I should promise.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and a bright light in what has at times been a dark world.

With love and best of wishes:
daveT.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a little long and the dark world stuff sounds off point and self-pitying. The sentence about attachments and manifesting is not particularly fluid or clear. I think she already knows what your expectations might have been, anyway, so you gain nothing by reiterating them.
If you are going to write a note, I think it should be really brief and lay no blame on her for anything at all. Maybe something closer to:

Thanks for being a wonderful person and a bright light in my life. I will no longer be calling or writing, as I think our relationship has run its course, but when I think of you, the memories will be good ones. I'm glad that you are pursuing some of your dreams, and it's time for me to get started on my own. I hope we both get where we want to go and have fun getting there.

Always your friend,

Dave

Maybe that note isn't to your taste, but my basic point is that you want to keep things short and positive and make no accusations or guilt trip type things whatsoever.

[tarheeljks]

[ QUOTE ]
If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you might be better off being more choosy about your friendships and not trying to force or increase the value of anything that doesn't already work well of its own accord.

[/ QUOTE ]

i agree w/this statement as a general way of approaching all relationships whether they be platonic or romantic

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you might be better off being more choosy about your friendships and not trying to force or increase the value of anything that doesn't already work well of its own accord.

[/ QUOTE ]

i agree w/this statement as a general way of approaching all relationships whether they be platonic or romantic

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah this was a hard lesson for me to learn in my life and it's still a natural instinct to just redouble my efforts when things aren't going the way I want them to. I've gotten a lot better at not doing that and not wanting to do that, but sometimes I have to very consciously remind myself of it.

[daveT]

Thanks a lot guys.

I am torn for a ton of reasons, and I am a total wreck right now. Can't play poker, can't eat. I just thought of a bunch of long soliloques. They were probably the most inspired things I have created in a long time.

I feel the urge to cry, It is not about her, as it is about other things, but she is a manifestation of the myriad failures that I have had over my lifetime.

I don't know, I suppose I am needy, it is something to reflect on later when I am not such a basket case. I am going to go ahead and send her what Blarg wrote. I don't care if she doesn't want to read it. It is selfish of me to say that it is for me to feel better, but that is that.

[Kimbell175113]

[ QUOTE ]
Thanks a lot guys.

I am torn for a ton of reasons, and I am a total wreck right now. Can't play poker, can't eat. I just thought of a bunch of long soliloques. They were probably the most inspired things I have created in a long time.

I feel the urge to cry, It is not about her, as it is about other things, but she is a manifestation of the myriad failures that I have had over my lifetime.

I don't know, I suppose I am needy, it is something to reflect on later when I am not such a basket case. I am going to go ahead and send her what Blarg wrote. I don't care if she doesn't want to read it. It is selfish of me to say that it is for me to feel better, but that is that.

[/ QUOTE ]
1) LOZL
2) Ouch, that sucks, my condolences.
3) Write something for the contest, LDO.

[Blarg]

Hope you don't feel too bad for too long, daveT. Everybody's been there or some recognizable variation of it. It can be impossible to imagine getting past it, but almost everyone does, almost always, and you will too. Sometimes the journey sucks hard for a while, for sure.

Also,

[ QUOTE ]
It is not about her, as it is about other things, but she is a manifestation of the myriad failures that I have had over my lifetime.


[/ QUOTE ]

...don't ever get into the trap of letting one thing symbolize another. That's self-indulgence, pure torture, and an emotional death spiral if anything goes wrong, and at best unrealistic and misleading if something goes right. It's an escape from reality either way, and wastes emotional energy.

It's super hard not to think that way when depressed, though. But you have to get that kind of thought trap out of your brain as if you were hosing red ants, maggots, and ebola-laced dogpoop out from between your toes. And maybe sharks...if there were...like, these really tiny sharks...and then these sharks LIVED in the dogpoop, and...well, I think you can see where I'm going with this...

[daveT]

[img]/images/graemlins/spade.gif[/img]That mind-set has been the bane of my entire life, and it is something I am constantly working on. It's not the individual thing, but a compilation of things. I guess you get the point, but have a hard time manifesting it into words as well.

Aren't we all glad that this can't possibly continue into tomorrow? [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Actually, Blarg, I am not at the level of thinking that you are at yet, so I am probably wrong, and that is a new perspective.

I really, really want to apologize for bogging down the forum with this. Four pages, yuk! Can't look good that I come to a forum for help, but I can't possibly cry on her shoulder, now can I? [img]/images/graemlins/smirk.gif[/img]

Sending the letter lifted a huge weight. She was probably more stress than I needed. [img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]Thanks a ton, guys.

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]


I feel the urge to cry, It is not about her, as it is about other things, but she is a manifestation of the myriad failures that I have had over my lifetime.



[/ QUOTE ]



Dave,
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I really feel for you. Please don't stop eating. Take the advice of Dom and Blarg. You will not get better advice. (Those guys are really good.) I hope things look up for you real soon.

[katyseagull]

Soooo drunk on rum and punch [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]. This is a rare occasion anymore.

I am nervous about tomorrow's switch over to vbulletin. What will i do without you guys? What if i need you between now and whenever they get it up and running? Will you people still hang with us once we do the switch and everything looks weird? God i hope so.

I'm very pleased with the short story submissions we've received so far. Very pleased. I want to thank everyone who has stepped up and submitted a story. You guys are awesome and now I think I need a tissue [img]/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img]