So I need help....I think this could be long

[swingdoc]

To be blunt, I'm rather concerned about you OP. Not like I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself or anything like that, but I've been where you are and it's not a good time. Here are some of the things I've learned/am learning.

#1 - It's very easy to get a let down right after accomplishing something that you've worked hard to do. Take a look at aba's blog sometime. Even he tends to have a mediocre or poor month after he had a really great month. It sounds like you had really accomplished a lot and were really on top of your game. I'd say this could be a big part of your problem, but you're about 8 months out now.

#2 - There was a definite point in my poker career where I found myself more successful than I had ever been before. For some reason, poker suddenly seemed hollow and pathetic. Money was very easy to obtain by playing. And I just didn't give a [censored] about the money. I had worked so hard to get to this point, and I was so focused on earning x dollars or playing better and better that I never really stopped to wonder if this was a goal worth pursuing. I mean, everybody wants money, right? Sometimes you get what you wish for and realize that you should have dreamed of something else. This may or may not apply to you. I don't know you and can't say, I can only say this is what I experienced.

#3 - The fact that you are convinced that you are depressed is really quite significant. Odds are, you're right. Quick quiz: Have you experienced changes in sleep - either needing more or less or trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed? Do you feel guilty a lot of the time? Do you seem to have less energy than normal? Is your concentration much worse than it used to be? Has your appetite significantly changed - either more or less? Do you feel like you're just moving and thinking slugishly?

If you answer yes to >3 of these, then there's a very good chance you are correct. You should seriously see a family doctor to talk about this. Hopefully he/she can recommend a good antidepressant (zoloft, prozac, lexapro, effexor, etc) and a good local psychologist. Good, solid therapy is just as important as correct medication. To be blunt, depression is a bitch of a disease that affects your very desire to get better. Because of this, most folks who are newly diagnosed absolutely need to medication to help them begin the process of managing the disease. You may not always need meds, but they could certainly be very useful for a while. Btw, adderall is likely not a good choice for you. It sounds a TON more like you are experiencing depression than ADD/ADHD.

#4 - Exercise/eating correctly, other good activities are great things. They can be extremely useful for a lot of things (including depression). However, I really wonder if there's something serious going on with you fundamentally. Maybe deep down you've decided you want more than just pursuing the dollar. Maybe deep down you want to start a family or whatever. Hell, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with your sexuality or your religious beliefs or anything else that's fundamental to how you identify yourself. This is where a psychologist or pastor or rabbi or whatever can really be useful. If something fundamental to who you are is in turmoil, then faking a happy, healthy life isn't ever going to make you happy.

#5 - Playing poker for a living is an extremely lonely, isolated career. I didn't believe it when I started playing, but nobody but you truly cares about how well you play and how much you win or lose. Some people prefer to work alone, unencumbered by others, but it truly isn't for me. This kind of lifestyle can suck the joy right out of life if you have the wrong personality, despite the huge salary that it can provide.

Playing poker for a living is also extremely stressful. What other job would take your money away if you didn't perform your best that day or, even worse, if you were simply unlucky? Put in 8 hours at a normal job and you're guaranteed a paycheck. Put in 8 hours playing poker and you could potentially lose a good chunk of money.

Sorry this is so long. If you ever want to talk about this kind of stuff, just PM me. Oh, and I should mention that I don't hate poker at all. I love it as a hobby, but nothing more [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Lehigh98]

I think its the curse of the unfinished trip report.

[dopp16]

[ QUOTE ]
To be blunt, I'm rather concerned about you OP. Not like I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself or anything like that, but I've been where you are and it's not a good time. Here are some of the things I've learned/am learning.

#1 - It's very easy to get a let down right after accomplishing something that you've worked hard to do. Take a look at aba's blog sometime. Even he tends to have a mediocre or poor month after he had a really great month. It sounds like you had really accomplished a lot and were really on top of your game. I'd say this could be a big part of your problem, but you're about 8 months out now.

#2 - There was a definite point in my poker career where I found myself more successful than I had ever been before. For some reason, poker suddenly seemed hollow and pathetic. Money was very easy to obtain by playing. And I just didn't give a [censored] about the money. I had worked so hard to get to this point, and I was so focused on earning x dollars or playing better and better that I never really stopped to wonder if this was a goal worth pursuing. I mean, everybody wants money, right? Sometimes you get what you wish for and realize that you should have dreamed of something else. This may or may not apply to you. I don't know you and can't say, I can only say this is what I experienced.

#3 - The fact that you are convinced that you are depressed is really quite significant. Odds are, you're right. Quick quiz: Have you experienced changes in sleep - either needing more or less or trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed? Do you feel guilty a lot of the time? Do you seem to have less energy than normal? Is your concentration much worse than it used to be? Has your appetite significantly changed - either more or less? Do you feel like you're just moving and thinking slugishly?

If you answer yes to >3 of these, then there's a very good chance you are correct. You should seriously see a family doctor to talk about this. Hopefully he/she can recommend a good antidepressant (zoloft, prozac, lexapro, effexor, etc) and a good local psychologist. Good, solid therapy is just as important as correct medication. To be blunt, depression is a bitch of a disease that affects your very desire to get better. Because of this, most folks who are newly diagnosed absolutely need to medication to help them begin the process of managing the disease. You may not always need meds, but they could certainly be very useful for a while. Btw, adderall is likely not a good choice for you. It sounds a TON more like you are experiencing depression than ADD/ADHD.

