Marrying a Girl From a Different Culture

[glorfindel]

I'm an American male married to a Korean National for 22 years.

I know people for whom the language barrier can be a great difficulty, but I didn't experience this. My degree was in linguistics with an emphasis on Chinese, so with the help of a Korean grammar and my job as a liaison officer with the Korean army, I was able to learn formal Korean relatively easily. We spoke Korean exclusively until she came to the US.

Cultural differences unexpectedly pop up everywhere. You must be alert and diplomatic to identify and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts that this causes. For example, service in Korea is universally excellent; the poor service and impolite shop clerks in the US can be interpreted as personally insulting. That sounds trivial, but from her perspective (insecure in a new and strange country) it is not. Also, familial interactions are governed by formal rules in Korea, whereas the relaxed atmosphere of social interaction in the US causes misinterpretations. These kinds of things occur all the time and cause stress to both partners. Coupled with the normal stresses that occur in any marriage, this alone can be too much for many people.

You must eliminate your pre-existing generalizations of the alien culture and focus on understanding the realities. For example, the sterotype of the submissive asian woman, particularly among Korean women, is simply wrong. They may appear that way in public, but this is an illusion. I've known many Korean-Korean couples, and without exception the wife runs the household, including finances. But unlike many American wives, the Korean wives I've known are parsimonious, almost to a fault, and focus on saving the money, not spending.

While personal values may be in line with the cultural mainstream, they may be very different. My wife was a bit of an iconoclast. For instance, she was the first to import and breed yorkies, pomeranians, and malteses for pets (no eating dog jokes please), and she was one of the founders of the Korean Kennel Club.

An international marriage requires significantly more effort than normal. Become very educated about the culture and the prospective spouse and his/her family before embarking on this adventure. Live in the country for at least a year. I've been very lucky; my wife is my best friend and we enjoy many of the same activities. Most international marriages do not succeed. When I married my wife, the US army had statistics that indicated a 95% failure rate.