Sushi, Whores and Lotto (Trip Report...long)

[The Lipo Fund]

Weekend Trip Report
(No Cliffnotes)

Friday-
About two weeks ago, I stayed at one of my friends house to write a paper for him to pay for tickets I got during my first car wreck. Friday night passed pretty uneventless, we met a large group of people at the local theater to see the opening of 300. Overall I thought the visual elemtns of the movie were amazing, but the dialogue was bad enough to make me want to rub my dick on sandpaper. We all left the movie with a heightened sense of the alpha-male complex, which is already unhealthily high in teenage boys. Driving home, I'm in the passenger seat of my friend's car, and see a plastic sword he had borught laying on the floorboard. I grab it while driving down the road and swing it at a motorcycle driver on the highway going about 60mph and yell "FOR SPARTA", he almost crashes, but luckily manages to maintain his balance. My friend gets the hell out of dodge pretty fast. We get stopped at a redlight where we see a fat chick in a convertible next to us, I stick the sword out and tell her I could give her lipo for discounted prices, she tries spitting at me and misses, yet another failure in her seemingly miserable life. We get back to the house and try to start a $20 donk n' go but everybody decides that they dont feel like it. Having gamboool in my blood, I convicne one of my friends to play me in chink poker for $1 a point, after 20minutes i was up like $15 and he called it quits. I decided to go finish my friends paper so he could pay me the $116.50 I needed for being a careless driver.

Saturday-

Everyone gets up late, and my friend's Grandpa (whom he lives with) tells us he needs help moving stuff he bought from someone. So 6 of us drive over to this double-wide trailer in the middle of bum-[censored] nowhere. We see a full size U-Haul waiting. We get inside the house and apparently his grandpa had bought everything this woman owned for around $1500~. I'm talking antique furniture, knick-knacks, china, pretty much everything. I had no idea why someone would be dumb enough to do this, until I remembered I lived in Central Florida, the Meth capital of the world. Upon meeting the woman, I was completely disgusted in a way that I haven't really felt before. She had the body of a 40 year old, but her face was covered in boils and carbunkles which made her appear as if she was 70. She kept telling us to hurry up and move her [censored] out so she could smoke a joint. We tried to converse with her, figuring it would be amusing to talk to a real life meth head, but her only response was to burst out in song with "I've got friends in low places" We move to another room, hoping whatever this woman has is not contagious. Then I see, what might be the saddest sight in my short young life. She had nyquil bottles, half empty, in those insulator cup holders that people use to keep beer cold, and a grocery bag with about 10 more full nyquil bottles. While a majority of white-trash America is washing away their misery with a 12 pack of Budlight, this woman is drowning her sorrow with 12 bottles of Nyquil. Her raggedy appearance and poor negotiation skills were no longer a mystery to me. After 3 hours of moving stuff out of the house, we were ready to leave with a Uhaul and 4 pickup trucks full of stuff.

We got back to my friends house and unloaded all of the stuff. His grandpa gave all of us $20 for helping out with the move. We had worked up quite an appetite so we went to the first Chinese buffet we could find. Now, I'm not really big on buffet food, but let me say, this was theb best $6 I've spent in my entire life. There was a myriad of food engulfing that three-roomed restaurant. Walking in there was comparable so a soldier going to a strip club seeing boobies for the first time in 3 years. My whole life, up to this point, I had been a complete sushi n00b, but I've read a lot on 2p2 about the wonders of sushi. I jumped straight over to the mini-sushi bar and had about 30 california rolls, some vegetable rolls, and something else that I dont remember the name of. By the end of our hour thre, I had close to maybe 80 pieces of sushi. I'm a pretty small guy (6'1 155 pounds), so I was bloated and Mylanta was nowhere in sight. As I'm about to go to the bathroom to crap my abdominal cavity into an undermatched toilet, my phone rings...it's one of my female friends.

"Hey marty its (insert female name here). I'm in town from Iowa and I wanted to know if you wanted to join a group of us at a local sushi restaurant tonight for dinner, be there at 8"
"sure I'll be there"

So I decide that my crap can wait. I squeeze my buttcheeks together and make the turtle go back into his shell. We leave that little piece of Icaria and head back to my friends house where we take a nap before heading out for the evening's sushi adventure.

I wake up around 6.30 when a friend calls me and asks if I'm going, I tell him yes, and we offer him a ride. The car group for the night consisted of Me, Chubs(the kid whose house I was staying at to write his paper), Gangsta(a friend of ours who was driving, he's white put talks in full ebonics), and Ghana (the friend we picked up, he's half african/half white, but pretends to be white). We pick Ghana up around 7.30 and get over to the sushi/bistro place 20min early. Waiting for people to get there, Gangsta realizes he has large quantities of weed in the glove compartment of his car, he decides it would be a good idea to move it to his trunk. Our party gets there, about 14 of us, our car group being the oldest, as my friend from Iowa was two years younger than me, and so are all of her friends. We walk in the restaurant and much to my dismay we see my french teacher sitting with her family, of all people in the world, she is honestly the person I dislike the most. whatever, im not going to let the reincarnation of satan ruin my fateful falling with raw fish

