Infidelity

[garcia1000]

Yeah, I think in this situation, no infidelity exception would work better than one.

Sorry OP. Sucks.

[Lottery Larry]

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agreed. However, my original intention for starting this thread is to wake people up to the reality that infidelity is a serious problem.

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This seems like a new problem to you?

[Lottery Larry]

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Yeah, I think in this situation, no infidelity exception would work better than one.


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garcia, either I'm tired or stupid. This isn't translating, but I suspect you used quick reply to answer something else?

If not, can you edjumicate me, please?

[slim]

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Slim, I'm confused- where are you going, with all of this "affairs are an addiction/let's learn about affairs" information?

Are you trying to educate those of us less informed? Are you exploring/agonizing over why it happened? Is this part of a process where you try to fix your relationship for real and save it? Are you grasping at some reason to justify/excuse her behavior?

It seems to me that you're really starting to get lost in all of this. It doesn't seem like a healthy path

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My point in pointing out the addiction issue is to raise awareness and create discussion on infidelity bc unless you have actually gone through it and have done some research on it, most people will have this misguided belief that affairs are about sex and that "bad" or "immoral" people have affairs. Because of the shear number of people involved in affairs and the number of families ripped apart by affairs, I think it deserves more attention than gambling,alcohol and drugs.

As for me grasping or making excuses for my wife's behaviour, I don't believe I am doing that. I think she is weak and selfish for falling into the infidelity trap. I am not making excuses for her. I think that if people understand that it is an addiction issue, they will be better able to handle it if it happens to them.

[bisonbison]

Jesus, some of the posters in this thread should be banned for being such complete jackasses.

Yeah, someone get right on that.

The OP is pouring his heart out on these boards, and we're getting [censored] like, 'cliff notes, op can't lay the pipe.'

The OP is calling for the criminalization of extra-marital sex.

Give the dude a break. Try to help a fellow 2+2er a lift up in a down time in his life.

Here's a lift: your wife cheated on you. She once loved you as fully as she thought possible, and still her love faded and was replaced by a longing for another man. She no longer thinks of you beyond her guilt over the pain she has caused. In the quiet times, her thoughts shift to your children and she feels pangs only for the story she must tell.

There is no guarantee that any woman will ever love you again, or that that love will lie secure in some new woman's breast when you are briefly parted. No heart is tenured to your own, and no service will secure it. If you nurture your anger you will die friendless and alone.

[membersclub]

OP, I get the impression that you are rationalizing, almost defending, your wife's adultery. As though infidelity were some kind of indiscriminate affliction which was unfortunately contracted by your vulnerable wife who had no control over the events that transpired. What a load of BS. Infidelity is a conscious choice.

[slim]

Here is an excerpt from a book about infidelity. It is written in conversation form. It talks about the chemicals involved in affair addictions. I read about the same chemicals in another book on affairs called "after the affair".




