expectations...

[limon]

so today while i was taking a dump i was thinking about some people who are pissed at me (and unhappy in general)and wondering why they are the way they are and im the way i am. it seemed to boil down to expectations. the most sad disgruntled people i know have the most expectations of other people while the most happy carefree people i know have the least expectations of other people...is it this simple? (by expectations i mean unsolicited unagreed to expectations not the expectation that an explicit arrangement will be met)

[gumpzilla]

I doubt this is all there is to it, but I think you make a pretty solid point.

[SlowHabit]

I try my best to not have expectations for others because I'm often disappointed. If they deliver, then great. If not, cool -- not a surprise.

It's a sad way to think but it does protect some future pain.

[Mingdu]

These are 2 of the 4 agreements Miguel Ruiz wrote a book about. Some wacky, peyote filled dreams in it but his laws for living are solid when you get past the fluff

I think they describe what you are referring to

Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

[ImsaKidd]

I always do my best thinking while taking a dump.

[NoahSD]

[ QUOTE ]
so today while i was taking a dump i was thinking about some people who are pissed at me (and unhappy in general)and wondering why they are the way they are and im the way i am. it seemed to boil down to expectations. the most sad disgruntled people i know have the most expectations of other people while the most happy carefree people i know have the least expectations of other people...is it this simple? (by expectations i mean unsolicited unagreed to expectations not the expectation that an explicit arrangement will be met)

[/ QUOTE ]

I think this is way off. I mean.. I definitely know unhappy people who have low expectations of others. Can't think of anyone who has unusually high expectations of others and is happy--I assume this is very rare.

But, there are so many factors that are way more important.

There's the sort of game theory aspect of life in which you make conscious choices (what school to go to, job to get, where to live, who to marry, whether to go out or stay in on Saturday, etc.) to maximize your happiness.

There's the half full/half empty thing, which is IMHO not as correlated with expectations as you'd think.

There's confidence in yourself, which probably has a lot to do with how good you are at stuff, how good you look, etc. but also has a lot to do with attitude. Again, I don't think this is really that correlated with expectations because you have two sort of stereotypes of really confident people on totally opposite ends of the expectations spectrum--the guy who's constantly trying to improve himself and has confidence in himself because he works so hard and therefore succeeds a lot, and the guy who just sort of doesn't feel the need to prove himself. You also have types of people who have severe lacks of confidence on both sides of the expectation spectrum--people who never feel they've lived up to their own expectations, and people who are hopeless.

I think the correlation really only works at the very extreme side of high expectations--i.e. people who are just totally guaranteed to be disappointed by everything.

[El Diablo]

limon,

A largely obvious observation here. I think wrt your specific point, it's a matter of having accurate expectations of people, rather than just having expectations. I have very low expectations of random people and very high expectations of my friends. I generally am not disappointed with people because I am a pretty good judge of people and my relationship with them, and set my expectations accordingly.

[guids]

[ QUOTE ]
limon,

A largely obvious observation here. I think wrt your specific point, it's a matter of having accurate expectations of people, rather than just having expectations. I have very low expectations of random people and very high expectations of my friends. I generally am not disappointed with people because I am a pretty good judge of people and my relationship with them, and set my expectations accordingly.

[/ QUOTE ]


http://www.twoplustwo.com/gambling.html


One thing I will give 2p2 credit for is enabling me to apply black and white/mathematical strategies where I never would have before (usually socially).

[RicoTubbs]

Barry Schwartz gave an interesting presentation called The Paradox of Choice at the TED conference. His argument is that greater choice leads to unreasonably high expectations, which subsequently leads to greater likelihood of disappointment. As one example, if you go to a grocery store to buy salad dressing and they only sell one, you'll buy it and expect that you might like it and you might not. You will probably not be disappointed by it because you had relatively low expectations. On the other hand, if you are choosing from among 175 different salad dressings and you choose just one, you have basically decided that you picked the absolute best salad dressing out of a very large population, which means that your expectations will be very high. Choice leads to unhappiness, by way of high expectations.

There is also a study that shows Denmark leads the Western world in terms of happiness and the reason is because Danes have low expectations.

BTW, TED conference talks are awesome. They're available as podcasts or on the ted website (www.ted.com). My favorite is the Hans Rosling presentation that uses statistics in the most compelling way I've ever seen.

[Boris]

[ QUOTE ]
T When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

[/ QUOTE ]

When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you are a sociopath.