they seat our party and take our order. everyone around me is getting california/godzilla rolls. I decide that im going to go all out. i order the sushi platter for like $23. it came with like 10 rolls and 7 different types of sashimi, this would be the first time i had ever tried sashimi. ghana gets the same thing as me, because he couldnt convince me to split the $90 platter with him. after long deliberation they bring out my food and I am pumped. I realize that this is an authentic asian restaurant when they hand me chop sticks. Im all about recognizing international culture, but honest to god those flimsy pieces of wood only slowed me down. I looked around the table to survey who was there, and decided there was nobody there who I needed to impress. I started using my hands but the rice was falling everywhere. i yell for the waitress and tell and that due to my cultural ineptitude I needed a fork, she obviously didnt know what ineptitude meant and stared at me blankly for a minute before I had to break it down to street talk for her "yo woman, me no use chopstick, get me a fork now" she nodded her head in confirmation and was back in a hurry with my proper utensil. I scarfed down the rolls in a hurry, but I was extra careful to savor the exquisite tastes of the eel and octopus. That was honestly the best meal I had had in my life. After dinner people were just messing around and said something about some green stuff called "Wasabi" Now, I had never tried Wasabi before, and my only knowledge of it was from that Jackass where the guy tries to snort it but fails. Ghana tells me he doesnt think I can eat this giant glob of Wasabi. Being naive, and thinking I had something to prove, I placed the guacamole looking gunk of green into my mouth. He told me it would be easier to down if I chewed it up first. Ghana obviously lied to me, I chewed the Wasabi and swallowed and it felt like someone had thrown a match down my windpipe. I started screaming, making a big commotion in a crowded, classy restaurant. I downed it sticking out my tongue with pride, but when I stuck my tongue back into my mouth, I had a surprise waiting for me, the remnants that were not swallowed the first time concentrated their focused blast of fire right under my tongue. I started screaming again but managed to deal with the burn. I refused to drink anything to show off my he-man abilities to the table. I decided to get dessert because I was still extra hungry, despite having close to 100 pieces of sushi in a span of 7 hours. I got cheesecake tempura and added it to the impending powderkeg ready to explode inside my stomach. I got my bill and it was like $34, this is literally twice what I have spent on myself foodwise in a single meal in the past. I am an unemployed highschool student who basically angle shoots and plays home games for money. I tipped the lady like $8 since I had been kind of rude, and caused some chaos in the restaurant. After paaying, Ghana got his bill and realized gratuity was already included, which means I tipped like $14 on a $28 meal, I was sort of pissed at myself for wasting so much money, but for a few short seconds I felt as baller as an 18 year old highschool student could feel, without having sex with a 16yr old.

We left the restaurant and were headed to take Ghana home, when he makes the comment that he has never played the lotto before. On New Years Eve, Chub's younger brother had won a $50hu poker match and used the $$$ to buy 50 $1 lotto tickets. the aftermath resulted in a net of about $370. He was pretty much a local legend around here for his gamboool. We stop at a gas station and Ghana hands me $5 to buy him 5 $1 tickets, I buy 2 $1 tickets as I don't like the lotto, Chubs buys 20 $1 tickets, and Gangsta follows his new life philosophy of "The more money I spend, the more my mom will give me" Me and Ghana make and agreement that we wont stop until we go busto or get enough for a prom ticket.

I win a free ticket and then go busto. Ghana wins $10 on his first ticket and like 2 free tickets, Chubs wins $46, and Gangsta breaks even. They hand me all of their tickets to go and cash in for them, since they are busy scratching outside. I go back hand them their tickets, this process repeats itself for the next hour or so. The lady in the gas station starts getting pissed at me, I try to ignore her since she's fat, speaks with a lisp, and has obviously has some form of mental retardation. She starts telling me that we are bad at scratchoffs because everyimte she buys one she wins $50. I tell her I'll lay her 10:1 odds on $50 that she doesn't, she doesn't understand the math of the situation. She tells me I have a gambling problem and need to call 1-800-ADMIT-IT. She is shocked when I tell her I already have, and it obviously didn't work. She says she'll have to cut me off in 45 minutes. I run out and tell my friends that they need to hurry up. So everyone moves up limits in their scratching games, Ghana goes to $2s and $5s, Chubs $5s and $10s, and Gangsta strictly $10s. I run in there and at one point the cash register lady let some pregnant lady with a 12 pack of beer go in front of me, because "I had a problem", I guess it's true irony is the best form of comedy. She asks if we've won anything, I tell her not really, and then she asks me: "[but] How much did you lose?" I run tickets back out to my friends when I see a blue volkswagen beetle parked next to us. It has what appears to be 2 really cute college chicks in there. Gangsta gives me a $20 winner and tells me to go get food and drinks for all of us and buy tickets with the rest. As I'm walking towards the gas station the girls roll down their window and call me over.

