I suck at (micro stakes) poker and life

[Dex]

Beat: just got completely owned at micro stakes (and I was actually trying)
Beat: I stopped because I was going on tilt AT MICRO STAKES
Beat: I used to play 5/10NL on that site

Here's some advice for all you wannabe micro ballas:

1. If some douchebag raises every hand for 27 hands in a row, it's not because he's a douchebag, it's because he flopped the nuts 27 times in a row.

2. Don't ever bluff ever ever ever ever ever.

3. If you river a boat OOP against the retard that thinks it's fun to push every river every hand, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T CHECK BECAUSE HE WILL CHECK BEHIND WITH HIS TRIPS.

4. DO NOT BLUFF ANYONE AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON. THIS INCLUDES "STANDARD" CONTINUATION BETS, SEMI BLUFFS, OR PUTTING ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY INTO THE POT WITH ANYTHING THAT ISN'T A LOCK.

5. No one except you looks at the board.

6. Theoretical optimal bluffing frequency is 0%. For more information on this concept, see The Theory of Poker by David Sklansky.

7. Don't bother trying to pay attention to how each player is playing, because it won't matter.

8. Take the time to learn optimal micro stakes play: close your eyes, move the mouse around, and start clicking until you click a random button. Your opponents have mastered these techniques, and so should you.

9. DO NOT BLUFF ANYONE REGARDLESS OF YOUR READ ON THEM, THEIR STATS, HOW THEY HAVE BEEN ACTING, HOW YOU THINK THEY PERCEIVE YOU, WHAT HAND YOU THINK/KNOW THEY HAVE, THE FACT THAT ANY RETARD WOULD FOLD THE HAND THAT THEY HAVE BASED ON WHATEVER IS ON THE BOARD, OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY AMOUNT, EVER.

10. Don't bluff.