Help Me Be Less of an Insensitive Prick

[Los Feliz Slim]

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I am not a doctor, but I think she's probably going to die within four weeks.

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Well, I set a great line, but those of you who took the over are winners. Nana passed away very early in the morning on Friday the 27th, peacefully, in her sleep.

The five months since I made this post have been pretty awful for Nana and everyone close to her. Since her initial hospitalization she only returned to independent living for a couple of weeks, and ended up in a nursing home for the last three months of her life. That said, I can see "reasons" why this happened this way: Nana and her daughter (my wife's aunt) repaired their relationship, but I also feel like this period of time "prepared" the rest of us to lose her. After what she'd been through, her passing away can only be viewed as merciful.

The last five months have a quite profound effect on myself and my family. The nursing home she was in was absolutely amazing and is supported by the Jewish Federation, and Nana was admitted only because of her ties to the community. I like to think of myself as a secular humanist, but you don't see Secular Humanist Homes for the Aged anywhere, and taking care of the elderly is something we need to be doing. So I'm taking a hard look back at Judaism, less because of belief and more because I've had the value of "belonging" to a community laid bare for me. Lots of other new questions, fears, revelations, etc. Need to sort them and wrap my head around them.

R.I.P. Mildred Selma "Midge" Dinnerstein. We love you Nana.

[jackflashdrive]

I think those posters who advise you to 'STFU and listen' or 'do whatever she wants' are completely missing the point. Most women most of the time (and almost all women in the situation your wife is in) want to be emotionally supported in ways that you are not equipped to deal with. Can you bite your tounge and validate all the gibberish that comes out of her mouth? Probably not or you would not have posted this.

It is good that you posted here though because I have for you the 100% ideal solution, which blends your wifes emotional needs with your desire to be practical and helpful to the extent you can. Tell her you think it might be a good idea if one of her female friends (sister would be even better) moved in with you guys for a few weeks. Yes, it will drive you f-in nuts but this way she actually has someone available to nod her head in aggreement and say 'you're so right' or whatever else needs to be said and actually MEAN IT. I just don't think that being disingenous by trying to act like someone other than who you are is being supportive. Hopefully this is practical for you.