Toss's WSOP* Adventure (A Trip Report)

[toss]

*Zero WSOP content.

You may remember me from such trip reports as Christmas in Vegas, The Second Donkening, and Commerce Baby!

If you've read any of my other trip reports, you know I love Vegas a lot. I have dreams of slinging chips, drinking booze, and stumbling about the strip with bottles of ice-cold beer in each hand. So when my friend calls me out of the blue last week on Monday, I'm deliriously elated and have my bags packed in 5 minutes. Five hours later I'm sitting at the bar in Primm Valley Casino (Buffalo Bill area). The parking lot was pizza-oven hot and it was 3AM in the f**king morning! But like any other casino it's uncomfortably cold inside. The place is also empty. The bartender decides to be awesome and gives us free drinks. I toss him a fiver while I take my first sip of Red-Bull & Vodka: my favorite get-drunk-quick drink. My three friends order Midori Sours (pussies!) We're having a blast losing cash at video poker until 40-something degen sits next to us and starts spewing out nonsense. He says he owns a hotel (sure Bob), knows how to beat video poker (whatever), and points out which seats are hot. He gets close to my friend's ear and whispers "That seat that woman is sitting in. That's the one you want to play. If only that b**ch wasn't sitting there." And it's time to leave. My friends call it a night and I make my way to Primm's crummy-ass poker room.

2-6 Spread limit was the only table that was running. I buy $200 worth of blues from a very bored floorman and take a seat to the left of the most degen looking of the group... might as well sit in a random seat. Table is composed of the usual: two old-timers, 3 middle-aged, 2 young-uns, and a skinny Asian kid (Toss). They also look tired as hell. In my last two Vegas trips I lost a ton in poker; partly due to running bad and partly due to drunken monkey tilt. So to avoid repeating my past mistakes, I play a tight-solid game. 76s? I don't need play this early position. ATo? might as well fold since all the pots are 5-way+. I'm playing tight-solid poker -- hell I'll fold all night if I have to. Don't need to do anything stupid. What's this? I straddled UTG? When did I do that? Might as well 3-bet blind. 5 to the flop and a lot of chips in the middle. Board comes AJ6r. I look at my cards to find A7o. I value bet every street and immediately flip over my cards. One of the old-timers show A5o and shakes his head while saying "Can't believe you played that hand." Hah! I drag a huge pot and toss a handful of chips at the dealer. The dealer asks, "For me?" I say, "For putting the ace out there."

The rest of the session goes uneventfully. I leave the table up $60, 2 Red-Bull and Vodkas, 4 Newcastles, an OJ, and a water. I get into bed and close my eyes.

Five minutes later I'm sitting at the Blackjack table flat-betting the $3 minimum. How can I sleep in Vegas? It's hard to have a good Blackjack story betting mere dollars at 5AM in the morning with some old fart so I'll skip to the strip. I snooze very lightly for 15 minutes in the car and wake up to see Chipotle -- home of the gut-busting burrito. I'm still feeling it from last night so I order a meatless salad. My friends all get burritos and they all somehow manage to finish it. We speculate on whether it's possible to finish two and I try to start bets; alas, no bets are made since none of my friends are degenerate as I am.

The Imperial Palace, what can I say. It's on the strip, it's cheap, and the shower has good pressure. Excellent choice for the balla on a budget. My only complaint is the distance from the parking lot to the casino floor; unjustifiably long. Maybe that's why it's getting torn down soon. As we walk through the casino floor we come across the "Dealertainers" they're oh-so-famous for.



Geebus it's like a car accident on the freeway. We walk, we slow-down, and we gawk at the ridiculous get-up they're in. If I ever had this for I living, I would probably set myself on fire then jump on a bridge. Anyway, nothing happens until night.

The cabbie was a thirty-something Indian guy originally from LA. He regrets moving here. "It's a great city to visit, but a horrible to place to live." Can this statement be any truer? I ask him what he thinks the standard tip should be. "Anything is fine. I don't care if it's only 20 cents. I know some cab drivers get angry at less than $3, but a tip is a tip." As he talks he uses the standard Indian hand gestures and contorted facial expressions. I ask him about what it's like to be a cabbie. "Very stressful job. You have people throwing up in your car, you have other drivers flipping you off, you got the company taking all your money. It's a very hard job to do. Some months you get very little tips and some months you get a lot. That's why I think so many cab drivers are so mad all the time." Just like poker player amirite? I pay $15 for a $10 ride and we head upstairs to the Ghost Bar.