#4 - Exercise/eating correctly, other good activities are great things. They can be extremely useful for a lot of things (including depression). However, I really wonder if there's something serious going on with you fundamentally. Maybe deep down you've decided you want more than just pursuing the dollar. Maybe deep down you want to start a family or whatever. Hell, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with your sexuality or your religious beliefs or anything else that's fundamental to how you identify yourself. This is where a psychologist or pastor or rabbi or whatever can really be useful. If something fundamental to who you are is in turmoil, then faking a happy, healthy life isn't ever going to make you happy.

#5 - Playing poker for a living is an extremely lonely, isolated career. I didn't believe it when I started playing, but nobody but you truly cares about how well you play and how much you win or lose. Some people prefer to work alone, unencumbered by others, but it truly isn't for me. This kind of lifestyle can suck the joy right out of life if you have the wrong personality, despite the huge salary that it can provide.

Playing poker for a living is also extremely stressful. What other job would take your money away if you didn't perform your best that day or, even worse, if you were simply unlucky? Put in 8 hours at a normal job and you're guaranteed a paycheck. Put in 8 hours playing poker and you could potentially lose a good chunk of money.

Sorry this is so long. If you ever want to talk about this kind of stuff, just PM me. Oh, and I should mention that I don't hate poker at all. I love it as a hobby, but nothing more [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

NH Sir

[kyzerjose]

Go to a mental health professional and ask to take an MMPI.
All of the guessing in the world is NOT going to make a definitive diagnosis.
The "self destructive" tendency comment, a basic, "is that all there is?" outlook and general self-esteem questions may indicate a more complex mental health problem.
If you're having general difficulties that relate to emotional regulation and sociatal interactions, you may be suffering from "borderline personality disorder".
Meds and therapy can make a tremendous difference in your life. All of the life style adjustments that have been recommended have merit but I urge you to seek professional help. There's a certain stigma associated with having mental health problems but like yourself enough to make the first move.
While you're mulling things over get a copy of Victor Frankel's, "Man's Search for Meaning". You may find it interesting.

[Xylem]

It sounds like your Vegas trip and successful build up to it led u to think that youd fulfilled ure poker ambitions, but still werent happy.

I feel for you as im pretty sure im depressed as well, and recently have had one of my darkest episodes ever.

I am obviously not an expert in curing depression, lol, but here are a few tips:

If the poker is making u money but still not making you happy remember or think of how to make money make you happy.
Save for a holiday, car, house, investment project? Something to work towards. That should help your poker and depression.

Your dieting and excercise ideas are great. Imo a healthy body makes a healthy mind. My only suggestion is if you find the gym hard to commit to by your own weights. I now find my house excersise addictive and easy, that makes me happy.

I know how u feel about not wanting therapy. I dont either, but have seen one in the past. He didnt help much but its probably because i found it hard to open up. Maybe you could try opening up to a close friend, that would listen, if not maybe an online depression forum... Thinking about it i might do that myself.

Well anyway good luck, and remember that you definetly can beat depression.

[miami32]

Diet and exercise has done wonders for me. I'm very happy with the changes it is making in my life. First off let me thank everyone for the great advice they gave. I really appreciate it. While I think I'm depressed, I think my total lack of health was a major problem for me. I've since seen a doctor and she said some very earth shattering things. A couple people on these boards have known me for a while. I'm talking mid school. Anyone who knows me from the past knows I was always a really small kid. When I was 16 I weighed 120 and I was 5'5. Since then though I've constantly worked out or messed with my body as far as changing my diet and apperently it has had its effects on me. For instance I would hardcore diet and exercise for a while, put on a ton of muscle and then slowly turn to beer and crappy food. Well apperently that has put a major dent in my health and metabolism. It has also [censored] up my horamone balence.

I currently have to jet, so the rest of this post will be postponed for about two hours. Woops.

[Walkingman]

If you are capable of playing long sessions with no serious problems, my bet is that you do not have a mental problem. I would consider medication a last resort, and only after clinical diagnosis from more than one doctor.

My advice?
Begin with meditation. There are a million books, websites, etc. with a million different methods. Try a bunch of them, find a method you feel good about, and run with it for at least two weeks.

Take a vacation. Go somewhere, or lie at home in bed. Just try to get a good bit of sunlight and fresh air. Get some distance from poker. Breathe deeply a lot. Like, All the damn time. It really helps.

Don't allow yourself to criticize your own actions for any reason. You seem to be the kind of person who relies on himself for negative reinforcement, and as long as you are a reasonably responsible person, there is no reason not to just float around a bit, take it easy for a while. Allow yourself to be impulsive, trust yourself to make the right decision in any given situation, don't think ahead too much, especially about non-consequential things. (casual conversation, leisure time, etc.)

After some decompression, try applying the focus you have learned with poker on everything. I mean everything. Tying your shoes, brushing your teeth, conversation, everything. Remember that what you have learned from poker, or any other serious venture you take in your life can reap dividends in many other areas.

When the time comes, and you will know it, you will return to poker, and it will be a different game. Alternatively, you may come to understand that you have learned all you need to from it, and move on to different things in life. It doesn't really matter, as long as you don't force the issue.

Trust yourself.

Good luck

[Xylem]

A very nice 1st post...

Are you a psychology student?

Also, i understood all of that apart form the applying focus to everything bit... Whats that about?

[Xylem]

Ahhh, is it to stop you from living inside your own head, thereby reducing amounts of negative cognitions?

[Superman26gt]

[ QUOTE ]
I think you should try the 1 gallon of whole milk to drink in an hour thing, video it, and post it so we can watch.

I really think it will help.

[/ QUOTE ]

LOL [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]