Help Me Be Less of an Insensitive Prick

[Los Feliz Slim]

As I've posted about previously, my wife's grandmother is dying. Very long story very short, she's now in a nursing home and is receiving hospice care. I am not a doctor, but I think she's probably going to die within four weeks. Her decline has been steady since early March. There is no chance she's going to get "better". It's just a matter of time. Now, this is sad, but it is inevitable. She is 91 1/2.

My wife has not been able to get an ounce of perspective. Nana is her mother's mother, who passed away ten years ago last Thursday. My wife is the most grounded woman I've ever met, but she's still emotional. Add in the connection to her own mother, and it's pretty crazy around here.

Nana will have a "good" day, where's she able to make conversation and be herself. Then, she'll have two "bad" days where she's either in extreme pain or very doped up on morphine. On the "good" days, my wife will get all psyched and be like "She's doing great!" On the bad days, my wife is beside herself, calling the nurses every half an hour, having me call the immediate family and tell them it might be "time" soon, etc. It's a total roller coaster.

I have a really hard time when people are being irrational. I always want to try and bring them back to rationality. This is a terrible line in this case, and makes my wife angry. I am incredibly supportive logistically and my wife knows that I care immensely, but I'm not doing a good job at all emotionally. I just don't agree with how she's dealing with this, and it's so hard to be supportive emotionally when she's just not being rational.

She actually said "Let me be in denial for the next two hours" this morning. I'm like, OK, but just leaving her alone is the only way I know how to do that, and that's not being supportive either.

I know there isn't an answer for this, but if anybody has any ideas I'm all [censored] ears.