My best friend is suffering from depression - big time

[Big Bend]

My best friend, I've known since high school, we were both best men in each others weddings, etc.. Anyway he's suffered from anxiety and depression for years now, but its getting VERY bad and greatly affecting his family.

5 years ago he got fired from his job, and he hasn't worked since. His wife has a nice job so they've gotten by on her salary. He never did look much for a new job, so terrified about being rejected. Instead he went back to college and got a Chemistry degree. Now that he's graduated this last Summer he hasn't even started looking for another job.

Meanwhile his wife might be losing her job, but my friend isn't doing anything to go out and find a new one to help out. He's telling me they might lose their house if his wife gets laid off. This will be devastating to their family but again nothing is motivating him to go out and find good work.

I find this very disturbing of course, and I want to help. On most subjects my friend is VERY VERY smart (history, science, etc) but when it comes to taking care of himself and his family he's totally lost. Yet he's "too smart" to go to counseling. Massive ego here that gets in the way.

So any suggestions on how to deal with this are much appreciated. I talked to his wife today and she doesn't know what to do anymore either. She says she can't talk to her husband about jobs and stuff, their sex life is in ruins, things are going downhill fast. What should I do?

Thx.. BB

[Jamougha]

Goto doctor, get anti-depressants.

[Big Bend]

[ QUOTE ]
Goto doctor, get anti-depressants.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya, exactly.. only he's "too smart" for anti-depressants. How to convince him that he REALLY needs these to get his life back on track? Depression is just as destructive as alcoholism it seems.

[PLOlover]

if he has life insurance through her job, tell him to off himself in a way that looks like an accident (car accident off a cliff or someting).

then you can have his wife and the money.

[Jamougha]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Goto doctor, get anti-depressants.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya, exactly.. only he's "too smart" for anti-depressants. How to convince him that he REALLY needs these to get his life back on track? Depression is just as destructive as alcoholism it seems.

[/ QUOTE ]

What does 'too smart' mean here? idk get his wife to bully him into it.

[Beermantm]

Do whatever it takes to get him into a doctor!!! I don't care if you have to use a baseball bat and crazy threats get him some help now!!! That state of mind is crippling and depression doesn't give a [censored] how bright you are it will attack anyone. Try to get the best doctor you can first because not all doctors handling these things are the same!!

[Rek]

[ QUOTE ]
their sex life is in ruins

[/ QUOTE ]

I know what I'd do

[Big Bend]

[ QUOTE ]

What does 'too smart' mean here? idk get his wife to bully him into it.

[/ QUOTE ]

"too smart" means he's really a quite brilliant guy in most matters. But that has lead to having a huge ego at times, with contempt shown towards most of his fellow mankind. So he's above it all (so to speak) and can't be bothered with going to a doctor for any of this. Very sad.

As for his wife, she grew up with an alcoholic mom, and I think she just does whatever it takes to get along. She won't ask him about getting work, won't make demands, etc.. She's kind of a wuss about it all actually, takes all the stress, does all the work.. But if she gets laid off soon which is likely, thats when the caca is really gona hit the fan. My friend was saying they would probably lose their house.. So why isn't he out looking for work now?

Ya, I'm gona have to talk to him, somehow try to get thru where others haven't been able to. Good chance my friend will push me away when I try to help tho, like he has everybody else. Oh well, what are friends for.

BB

[Leibniz]

It sounds like there is very little you can do to overcome his ego. I disagree about doing "everything you can" to get him to a doctor. Even if you got him there by force, it's just going to make him more resistant to treatment. People have to seek that out for themselves for it to be effective.

It also sounds like a lot of people around him have been enablers and not putting much heat on him to live up to his responsibilities. I think if you want to say anything to your friend, it shouldn't be about your concern for him, it should be about your concern for his wife (and kids if he has them). Because at this point, it's them I'd be concerned about. The wife is the one looking for help and I'd help her in any way I could to make sure her life isn't going to go down the tubes because of your friend.

Think about it this way. You are afraid to do anything because you fear you are going to lose your friend. But is this guy really your friend anymore? I doubt he's the same person who stood beside you at your wedding. It isn't that you are going to lose him, he is already lost. So whatever you say to him is a moot point when it comes to affecting the relationship. So, I'd give it to him bluntly. That his family needs him and he is being less than a man by not stepping up to his responsibility. And at this point, his responsibility isn't to go and find a job, because his illness is making him incapable of that. His responsibility now is to swallow his pride, open his mind, and go and get some treatment.

The bottom line is, try to protect the people he is around, if he is determined to let himself go down the tubes. If he is willing to try, then give him every encouragement and support that you can, but don't enable him anymore.

[pshady]

"VERY VERY smart (history, science, etc)"

What about psychology?