Part 2 (Ghostbar and craps) to follow tomorrow.

[mingorama]

Why would you spend ANY time in Primm? I can almost understand doing the IP thing, but why waste time at Primm?

[ThaHero]

If this is anything like your previous TRs, this should be a great read.

[Arbitrage]

hope pt II is up by my lunch break [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Tryptamean]

good so far

[toss]

For someone reason I'm not going to bother to research, the Ghostbar skips the 54th floor right to the 55th floor. Elevators are the only ways in and out; I guess it adds to the mystique of the place or whatever. It's eleven o'clock, but we get in easily since it's a freakin' Tuesday. The club is dark and loud with only the combined residual lights of the rest of Vegas to light your path. Did I mention it has a spectacular view?



Well you can't really tell in this picture, but you're just going to have to take my word for it. We take a seat at an empty table and one of my friend orders the first round of drinks: four Adios. If you don't know what an Adios is, you're missing out. 95% various hard liquors, 4% soda water, and 1% blue means it'll get you drunk. I inhale mines while my friends wait for the ice to melt. I scope out the crowd and judging by the silhouettes, at least 75% of the people are guys -- a major beat indeed. My friend assures me that it's much better on the weekend; they'll straight up tell a group of friends that the girls can go up while the guys can go jackoff downstairs. My friends manage to finish their drinks so I buy another round. Something I've learned on this trip: It's a lot easier to drink a $12 cocktail instead of that Dr. Pepper and SoCo back in your hotel room. I drank every single drop, ate all the ice, and started chewing at the plastic cup. Fifty feck-ing dollars for four drinks means you better make it count.

I have a good buzz going (I've been drinking all day too) so I feel like making a fool out of myself on the dance floor. My buddy tells me, "If we see two chicks together, we're definitely going to dance with them." We wait and wait but don't see any spots. That'll happen when the ratio of dicks to chicks is 3 to 1. When we finally see an open spot (two girls freaking each other) I motion my buddy to get up. "Dude, they're like a full foot taller than us, I can't." That was true and I only notice the fact after my friend tells me so. I sit back down -- yeah I'm a pussy. I order a third round to build my courage, but my friends can't take anymore. The other Asian of our quartet has a purple face; the dark-blue strobe light plus his bright red face was the reason. He goes to throw up while the girl of our group makes sure he doesn't trip on the way there. Two women with large breast walk by our table and notice an the skinny little asian kid and an Armenian sitting all by themselves. Next thing I know I have two melons draped over my head... yes they were heavy. Anymore and my neck would break. "Free lapdances, bring your friends", she says in that sultry stripper speak. Then they scurry off they find their next targets. Didn't enjoy the [censored] on my head one bit; guess I'm not one of those cash-to-touch-my-fun-parts kind of guys.

We're back downstairs. The cheese pizza I had for dinner is resurfacing in my mouth but I'm pushing it back down like an expert. What to do, what to do? Ahah! Is that a craps table I see? I drag my friends over to one side of the table. Craps Rule #1: It's impossible to explain someone how craps works. They just have to see with their own eyes. Shooter craps and I pick up the dice. "All you got to do is roll the dice", I say. $10 on the passline and I let the dice fly. A six is my point. Craps Rule #2: You must believe in the heart of the dice in order to make your points. I believe with all my heart so I end up making my point. EZ money. Craps Rule #3: Never try to force an outcome. Place your trust in the dice and they'll take care of the rest. I yell out "7,11,shipithollaballa!" and the dice punished me with snake eyes instead. I prod my friends into rolling the bones and they eventually do. All three of crap out after 2 or 3 rolls. They didn't believe in the heart of the dice.

The cabbie was an African man who spent most of the ride on his cell phone. The total is something like $8.80. I paid with a twenty and ask for $9 back. He pulls out $8 and fake-searches for another dollar. I stupidly oblige and tell him it's okay.

