12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues - Page 2

LittleOldLady · #11 03-28-2006, 08:15 PM

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I know there are some well respected people here in the psychology field. I'm hoping for some advice on my 12 year old daughter.

Basically she has been a handful from the minute she was born. Labor was long a nd tough for my wife. The first night we brought her home we almost took her back [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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You can be sure that on some level, she knows that. Examine your own attitudes. DO you love her, but not like her? If so, she will sense that and act accordingly. There is nothing more devastating to a child when she/he gets the idea (rightly or wrongly), that he/she is far from her/his parents' notion of the ideal child.

I would recommend counseling sooner rather than later. This strikes me as more than the usual adolescent angst.

send_the_msg · #12 03-28-2006, 08:49 PM

let her do something you normally wouldn't let her do and would surprise her. aka sit her in your lap and let her drive the car. go paintballing. etc... kids just wanna be old [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

ps this advice is either really good or really bad, i'm not a parent so i don't know.

scrapperdog · #13 03-28-2006, 08:59 PM

Make the couseling a priority. Do it now.

Failing out/dropping out of high school is gonna be probable if nothing changes. If my kid was doing this I would be very very worried. Spend the money to try and get this worked out now, dont wait.

iSTRONG · #14 03-28-2006, 09:16 PM

There is no harm in seeing a counsellor. But there could be regrets in the future if she needs one and nothing was done about it.

Edit: Oh, & I'd be very careful with the online chat thing. Make sure that the site she chats on is recognised as kid/teen safe and that it's properly moderated.

Chiefdh · #15 03-28-2006, 11:37 PM

I am a Psychology student with many hours of class and readings under my belt, yet know clinical experience so what I offer here is to be taken as simply educated advice, not fact or an immediate solution...That being said, it is most definitely important that you make your daughter feel as if she is "Liked". Love comes naturally, supporting her with food and clothing is natural, but if you expect her to relate to YOU, then you have to relate to her, and treat her as a friend. Perhaps buy her a new computer of her own (that would give her a powerful tool to use with school, while at the same time making her feel as if you support her interests). Compromise is very important but I would most certainly reccomend counseling also, there are some amazing things Psychologists have learned about the brain and behavior. Good Luck.

smoore · #16 03-29-2006, 04:33 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Examine your own attitudes. DO you love her, but not like her? If so, she will sense that and act accordingly. There is nothing more devastating to a child when she/he gets the idea (rightly or wrongly), that he/she is far from her/his parents' notion of the ideal child.

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yow. this hits home and I'm only a stepdad. food for thought.

scrapperdog · #17 03-29-2006, 05:19 AM

[ QUOTE ]
I am a Psychology student with many hours of class and readings under my belt, yet know clinical experience so what I offer here is to be taken as simply educated advice, not fact or an immediate solution...That being said, it is most definitely important that you make your daughter feel as if she is "Liked". Love comes naturally, supporting her with food and clothing is natural, but if you expect her to relate to YOU, then you have to relate to her, and treat her as a friend. Perhaps buy her a new computer of her own (that would give her a powerful tool to use with school, while at the same time making her feel as if you support her interests). Compromise is very important but I would most certainly reccomend counseling also, there are some amazing things Psychologists have learned about the brain and behavior. Good Luck.

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Buy a kid failing classes a computer? Reward her for acting up and throwing meltdowns every other day? Not on my watch.

This kid does not need a friend. She needs a strong parent to step in and take control of her and the situation. This girl is out of control and it is the OP's responsibiliy as a father to take control back for the good of the child. It is pretty obvious this guy does not have the tools to do it himself or things would have never gotten this far. That does not make him a bad person, it just makes him someone that needs additional help. Now it is time for a professional to step in and lend a hand. There is a very good chance this girl needs medication.

If this girl improves her behavior and gets the help she needs in school then that is the time to encourage her and buy the computer. Not until then.

chesspain · #18 03-29-2006, 07:55 AM

JD,

My heart goes out to you. Although I am a psychologist and the father of two middle school age girls, I can't personally imagine what it has been like for you, as a parent, to have struggled with your daughter for all of these years.

One thing which is obvious is that her problems are not solely the result of adolescent angst, since you note that she has had problems with emotional self-control and social interaction for practically the entirety of her short life.

Although some of her behaviors make her seem as if she might have a severe case of ADHD, my gut instinct is that there is something even more seriously wrong with her. In fact, as difficult as this is for me to say (since I have never met her), there is a good chance that your daughter may have either a pervasive developmental disorder or a major mental illness. Given the various problems she has had throughout her life, I'm a bit surprised to not be hearing about experiences already with doctors and therapists.

Consequently, I would strongly advise you to discuss this matter with her pediatrician, for the primary purpose of securing a referral to a licensed mental health professional who treats children. Your daughter is undoubtedly going to need significant services from this point forward.

I know that my words may be difficult to accept. If you have been in denial up until now about the severity of her problems (which I would only suggest if you or your wife have already refused suggestions for evaluations), please remember that that her problems were likely not caused by your actions as parents, and cannot be negated by the fact that she may be quite intelligent. Some children are just born into or are destined for a major mental disorder.

My best wishes to you and your family in finding the care that you all need to help you cope with your daughter's immense needs.

Sincerely,

Dr. chess

Mr. Now · #19 03-29-2006, 02:11 PM

My take on this is that you might consider allocating time to be with her when you normally play poker. This kills the chat habit-- which is a huge potential problem for a kid that age. Tell her your relationship with her is far more important than anything else you may choose to do with your time. Then do it.

Then listen. Let her be herself and figure out what she is telling you.

This sounds like a kid that needs some time and attention. Twelve is a critical age-- dont let the opportunity expire and vaporize. Grab it while you can.

Samara · #20 03-29-2006, 04:29 PM

Yes, go with the doctor.

More info here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/adhd.cfm

It is my experience that therapy helps more than medication, but sometimes medication is necessary.

I struggled with a severe depression recently and for me at least It was very nice to understand what I had and that a lot of people (briliant people also) had too.

Best whishes!