parenthood and the meaning of life (long & x-posted with BBV4L)

[Marlow]

It was suggested in BBV4L that I x-post this here. I wasn't aware of this forum, but clearly this is where I should have posted to begin with. It's been lightly edited for readability and grammar.

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I've seen a few great posts here about parenthood, so I wanted to share an experience with you that might generate some interesting discussion. I’m curious about whether people are nagged by a lack of meaning in their lives. If you are thinking about kids, I’m curious to know what your thinking is now. If you are a parent, how did it change you? If you chose not to have kids, where do you stand with all this?

In the months leading up the birth of my daughter, just about everyone who had the chance told me that my life was going to change. Of course they were right, but it's interesting that no one ever asserted that I was going to change. Beyond the impact my daughter has had on my sleep schedule, ability to play cards, drink, watch football, and travel - the greatest changes have all been to my personality and outlook. Before, I was a walking existential crisis. So much of my life was devoted to exploring my place in the world, and what the whole "meaning of life" is. But after she arrived, I stopped asking these questions. I'm no longer tortured by all of that. I’m satisfied. I can't say that I know definitively what the meaning of life is, but my need to ask the question of myself and the world has ceased completely.

Anyway, I have a story I'd like to share. Yesterday my daughter turned 3. In addition to the books, toys, and other presents that we've given her, we also let her choose where we ate dinner. She decided on ice cream first, then miso soup and sushi at the Japanese restaurant next door. She loves this place because not only does she love the food, but they have a small pond with dozens of koi fish in the middle of the room. She can walk right up to the pond and peer over the side to watch the fish swim up to her in the hope that they'll be fed. For a 3 year-old, this is the best. As an added bonus, she usually meets and plays with other kids who are there, too. So last night she's there looking at and talking to the fish when three older (probably 5 years old) boys came over to the pond and start to blow on the fish as they swim by. Clearly the fish did not like this. When they were blown on, they'd quickly swim off. The boys, being boys, were delighted that they were able to agitate these creatures. My daughter watched this for a minute or so, and I could almost see her thought process: "They are older, so should I do this too? The fish don't like this, though - and I like the fish. I don't know what to do." But then she made her decision for the welfare of the fish. So she marched over to these three kids who were significantly bigger than she was and started saying "don't blow on those fish!" over and over. They paid no attention, and after a few minutes, she came back to me exasperated. I suggested that she ask more politely. Of course, I knew that this would have no effect on them, but I wanted her to keep trying, to keep doing what she thought was the right thing. I didn't want to step in and teach her that justice only happens when you turn to an authority figure. I wanted her to feel as though she could do something for a cause that was important to her. To her credit, she started to ask politely. Then they started laughing and mocking her. This only spurred her on. She was getting angry, and started slapping her knees and shouting "stop, stop, stop, blowing on those fishies!!" again and again.

At this point I'm practically in tears I'm so happy. She is demonstrating empathy for the fish. She's standing up for what she believes in, even though the boys must have been very intimidating to her, and she did not resort to violence when she became frustrated. Eventually, one of the boys started clapping aggressively close to her, and I had to step in to protect her and scold him. The kid's father then materialized and ushered him away. The episode ended, but my wife and I praised her for the rest of the night.

But this was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I was and still am bursting with pride. To me, this is what parenthood and life is all about.

[ChipWrecked]

That's awesome.

My daughter, who just turned four, I'm afraid is not quite as diplomatic. She would have asked me if she could 'whack those boys'.

The other day her one year-old brother was pestering her. She said, "One day I'm going to beat him on his ass".

I swear I don't know where she gets this stuff.

[Blarg]

Sounds like your daughter is in the mafia!

[TomE.]

[ QUOTE ]
But this was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I was and still am bursting with pride. To me, this is what parenthood and life is all about.

[/ QUOTE ]

Excellent story. I think you handled it really well, not coming to the "rescue" of your daughter when things weren't going her way. That's a mistake a lot of people make, I've seen it a thousand times having 4 kids of my own, and some times the mistake was made by myself or (more often) my wife.

I empathize with your mindset before and after having kids. Before my son was born, I was pretty irresponsible. Afterwards (but not immediately), you realize you are there for a bigger purpose than to find out why you are here, and watching kids learn and grow to be responsible people is really way more satisfying.

[thirddan]

nice story...thanks for sharing it...

sounds like youve got your act together and are doing the parent thing right...

you and your daughter are both very lucky...

[ChipWrecked]

[ QUOTE ]
Sounds like your daughter is in the mafia!

[/ QUOTE ]

She gets it from her mom.



[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[dvh]

Congratulations on your daughter, your outlook on life, and feeling the pride you do when she "succeeds" at life.

My children are 11 and 7 and I understand exactly how you feel. My daughter turns 8 next week and there is a certain sadness I feel at every birthday. Sadness only because they need me a little less each year. Sure, when tragedy (for a child) strikes I am the first they go to- but I miss combing hair, running to the store for children's tylenol at 2:00 a.m., and carrying them when they are tired.

A week ago the children were fighting, being unreasonable, and yelling. I looked at my exasperated wife and said, "20 years from now we would do almost anything to have even this moment back". She agreed and we laughed.

Children helped me understand that the joy in life is the journey, not the destination. They have given me more than I could ever repay- they have made me a better person.

Again, congratulations!

[daveT]

I am shocked that a parent (assuming you are nearer 30) would be on BBV4Life and attempt to post this there.

I never had a desire to be a parent. Perhaps I was not built with a paternal instinct, or it was ripped out of my when I was younger.

I am interested in your existential thinking. When I was 19, I thought a lot like that, but ten years later, I think: meh. Maybe that is part of the drive that pushes people toward parenthood.

I once read a quote that went like this:

Life makes a lot more sense when you have kids, and it is fun to try to make them.

That is very telling, and your post nails that home. I never understood it for me: now I understand it for other people.

[orange]

Great story, thanks for sharing.

[Blarg]

It definitely gives you a life story, at least for 20-ish years or so.