Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)

otnemem · #1 09-26-2007, 10:05 AM

I hate ask me threads, but I thought this might be helpful for people who find themselves in a similar situation as I was recently. The moral of the story below.

The short story (EDIT - tried to do the short story, but it's just too long. If it doesn't interest you, move on): I'm 26. I moved in with my girlfriend very quickly after we started dating in September '05, despite having major doubts about the relationship. The bottom line was that we got along so well - she was smart, funny, attractive. We had different tastes in music and movies (unimportant stuff), and as documented in a previous thread, I always found her friends to be sort of tacky and stuck in their college days. But overall, she had a lot of qualities that I've never really found in a girlfriend.

The problem for me was that from the beginning of our relationship, I never felt passionately toward her. Our sex life was OK - not mind-blowing, but it existed - but for some reason, I just wasn't attracted to her in the way you need to be in a serious relationship. I understand that with time, these feelings fade, but they were never there with her.

I convinced myself that it was unimportant, because she had so many qualities I admire. So we moved in together, lived together for about a year and a half, and in June I proposed. Throughout our entire relationship, I was never honest enough with myself to admit how important this missing piece was.

So we start planning the wedding, and all of a sudden all these feelings start enveloping me. I start to realize how wrong this wedding would be - that I've just stuck myself in this relationship of comfort and convenience because I don't have the balls to break it off.

I meet someone new. I start spending time with this person. I have feelings toward this person that I'd never had toward my fiance. This troubles me. Even if this new woman is just an infatuation, it made me realize how important this raw, physical attraction is.

I become depressed. I tell my fiance I don't know why I'm having the feelings that I'm having, but that I'm questioning the engagement. Again, I understand my reasons, but I'm too much of a pussy to admit them to her. I tell her I need to take some time off. I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit. I love her as a person, but as a partner there's just nothing there.

I come back a week later and tell her that the relationship is not right for me. She starts crying, and it's terrible and difficult, but I'm calm and composed at this point because I understand it's the right decision. She packs up one bag of luggage and says she's going to her parents'.

We talk over the next week. She bobbles back and forth between wanting the apartment and not wanting the apartment. Eventually she opts to take her name off the lease. I'm now paying more than half my take-home to rent. I couldn't feel better and more relieved about my decision.

The moral: If you're in a floundering relationship that you know has no future - BREAK IT OFF NOW. Staying in it will only make things more complicated and hurtful when you finally have the balls to do what you always knew needed to be done. Many, many people find themselves in these situations and don't know what to do. The doubt, uncertainty, etc. prevents them from making the right decision. But when you make the right decision, you'll know almost instantly.

Sorry for the blog post.

bisonbison · #2 09-26-2007, 10:10 AM

Good.

KAknight · #3 09-26-2007, 10:13 AM

nevermind

DBSpecial · #4 09-26-2007, 10:15 AM

Needed Pics.

daryn · #5 09-26-2007, 10:15 AM

you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

N 82 50 24 · #6 09-26-2007, 10:21 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

tpir · #7 09-26-2007, 10:25 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I just wasn't attracted to her in the way you need to be in a serious relationship.

[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I was never honest enough with myself to admit how important this missing piece was.

[/ QUOTE ]
But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

I recently broke up with a girl for very similar reasons. And while I don't regret it. I am confused about the role of sex and if it's really as important as I was making it out to be. i.e. maybe it *shouldn't* be important and we just suck at life. Hopefully not... Interested in hearing more of your thoughts along these lines. You even said yourself that the infatuation with your new person would probably go away. So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

otnemem · #8 09-26-2007, 10:26 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

[/ QUOTE ]
You've never heard of taking time off in a relationship? Not saying this to be a dick, but I thought this was a fairly common concept (which usually ends in a permanent break).

She knew where I was. I told her I needed time alone to get my head together and really think about everything. She had no idea about the other girl. I didn't start seeing her until after the relationship was over, but we did hang out a few times while we were on the weeklong break.

EDIT: I stayed with my GUY friend - an old friend of mine.

TheNoodleMan · #9 09-26-2007, 10:26 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit.

[/ QUOTE ]
Wow. Looking at this from my perspective, if my gf or fiance ever went at stayed at another guy's house for a week and I knew about it, I wouldn't ever consider being with them again. And her stuff would be on the street.

Did she know about where you were? Did she know what was going on with the other girl? How did she react to each of those if she did?

[/ QUOTE ]

He doesn't say anything to indicate that he was staying with a girl.

otnemem · #10 09-26-2007, 10:28 AM

[ QUOTE ]
But do we really *need* this for a successful relationship? Or is it our balls yelling at us and telling us to go out and be promiscuous?

I recently broke up with a girl for very similar reasons. And while I don't regret it. I am confused about the role of sex and if it's really as important as I was making it out to be. i.e. maybe it *shouldn't* be important and we just suck at life. Hopefully not... Interested in hearing more of your thoughts along these lines. You even said yourself that the infatuation with your new person would probably go away. So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

[/ QUOTE ]
I would say it's very important. When you find yourself preferring to jerk off to internet porn than make the effort to initiate sex with your girlfriend, there are problems.

If things end with this girl, I'm single. I don't have a problem with that at all. Yeah, it's hard to find someone that you get along with on every level, but I still know I made the right decision. You have to balance your priorities in a relationship, I guess, and for me sex is a pretty big priority.