Ask me about growing up with a Bi-Polar parent

[Fishwhenican]

I grew up with a mother who was full blown Bi-Polar. It started when I was born in 1960, I do think I was the direct cause but who knows! [img]/images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img] My Mom was diagnosed as having depression in the early days and it wasn't until later that they came up with the Manic-Depression thing which was later renamed Bi-polar. She went through a lot of different things including drug therapy, group therapy, many many psychiatrists and even the barbaric electric shock therapy. I am pretty convinced that in the early days the doctors really did not have any kind of good grip on this kind of stuff and were doing a lot of guessing and experimenting to try and help people with these type of problems. the only thing that finally brought some sort of normalcy for any length of time was when she was finally put on Lithium. That was a wonder drug as far as I was concerned. Of course balancing how much and in what combination of other drugs she was taking was always an interesting dance.

When I was younger I never really knew that there was anything wrong with my mom. There were times when we were sent to stay with grandparents for the summer and I never really knew anything different until later on when I learned that these times were when my Mom had been committed to the psych ward and in the hospital. As I got older I started noticing more and more and realizing that my mom just wasn't quite the same as my friends mom's. Most of the time things were normal but when my mom would have episodes things would go from her being depressed, not wanting to get out of bed, do anything and ultimately trying to commit suicide to being wildly manic tearing the house apart never finishing anything before tearing apart the next part of the house. As far as I know taking a mound of pills was her preferred method of trying to kill herself. If there were other ways I am either not aware of them, don't remember or was never told.

The scariest thing I went through was during one of her Manic moments when I was older and was going through the phase where I actually thought I could use reason with her to get her calmed down. She was tearing things apart and was inthe kitchen at the time. I do not remember exactly what the conversation was but the end of it was her with a kitchen knife in her hands and a very wild look in her eyes. I knew we were on the edge of her coming after me with that knife and managed to somehow steep things clear of that. Don't remember exactly how but I distinctly remember being very afraid, combined with a good bit of teenage anger that my own mother would try to do something to hurt me.

The weirdest thing I can remember right now would have to be the phone calls from her when she was in the hospital and pleading to have me come and get her out. She would cry and be hallucinating, stuff like bugs on the walls and coming out of her body were common. Visiting her in the various psych wards was also a pretty darn weird experience. Not just her actions but all of these other people that would be there doing strange things and walking around completely drugged up behaving like zombies

A lot of my early childhood memories are either non-existent, very fuzzy or just in brief snippets of time. Some of this I am sure is like a car accident where the victim has no memory of the accident. So, if I do not have a lot of detail on some of the things, I apologize and will do my best.

My sister and I never talked a lot about the things going on until later in our lives after we were out ofthe house and well on our own. But we found many common things that we thought were only our own that we both thought and experienced. Stuff like not having nearly as many childhood memories as other people. The constant fear of this disease hitting you as well and therefore being very emotionally withdrawn and trying to keep emotions on an even keep all the time. Stuff like that.

We both eventually got old enough to be out on our own and we got out as quickly as we could. My mom was a complete pain to be around. Some of it was the disease some of it was just her using that as an excuse to be a pain in the azz to other people. there was a lot of stuff that she did where she knew what she was doing but just didn't care that it was causing grief for other people. An example of this would be the way she craved attention and thought she should be waited on hand and foot. She was in her glory when she was in the hospital and people were waiting on her. This happened even to the point where she actually faked a condition where she was supposedly not able to pee. She ended up in the hospital being "cathed" in order to pee. The doctors were even convinced that this was real and were suggesting surgery or permanent stay in a skilled nursing facility. I ended up getting a call from the nursing home she was in (my dad had passed away about a year before this) telling me that they suspected she was faking it within a couple of her being moved moved there from the hospital. I had to go and meet with her and the people at the nursing home and I told her that her options were basically surgery, staying in the nursing home. She didn't like either of these options so I told her the only other answer was for her to start peeing. Her response was that she would have ot pray for a miracle. Magically, she started peeing that night was was fine from then on!

there is a lot more I could write but I hope that gives people an idea of what life was like. I will answer all questions I can. I am certainly not a doctor but I have some pretty good opinions on this disease based on first hand experience and much study I have done over the years.

Mom is gone now, she passed away a couple of years ago. I hate to say this but I do not really miss her and life is not nearly as complicated for anyone who was involved with her. I know this is a horrible thing to think about one's own mother but sadly it is the truth.

So, Fire away!

[Dominic]

nice post...my Dad's bi-polar so I know what you're talking about! Plus, he won't take his meds. I'll just say my Mom must be a saint.

[SoloAJ]

Fish,

You mentioned that your dad passed away. I wasn't able to necessarily figure out (maybe I just missed it in the length), were your parents divorced or together?

According to Wiki (reliable I know), divorce rate for families with at least one bi-polar member is 90%. So I am sort of surprised to find out things like Dom's parents staying together. She really .must. have been a saint Dom, at least according to the (unreliable) stats.

