Upcoming live poker

[Bond18]

Hey guys, i wrote this article for p5's but unfortunately they weren't able to use it. I don't blame them considering the content, so i thought i'd post it here and see what you guys think. Here's the article:

It’s becoming increasingly common for successful online players to begin venturing out and dominating the live scene. In the last couple years live tournaments have sprung up all over the world. So how does a player choose which to attend with so many expensive events, travel time, and over lapping schedules? I’d like to help players in that quandary by presenting a list of upcoming live tournaments and useful information to go along with them.

Event: North American Poker Championship, $10,300 CAD
When: October 26-November 2 2007.
Where: Fallsview Resort, Niagra Falls,, Canada
What to do while visiting: Try to resist the urge to jump off the giant [censored] waterfall outside after being 2 outed.
How to pick up the locals: Do anything but let them find out you’re an arrogant American. To prove you’re not, sing the entire Canadian national anthem, then point out their capitol on a map, whatever city that is.

Event: EPT Dublin, 8000 Euros.
When: October 30-November 3
Where: Royal Dublin Society, Dublin, Ireland
What to do while visiting: Get drunk to a level bordering on alcohol poisoning, start several fights, urinate on yourself, pass out in own vomit. Don’t worry, nobody will judge.
How to pick up the locals: Open with the line “I know its 11am on a Tuesday, but what’s say you and me go get wasted and see what happens?”

Event: Foxwoods World Poker Finals
When: November 7-11
Where: Foxwoods Casino, Mashantucket, Connecticut
What to do and see while visiting: Pack a back pack with water, food, and supplies. Then close your eyes and wander aimlessly for 10 minutes through the casino. You’re your eyes, then spend the next several weeks trying to find you’re way out of the behemoth.
How to pick up the locals: LOL at thinking there are available women hanging around Foxwoods under the age of 68. If you must, hop over to nearby NYC and open with the line “Hello, I’m Doctor So and So, wanna see my bank statement?”

Event: EPT Prague, 5000 Euros.
When: December 10-14, 2007
Where: Hilton Hotel, Prague, Czech Republic
What to do while visiting: Prague is a gorgeous city that mixes the modern and historical, with breathtaking sites like Prague Castle, Old Town, and The Astronomical Clock. Just stay the [censored] out of Hostel’s in Eastern Europe.
How to pick up the locals: Open with “Tebe délat má kalhoty nalíznutý.” Czech for “You make my pants tight.” Showing you know some of the language is always a good way to impress.

Event: Bellagio Five Diamond World Poker Classic
When: December 13-18
Where: Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas USA.
What to do while visiting: Take an absolute ton of drugs while blowing off your responsibilities. Then write a rambling, drug induced journal about the American dream that eventually goes on to turn into a movie starring Johnny Depp.
How to pick up the locals: Open with the line “How much for 3 minutes?”

Event: PokerStars Caribbean Adventure, $8,000 USD.
When: January 5-10.
Where: Atlantis Resort and Casino, Paradise Island Bahamas.
What to do while visiting: Lie around on the beach, go swimming, and be lazy. If you’re like most poker players you’re probably out of shape and paler than Carrot Top, so working out and base tanning before you go is a must to prevent the risks of sun burn and people pointing and laughing. Also make sure to smoke a lot of weed since nothings enforced. Seeing as half the people reading this have a bong in their mouth, I'm just telling you what you already know.
How to pick up the locals: Most of the available women running around Nassau are tourists, so do whatever you’d normally do to pick up drunken twenty year olds. Since you’re a poker player, this will most likely result in you going home alone to a hard drive filled with porn.

Event: Aussie Millions, $10,000 AUD
When: January 5-20, 2008.
Where: Crown Casino, Melbourne Australia.
What to do while visiting: Purchase a pair of boxing gloves, then go find the largest kangaroo you can and prove you’re way more man than those wimps in the 1920’s. Also make sure to hang out with Bond18, that guy is awesome.
How to pick up the locals: I’ll tell you what two drunken Australian dudes told me on my very first visit: “Just don’t call your date a Sheila, mate.”

Event: EPT German Open, 8000 Euros.
When: January 29-February 2, 2008
Where: Casino Hohensyburg, Dortmund Germany.
What to do while visiting: Don a pair of lederhosen, grab an enormous mug of beer, and invade France. I suggest going through the Ardennes, they’ll never see it coming.
How to pick up the locals: Open with the line “Ich höre, daß Sie Völker Ihre Weise um eine Wurst kennen.” German for “I hear you people know your way around a sausage.”

Event: World Poker Open
When: January 20-January 23
Where: Tunica, Mississippi, USA.
What to do while visiting: Watch paint dry while contemplating why you didn’t go to the Aussie Millions instead. Come on, the South sucks and you know it.
How to pick up the locals: Open with the line “I reckon we have a lot in common, like, I bet we both totally hate change.”

Event: Borgata Poker Classic, $10,000 USD
When: January 26-30
Where: Borgata Casino and Hotel, Atlantic City, USA
What to do while visiting: At this time of the year, there’s not much to do outside gambling in the AC, so take a shot at the pit games, I bet you can come up with a killer system that’s sure to result in your beating the house.
How to pick up the locals: Open with the line “How much for 4 minutes? Yep, I’ve been practicing.”

There you are; a full schedule of live poker all the way through the month of January 2008. I doubt I’ll be getting out to many of them since it would require getting out of my chair, but I hope to hear about all the online players future successes. Best of luck.

[Foucault]

Very amusing, thanks B.

[BadgerPro]

Good read, would lol again.

[0evg0]

Surprisingly funny. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[gobbomom]

A+ Bond. you rock.

[ShowUthExit]

lol you make my pants tight

[timex]

[ QUOTE ]
How to pick up the locals: Most of the available women running around Nassau are tourists

[/ QUOTE ]

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if no one at PCA has ever picked up a girl.

[ianisakson]

classic bond post, i'm forwarding this to my fiance so she can pick which ones I should go to lol.

[PeepOnTheSly]

Hey guys its also Bond18/Tonys birthday today. So happy birthday again buddy!

[tozzy]

your translation is waaaaaaaay off.
nice work, tho.