Foolproof Terrorist Extermination Program

[sledghammer]

osama placebo, scott adams, the dilbert blog

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Osama released a new video. Analysts are wondering how his beard turned from grey to black. I guess his healthy lifestyle is paying dividends.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20649227/site/newsweek/

I assume this new video is from the real Osama because a fake would do a better job matching the beard. In other words, the real Osama looks too fake to be an actual fake. This raises an interesting question: How hard would it be for the CIA to create a fake Osama who looks more real than the real one?


I don’t think it would be hard. A Hollywood special effects team could pound one out in a week. Then you just need to get the other intelligence agencies to say the voice is authenticated. Bam.


The first video of the fake Osama could be one of his typical wandering diatribes against capitalism and infidels and blah, blah, blah. Once the public, especially the terrorist cells with no direct contact back to the base cave, start to believe he’s real, you can begin to sprinkle in new topics and nudge the terrorists in whatever direction you like. Remember, there’s no such thing as a story too ridiculous when you’re talking about people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid.


By the third or fourth video, Osama could be telling his followers to tattoo “Al Qaeda” on their foreheads to show their devotion and lack of fear. He could explain that martyrdom has many levels, with death being the best payoff in virgins, but lots of opportunity for virgin action short of death. For example, you could just wound yourself and still get hand action from one virgin.


Within a few weeks, all the terrorists would end up in emergency rooms with tattoos on their foreheads and semi-martyr erections. Then you just arrest them, handcuff them behind their backs, and tell them the punchline, which goes like this: “By the way, that one virgin was you. And you had your chance in the ambulance on the way over.”

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