Everyone is dead tired. We all fall asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

Next part: The Wynn Buffet and poker at the palace.

[scoresman]

Toss, your trip reports are the best. I can't wait to read the rest

[Bluegrass Poker]

I fully expect to see a late night movie on Cinemax some night called "Adventures in Toss Vegas!" based solely on Toss' trip reports.

Of course I will DVR it so I can watch it over and over.

[toss]

We wake up completely refreshed despite last night's binge-fest. I remember drinking 5 Adios (my friends couldn't do a third round) and I was constantly drinking the whole day too. Surprisingly I did not vomit; just need to fade one more day and I'll have a non-vomit Vegas trip! Everyone else is hungry so we head to the best buffet in town: Circus Circus breakfast buffet... like hell we did. We went straight to the Wynn buffet. This Wynn guy really knows what he's doing. A hotel building that screams luxury, fancy-ass restrooms, and a godly buffet, if anyone says differently may he get hit in the crotch by a football. The staff is spectacular, the decor can't be match, the food is way too good for a buffet. I could eat 5 or 6 bowls of sweet potato pudding alone and the $25 price would be worth it. The roast beef gushed with flavorful blood and juices. The coconut ice cream paired with crushed butterfinger topping is almost enough to make you orgasm. I usually don't eat a lot in Vegas (I've always been like that), but I put away 4 dishes easy. After the meal we leaned back in our chairs and stared blissfully at the ceiling. One of my friend works a minimum wage job meaning it would take about 4 hours of work to pay for this meal. He said it was well worth it.

After hobbling out of The Buffet, I decide to give a little back to the Wynn and visit their restroom. Wynn's restroom... I felt like a king taking a dump. Marble everywhere you see, no hint of poop or piss stains anywhere, and it smells goot too. Stalls are separated in a way so you never hear that guy trying to pass a brick out of his ass. Wynn could charge $5 and I'd gladly pay for the pleasure. I could go on and on about the rest of Wynn, but I won't. You'll just have to see for yourself.

From Wynn to Circus Circus. Not as startling as my transition from Wynn to Stratosphere, but you get the point. It's like going from top-shelf booze at the titty bar to guzzling cheap cologne in dark dirty alley. We go find some carnival games because that's the only reason we would come here. The horse racing game with the balls. You know the one I'm talking about; roll a ball into some holes and have your horse finish first to win a prize. I hate that game so much just because I can never win. The girl of our group wins every single time, probably because she cheated. Yeah I'm bitter. We play more stupid rigged carnival games and I drop $20 pretty easily.

Ahh craps, how I love thee. You aren't rigged like those stupid carny games. We find a table downstairs and I order a Newcastle. They don't have that. Sam Adams? Nope. Any sort of brown ale? You wish. A Corona? Ding ding ding! More proof that the booze they serve matches with the clientèle. Craps Rule #5: Always bet the passline and back for full odds when a degenerate is rolling. A guy with a mullet and a Nascar racing cap grabs two of the five dice after placing a redbird on the passline. I also put down a redbird on the passline. He rolls the dice while shouting something degenerate. I couldn't tell what he was saying, but the way he said it was degenerate, I can tell you that much. He rolls a seven and I clap my hands once like a retarded seal. That's how I like to celebrate my gambling wins. He rolls a ten this time. I back for full odds and buy the six and the eight because I believe in my heart that he'll go on a heater; he ended rolling for more than 30 minutes. The table has swelled from 5 or 6 random people to 25+ degens high on action. My hands are sore from clapping so much. I'm up a couple hundred with only $6 on 8 and 6 plus the passline bets too. I have no idea how people running the craps table take care of all the bets. Chips were flying everywhere onto each and every one of the betting spaces. The craps jargon was being thrown around as much as the chips. The redneck shooter received a solid round of applause after he finally crapped out. In short, you haven't lived until you've been at a craps table with a red-hot shooter.

Next part: Sport betting. Monkey tilt poker.

[rapidacid]

[ QUOTE ]
He rolls a seven and I clap my hands once like a retarded seal.

[/ QUOTE ]

Very nice.