Personal / dating / whatever life situation general advice thread

[kkcountry]

'Chair,

is this her?

[El Diablo]

Chair,

If you had a friend visiting you and staying in your guest bedroom and she ended up hooking up with him, would she be allowed to spend the night?

[Anacardo]

[ QUOTE ]
Chair,

If you had a friend visiting you and staying in your guest bedroom and she ended up hooking up with him, would she be allowed to spend the night?

[/ QUOTE ]

I feel this is reasonably likely to become a relevant question at some point, so this would be a good topic to address.

[Fast Food Knight]

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Chair has known the homey in question longer than FFK, fwiw.

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Yeah. It's a tad more complicated than people think. He has history with her and pretty much can't stand her. Therefore, if he's the one with the problem with her, I think he should talk to her about it.

[lippy]

I hate seeking advice through a forum, but here goes...

My Uncle has apparently has disowned my family. The situation will be easier understood w/ semi-chronological bullet points, so w/e;


- Uncle is Dad's brother. My family is literally the only family he had left. They always had a semi-close relationship for the difference in age (~11 yrs).
- Uncle is very successful (millionaire computer geek) and seemingly asocial. We hadn't heard of him ever having a girlfriend.
- Up until about 4 years ago, he would talk to my Dad a few times a month on the phone and we'd attempt to spend holidays together.
- He meets a Chinese woman through business, they start dating, he tells us about her, sends us pics of their trips, my parents are really happy for him.
- ~3 years ago, he falls off the map, quits returning phone calls and doesn't make any effort to contact us.
- ~2 years ago, my Dad is testing stuff at work (he works for a company that digitizes Mortgage data), types in his last name and finds out that my uncle has gotten married to his girlfriend. Needless to say, we weren't invited to the wedding.
- ~1 year ago, I try to track him down and find more gov't paperwork saying that he had sold his house and moved to another state.

Now, my Mom and I were talking about it and came to the conclusion that we need to try to get him to contact my Dad. He's getting up there in age, almost 63 and a 2pk/day smoker, and whenever the subject of his brother comes up we can tell that he's pretty upset about the whole situation.

We can honestly think of NOTHING we've done to offend either him or his wife. We'd invite him to holidays, he'd say no, that'd be the extent of it. My Dad and him would talk on the phone about random stuff for a few minutes each month, never anything bad.

Now, I'm trying to find information on him so that I can either call, write a letter or e-mail him with a plea to contact my dad. I can't find any of this information (I forgot to save his address when I had it a year ago, I feel really stupid about this). I have found his wife's e-mail address through a company they've started together (w/ a bunch of her family members...).

With the realistic chance of her forcing him away from us (which, again, makes no sense since we were never real close), dare I contact her to try to get his information?

My options are;
a) Write a semi-apologetic letter stating that we feel bad if we did anything, we'd really love to hear from him, etc
b) Trick her into giving me his cell or e-mail addy
c) Write a frank, WTF ARE YOU DOING THIS IS COMPLETELY ABSURD HOW YOUR HUSBAND TREATS MY DAD
d) Write a "Hi, this is X's son, I want to talk to X about something in his field for a school project, what's his e-mail/cell #" (or something to this effect).

I have an e-mail written that I could post if people agree w/ the option I pose. I don't know though. Such a difficult situation.

Also, my Mom would do this but there is the off-chance she did something to offend him/her. She is a somewhat strong/semi-pushy individual, but completely benevolent. Maybe something went wrong, who knows. My Dad still tries calling the number that he has every few months.

Thoughts?

[traz]

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Chair has known the homey in question longer than FFK, fwiw.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah. It's a tad more complicated than people think. He has history with her and pretty much can't stand her. Therefore, if he's the one with the problem with her, I think he should talk to her about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think it's more likely to be well received coming from a person who DOESN'T have a history of not liking her. If this is your goal then I think you should say something to represent the both of you.

['Chair]

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...
I'm normally all for direct, but turnipmonster is right: this may be a situation where the direct approach will cause problems. Maybe a group discussion when she's around and you make it clear that you aren't up for frequent, repeat guests? Probably the type of thing that will fly over her head, or that she'll think won't apply to her, but who knows....

Maybe it's best just to do it now, get it over with, and let her get over it in time for the wedding?

[/ QUOTE ]

OTB - I would bet my next 6 months mortgage payments on it.


[ QUOTE ]
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Chair,

If you had a friend visiting you and staying in your guest bedroom and she ended up hooking up with him, would she be allowed to spend the night?

[/ QUOTE ]

I feel this is reasonably likely to become a relevant question at some point, so this would be a good topic to address.

[/ QUOTE ]

D and Cardo - no problem with her spending the night w/ out of town guests.


[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Chair has known the homey in question longer than FFK, fwiw.

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah. It's a tad more complicated than people think. He has history with her and pretty much can't stand her. Therefore, if he's the one with the problem with her, I think he should talk to her about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

FFK - nice dodge.

[Azizal]

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[ QUOTE ]
...
I'm normally all for direct, but turnipmonster is right: this may be a situation where the direct approach will cause problems. Maybe a group discussion when she's around and you make it clear that you aren't up for frequent, repeat guests? Probably the type of thing that will fly over her head, or that she'll think won't apply to her, but who knows....

Maybe it's best just to do it now, get it over with, and let her get over it in time for the wedding?

[/ QUOTE ]

OTB - I would bet my next 6 months mortgage payments on it.


[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Chair,

If you had a friend visiting you and staying in your guest bedroom and she ended up hooking up with him, would she be allowed to spend the night?

[/ QUOTE ]

I feel this is reasonably likely to become a relevant question at some point, so this would be a good topic to address.

[/ QUOTE ]

D and Cardo - no problem with her spending the night w/ out of town guests.


[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Chair has known the homey in question longer than FFK, fwiw.

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah. It's a tad more complicated than people think. He has history with her and pretty much can't stand her. Therefore, if he's the one with the problem with her, I think he should talk to her about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

FFK - nice dodge.

[/ QUOTE ]

You two are engaged and buying a house together. Imo you two should deal with this together.

There's no way to tell her she can't sleep over at all without hurting her feelings. There's no way to be half-assed about it because she's a mooch and without hard boundaries a moocher will go too far. Also, without even knowing this person it seems very very likely that you are correct that an offhand convo with her in earshot will not do the trick. She will ignore it or assume that there are people other than her that you are trying to weed out.

I think your best play is to not make it about her, so she won't take it personally. Tell this girl (both of you) that you two, as soon to be newlyweds, are looking to have more privacy. Segue that into saying that you don't want any guests crashing more than X per week/month or so. It's frank but not directed at her. If she takes it hard, invite her over to smooth it over/take her out for a drink etc. Make this invitation for something that has a definite ending point so she has a clue to go home.

Basically there's no way to not hurt her feelings a little, so don't waste time trying to come up with a plan that avoids that completely. Nothing to do but get it over with.

Basically: Kind of like how you'd handle a child, give this girl a spanking then buy her ice cream.

hope this helps.

[traz]

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Basically: Kind of like how you'd handle a child, give this girl a spanking then buy her ice cream.


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That's how I handle most girls of any age

[normanfreak]

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Basically: Kind of like how you'd handle a child, give this girl a spanking then buy her ice cream.


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That's how I handle most girls of any age

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No. it's normally the other way around. Buy ice cream -> spank