If you had to name that feeling, what would you call it?
You mean infatuation…that’s what you’re talking about, right?
Most men I have talked to call it infatuation, but most of the
women I have talked to call it being in love.
But it is infatuation. Why would women think it’s anything
else? Everybody knows that feeling wears off.
No, they don’t. Many people today are looking for soul mates.
They think if they find the right person, the intensity will last.
Women in particular may believe that intense feelings can last.
They’ve been taught to believe that they should only want sex
with someone they love. So when a woman desires a man, she
thinks she is in love, and when the desire fades she thinks she is
out of love. Many men harbor the same illusion at some point in
their lives.
I don’t think guys ever confuse infatuation with love. We know
that the feeling goes away.
Really? Wasn’t it a woman that led to your divorce from Jill?
Do you remember everything? Why are you bringing that up?
As I recall, after you divorced Jill to be with Judy—you know,
the woman you just couldn’t live without—the relationship only
lasted about a year.
Thanks for reminding me of that, but I was young. I didn’t
know any better back then. Now I know what I did was stupid.
Why do you think I don’t screw around now? I learn from my
mistakes.
Kevin, you weren’t just stupid. You were young, horny, and
high as a kite. Look, the feeling many women—and men—associate
with “being in love” is actually due to a chemical that gets
released in our brains when we are attracted to someone. The brain
chemical is called pheylethylamine, or PEA for short. The feeling
experienced when PEA is triggered in the brain is similar to theChapter 1: Are Women Naturally Monogamous? 13
feeling one would experience after snorting cocaine. PEA is a euphoria-
inducing stimulant.
Really?
Yes. The effects of PEA can last longer than stimulants that are
ingested. And we have the ability to increase PEA levels with our
thoughts.
How does that work?
Just thinking about a person can increase levels of PEA, which
is why we spend so much time fantasizing about the people we
are attracted to. It gives us a buzz. But, the more we’re around the
person, the less capable we are of experiencing the high we felt in
the beginning of the relationship. Our bodies build up a tolerance
to PEA, much as they do to some of the drugs we smoke, snort, or
ingest. Also, as with drugs, PEA is addictive.
So if your wife is seeing someone, she may think she’s in love
with the guy, but in actuality she may be addicted to the high she
gets from being around him and from thinking about him.
If this is really what’s going on with Tracey, what can I do to
stop it?
Kevin, I want to ask you something, and when I ask, please
don’t think I’m trying to be cruel. I just want to help you understand.
Ask me.
Was there anything that your first wife could have done to
keep you from leaving her?
That hurts.
I didn’t ask the question to make you feel bad. I’m trying to
help you understand. So, can you tell me, what could your first
wife have done to prevent your leaving?
Nothing. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. Now, I don’t
know what to do. I don’t want my daughters to have to go through
all that pain that my son went through when I left him and his14 Women’s Infidelity
mom. I still think about what I put them through.
Kevin, I know that you still grieve over the breakup and that
you didn’t intend to hurt anyone. You simply didn’t understand
what you were feeling at the time. We call it being in love, but it
would be more accurate if instead we called it being “on love,”
because it’s not very different from being on a drug. In the book
Mean Genes, the authors say, “… drugs generally mimic chemicals
used by our body during normal functioning.”4
The chemicals in our body are similar to drugs. Particular behaviors
lead to specific increases or “shots” of certain chemicals
in the brain. The two chemicals involved in the sensation we call
love are similar to cocaine and heroin. The feeling we experience
at the beginning of a relationship is a combination of being hyper,
excited and euphoric. We lose our appetite and don’t need as
much sleep. We feel as though we’ve found the key to the universe.
We fantasize and obsess over the person we are attracted
to. I remember when I met my husband, I used to fantasize about
how awesome domesticity would be. I actually daydreamed about
doing his laundry and washing our dishes.
You? That’s hard to believe.
Embarrassingly, I did. The feeling of being in love is similar to
the feeling produced by snorting cocaine. I have a theory that under
certain circumstances—such as an affair—some people experience
a feeling that is closer to the high produced by smoking
crack—a higher high, so to speak. But we can talk about my theories
later.
The feeling we experience after the high, which occurs naturally
if we are frequently and consistently with the same person, is
called attachment. It’s the bondedness that you experience with
Tracey. But unlike attraction, which is similar to the feelings we
get from amphetamines, attachment is more like a narcotic—morphine
or heroin, for example. Narcotics give us a relaxed, comfortable
feeling. Living with someone, or seeing someone regularly
for a long period of time, causes the release of chemicals in
our bodies. It happens naturally and without our knowing it, but
it’s comparable to getting regular shots of heroin or morphine. This
is the feeling many people call, “true love,” or “real love.” It’s also
similar to the bond you share with your kids.

[slim]

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OP, I get the impression that you are rationalizing, almost defending, your wife's adultery. As though infidelity were some kind of indiscriminate affliction which was unfortunately contracted by your vulnerable wife who had no control over the events that transpired. What a load of BS. Infidelity is a conscious choice.

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100% agree it is a conscious choice. But the illusion of thinking that her feelings with her boss and her own rationalizations for having the affair are from a chemically altered brain. Kind of like how someone who is addicted to slot machines truly believe that they will win all their money back on their next spin. These same people who are not addicted to slots knows it's a losing proposition but once addicted, they believe they can win.

[garcia1000]

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Yeah, I think in this situation, no infidelity exception would work better than one.


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garcia, either I'm tired or stupid. This isn't translating, but I suspect you used quick reply to answer something else?

If not, can you edjumicate me, please?

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I asked about something similar here

[slim]

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Treating infidelity like an addiction but prosecuting it like a crime is insane.

No doubt most people should do more to talk about their problems, fears, etc, in their relationships. That's why the answer to 99.9% of the marriage problems in this forum is "See a marriage counselor immediately." Removing the stigma from admitting that we all have problems from time to time is a great idea that would probably result in more successful marriages. This is also why criminalizing it makes no sense.

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I don't know that it is "insane". Debateable but not insane.

Is child molestation not a crime? The perpetrator has urges that he/she takes out on a child. The impact of the assault is that the child will have psychological damage for his/her life. For that, the perpetrator should be punished. In infidelity, the betrayed spouse is also forever scarred. He/she has to deal with guilt, shame and inability to trust in the future. Just as a child of abuse cannot defend themselves, the betrayed spouse cannot defend themselves bc they are being misled by someone they thought they could trust. Also, often times children are affected by infidelity. I don't know if infidelity should really be a crime, but it's not a far stretch.