Also, I wanted to ask Fish, how old are you? And at what age did you really realize .how. you had to deal with your mom's...antics? I don't mean when did you realize that she was "different from other moms" but rather, when did you sort of get a system for dealing with it both for her and for yourself.

Sorry for the relatively lame questions at this point, but your descriptive post gives a fair amount to ask and I'm starting general....

[Fishwhenican]

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nice post...my Dad's bi-polar so I know what you're talking about! Plus, he won't take his meds. I'll just say my Mom must be a saint.

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Don, Sorry to hear about your Dad, both for being Bi-Polar and not taking his meds. Maybe next time I am in Vegas we can meet, drink and swap war stories. [img]/images/graemlins/ooo.gif[/img]

I know there are a lot of people who have had Bi-Polar disorder effect them but I have never run into another person/friend who had a parent with this disease. I would actually love to have another persons perspective on this.

Yes, your mom must be in line for Sainthood!

[Fishwhenican]

[ QUOTE ]
Fish,

You mentioned that your dad passed away. I wasn't able to necessarily figure out (maybe I just missed it in the length), were your parents divorced or together?

According to Wiki (reliable I know), divorce rate for families with at least one bi-polar member is 90%. So I am sort of surprised to find out things like Dom's parents staying together. She really .must. have been a saint Dom, at least according to the (unreliable) stats.

Also, I wanted to ask Fish, how old are you? And at what age did you really realize .how. you had to deal with your mom's...antics? I don't mean when did you realize that she was "different from other moms" but rather, when did you sort of get a system for dealing with it both for her and for yourself.

Sorry for the relatively lame questions at this point, but your descriptive post gives a fair amount to ask and I'm starting general....

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I do not think they are lame questions at all!

My parents stayed together until my Dad died. I do not know how he did it! I would never ever have been able to stay with her like he did. But then again my Dad was a pretty good guy. He started out with the intent of being a minister when he was young and ended up a salesman to support the family. After my sister and I moved out he left sales and went back to work for the church as a minister. How he managed to survive as long as he did with her is beyond me but I have no doubt that her illness helped to put him into a relatively early grave at 62. I miss him and wish he would have been able to outlive Mom.

I just turned 47. I am not 100% sure I remembered how old I was when I figured out how to deal with my Mom. I am not sure I ever really figured it out. When I was around 18 or 19 I finally got pretty cold hearted as far as her antics were concerned. I got to the point where I really didn't care what she did and I realized that trying to deal with her with any sort of logic was a fantasy. You just could not apply logic to the type of things she would do. I had my own life and if she finally killed herself, so be it. Around my mid 20's I kind of got soft-hearted and started to let her use her illness to make me feel sorry for her. In my early 30's sometime I finally realized that she really did have far more control over what she was doing than I gave her credit for and ended up a bit distanced from my parents again. The stuff she was doing was starting to effect my marriage and my kids as well. I regret this time because I ended up distanced from my Dad because of her. By the time she finally dies I hardly ever talked to her and had pretty little to do with her. When I was back in WI, where she was in a facility for dementia patients, I would visit but it was pretty much useless.

Hope I answered your questions. Some of this stuff has no black and white answers.

[entertainme]

Obviously there were huge negatives in your life due to her disorder. My question is can you think of any positives that resulted?

Did it make you a more independent person at an earlier age? Are you more prepared to help others when a family is in crisis? That kind of thing.

You know the old saying, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

[Dominic]

well, I'm in Vegas and he's across the country...so I don't have to deal with it like my Mom does...growing up, though was difficult. While he's a great guy, a wonderful father and very generous, the manic/depressive mood swings are monstrous.

[Fishwhenican]

[ QUOTE ]
well, I'm in Vegas and he's across the country...so I don't have to deal with it like my Mom does...growing up, though was difficult. While he's a great guy, a wonderful father and very generous, the manic/depressive mood swings are monstrous.

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LOL, Yep, being on the other side of the country is a good way to deal with it. Best thing I ever did was to move over 1000 miles away from her to Montana. My sister ended up in Alaska so she wins the prize for getting further away!

[SaulPaul]

did she ever take that bi- polar test? i think its pretty new; its a measure of 1 - 100 on how 'bi - polar' u are. Stephen Fry (English presenter / comedian) got sumthin like 65 - 70, and they were saying he got it pretty bad. Your mum, sounds like she was affected a lot worse. Altho, i dread to think how bad / primitive tthe treatmnt was 40 years ago.

Dominic was it lithium th med ur dad came off? i know taking it and coming off it is alot worse then never taking it

[BPA234]

Tough post here. I have a question for you regarding your father: Are you at all bothered by the fact that he did not correctly handle the situation with your mother?

Although, I don't think you've really lived a full life until you've had a knife fight with your mother, wtf, was your Dad thinking? If I came home and found my wife doing 1/10 of the stuff that you experienced, my wife would be out the door.