"Yo, here's $2 bucks, go buy us a ticket, we want a $2 ticket not 2 $1 tickets"
"Arent you 18?"
"No we're 16"
"Oh ok, you're cute, I hope you win, but you have to split with me"

I run in and buy food, drinks and the ticket for the girls. I give my friends the food and run the girls their ticket. They scratch it off and win like $5 and decide to keep the ticket to cash in at a later date. So I'm standing outside of their car talking to them, when out of nowhere they pass me a blunt. I sort of pause and give them a dumbfounded look, they tell me to "take a hit of it, it's laced with something special" This is when I reply with the line that gave birth to this whole story:

"I'm sorry ladies, but gambling is my drug of choice"

Not wanting to stop in their juvenile efforts to corrupt me, they tell me I can hop in the back of their car and ride back to their place with them for a "little get-together", they promised it would be a lot of fun. Not wanting to wake up missing a kidney, or have gonorrhea oozing from my penis I decided to pass up on this generous offer. Chubs, Gangsta and Ghana ask me what the hell just happened. I told it's official, I am a degenerate at life. The girls drive off killing off any chance I had to contract herpes.

Time was running out so I made my last lotto run for the group. As a whole we ended up way down, but individually I traded my $2 for a red bull and donuts, which was more than fair. Ghana ended up going busto killing any dreams of a lotto prom. Chubs dwindled his original profits down to a loss of $20, and Gangsta lost more money than I could keep track of. All in all it was a fun night. Watching them shut the lotto machine off gave birth to a great sadness in my heart, for that night the four of us had no chance of being highrollers. As we left the parking lot, littered with probably close to 100 tickets, the retarded girl from the register came chasing after us telling us to pick them up. Atleast I can say I got the last laugh in on her. Ghana was dropped off, and we went back to Chub's house, I ran for the bathroom and for the first time in my life I understood the phrase "[censored] bricks". For the next 20 minutes, everytime I farted, it seemed like a piece of sushi would eject from my anus like an explosive mortar shell. Limping out of the bathroom, still sore from my strenuous sphincter exercises, I crawled into bed ending an exciting weekend.

Beat: lotto
Brag: sushi
Variance: STD infected druggies
Cliffnotes: not writing any

[captainwacky]

C+, but only because of the effort

[adanthar]

I read until I saw "chink poker" and then banned you for a week

[Bakedd]

I just read this entire thing. Is this actually true and why would you not let two underage girls take you back to "their" place?

[HIV]

why didn't u bang those 16 yr olds

[CanIPlayII]

[ QUOTE ]
I read until I saw "chink poker" and then banned you for a week

[/ QUOTE ]

Surely U Jest.

OP: U have 2 Hot 16 year olds smoking Laced Ganja and U don't get in the car. Major Mistake. When U are my age U will cry Tears of Bitterness Over this.

[pokerchap]

zomg ur a bitch for not hitting those 16 yr olds? because they have blunts they are auto-mucks?

adanthar- did you really ban him? I hope so.

D+

[adanthar]

okay BBV, we have a poll especially for you today:

[20:25] thef0urseas0ns: can I talk to you real quick?
[20:25] thef0urseas0ns: it's the lipo fund
[20:25] thef0urseas0ns: i was just banned for saying "chink'
[20:26] Adanthar: yep...we have a zero tolerance for racism policy
[20:26] thef0urseas0ns: in my defense its more of an abbreviation
[20:27] thef0urseas0ns: I can understand if it was edited, and I received a warning
[20:27] thef0urseas0ns: but it seems like a week long ip ban is severe, considering I didnt drop the N bomb or post pictures of KKK members at a barbecque
[20:27] Adanthar: this has been a major issue for bbv last month/this month, sorry if you missed it
[20:28] Adanthar: it's now zero tolerance, and I think gildwulf is doing 2 week first offenses/perma seconds
[20:28] thef0urseas0ns: I understand that it's an issue
[20:29] thef0urseas0ns: but it just seems the issue is a lot bigger than a single poster referring to a card game in an abbreviated manner
[20:29] Adanthar: dude 'chink' is not an abbreviation of 'chinese'
[20:29] Adanthar: that isnt gonna work
[20:29] thef0urseas0ns: I didnt refer to a race of people in a derogatory manner, and I'm sure thats the issue youre trying to combat
[20:30] thef0urseas0ns: it's referred to around here as "chink" poker
[20:30] Adanthar: if you really want to, I can let BBV decide and post a poll about it, but one of the options is going to be 'come down harder'
[20:30] thef0urseas0ns: will there be a bastard option?
[20:30] Adanthar: sure!
[20:30] thef0urseas0ns: ok
[20:30] thef0urseas0ns: haha
[20:30] thef0urseas0ns: deal!
[20:31] Adanthar: fine, let me go post it
[20:31] thef0urseas0ns: can you copy and paste this for me, since I cant
[20:31] thef0urseas0ns: I posted chink as an abbreviation for the name of a card game
[20:31] thef0urseas0ns: at no point in my rference was I referring to a race of people
[20:32] thef0urseas0ns: which I felt was obvious because of the context it was used in
[20:32] thef0urseas0ns: I didnt say I hated chinks, or the chinks made good sushi

[[Phill]]

I picked make it two weeks, but would have picked Bastard if i though that option meant we send round TxRedman to kill the OPs parents and feed them to him in chilli.

[schwah]

i voted 2 weeks but only because the story sucked