My first contract hit

[astroglide]

i can't remember the last time i got mad at an animal for doing what i would do if i were in their shoes. i think it's cute if a canadian goose walks in front of my car, [censored] all over the street, and then hisses at me if i get out and try to get him to move because honking just isn't doing the job. i just think to myself, "if i were a goose i'd walk in front of their cars and hiss because you know what? eff them!!" i like that their program is working out for them.

and of all annoying animals with annoying traits, i might get the biggest kick out of woodpeckers. a friend had one at his house and i thought it was adorable. he didn't kill it, maybe he did the owl thing and it worked. maybe this handyman guy of yours will do the owl thing and then kill him if it doesn't work for the same hundo? tell him that your wife, gf, or some other weak-hearted person put you up to it but we all know it was me. i don't have a really compelling reason, but fwiw it would make me really happy if you at least gave the alternative a shot first. and just to cover the meat-eating hypocrisy test you issued earlier, i've cut my meat intake by about 95% over the last several months. i might post about it.

p.s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_coaching is revealing for those of us that had never heard the term

[D.L.M.]

use the bb gun, I had the same problem with a god damn woodpecker banging away at my fireplace vent, he doesnt fly off when i walk out the front door, so i shot him with my red ryder that i got when i was ten, it didnt kill him but i think it stung him and he never returned.

[Stuey]

Matt,

You have termites.

[MattSuspect]

I don't approve of killing the bird. But I do approve of the awesomeness of this thread.

[john voight]

is this OOT?

[raptor517]

[ QUOTE ]
I am not a morning person. For the past week and a half, every morning at 6am a yellow-bodied orange-headed woodpecker tries to drill a hole in the drain pipe at the corner of the house that's right above my bed. It's really loud. Drives me nuts. Second time I looked out the window and saw him, yelled, he flew away. More yelling on subsequent days. No good. He comes right back. Now he shifts his body around the corner of the house so I can't see him.

[/ QUOTE ]

this is hilarious. i can barely see, but its really funny. bwahhaha i havent read the rest but i wanted to quote it and say lol.

[Matt Flynn]

So I got woken up again today an hour later than normal by my little pecker. He pecked once, then stopped. No carcass left for me. However, I did find a beer can in the corner of the back yard. Standard. I started to do a slow and careful scan of all visible neighboring property in the line of fire, then remembered the cardinal rule - deny, deny, deny - and hightailed it back into the house.

If the little guy got laid, then problem solved for this year, and I move from contacting gansta to pimp playa, oscillatin' from the G to the P, Snoop Dog yo, etc., flash gang sign, etc.

I'm thinking of pardoning the guy. But Chad's not answering his phone. I may not be able to call off the hit. If Chad doesn't answer, I will need woodpecker recipes, preferably grilled. If Chad answers, I'll price out biologic warfare via capturing a badger.

[djames]

Can't you just tape a rubber snake to the drain pipe & be done? If that doesn't work, then call Chad.

[thatpfunk]

awesome thread. A+ for flynn, yeti, astro, and stuey.

[MortalWombat]

[ QUOTE ]
I said I'd give him $100 for the carcass of that woodpecker.

[/ QUOTE ]It seems that this could get Chad and possibly yourself in trouble with the law.

From the link: [ QUOTE ]
Woodpeckers are a federally protected bird under the North American Migratory Bird Act. Do not use lethal control on woodpeckers without contacting your Federal Wildlife Officer. You will need to institute non-lethal control strategies before you will receive permission to implement lethal control.

[/ QUOTE ]